Thursday, December 22, 2016

Three Things to Watch This Week - Week 16

The AFC East Champion New England Patriots play Ryan Fitzpatrick Bryce Petty* and the New York Jets at Gillette on Saturday December 24th at 1:00 PM.

*"Bryce Petty" sounds like a made up movie NASCAR driver name.



Tom takes a moment to meet with a fan after the game.

I'm probably going to miss the game on Saturday.  We'll be spending the holidays at an undisclosed location.  This upsets me greatly.  I haven't flat out missed a game since 1998.  Balls.

Dion Power Rankings:

1) Lewis

2) DiMucci

3) -ysus

4) Phaneuf (married to Elisha Cuthbert!)

5) Celine


Here's three things I'd be watching for on Saturday (if I was able to watch the game):

1) Devin McCourty - The McCourty hit on Demaryius Thomas was a thing of beauty.  The defense is coming together nicely over the last few weeks.  Great timing!

2) Chris Hogan - There's a nifty little "top 10 Brady plays of the year" video... And about 1/2 of them are deep balls to Hogan.  Good signing.

3) Malcolm Butler - I would have put him in the Pro Bowl, but that's just me.


FREE AGENT WATCH: Has Malcolm Butler, Jamie Collins or Dont'a Hightower been resigned yet?  Not yet!

(Kinda losing out on hope that this will happen during the season, you guys.)

Did Malcolm Mitchell have a catch last week?  Just one... But it was a beauty.

My prediction: Pats 27, Jets 10


*****
This year, we're going to have regular contributions from Fake Bill Belichick for your reading pleasure.

You like Christmas movies?  Don't tell anyone this, but... I love them.  Can't get enough of them.

Whenever Home Alone is on cable, I stop what I'm doing and watch the whole thing.

When Kevin comes up with the perfect game plan to thwart his heavily favored opponents?  That speaks to me directly.

He even uses his extensive knowledge of game film to help keep the bad guys out.

And John Candy.  Underrated guy.  Don't sleep on those SCTV vets.  Great program.

I also may have had a thing with Catherine O'Hara, but that's a story for another time.

Great stuff.

Sunday, December 18, 2016

Three Things to Watch This Week - Week 15

The first place New England Patriots play Trevor Siemian(?) and the Denver Broncos at Sports Authority Field at Mile High on Sunday December 18th at 4:25 PM.


Do not buy a tree from this man.

Bond Power Rankings:

1) savings

2) James

3) covalent

4) Gold

5) friendship

Despite Cyrus Jones's efforts to keep the Ravens in the game, that was a pretty solid win last week.  The defense played their best game of the year.

Still feeling the sting of last year's AFC Championship game loss in Denver.  I hope they go in and blow doors.

Here's three things I'm looking forward to watching on Sunday:

1) Shea McClellin - I find blocked field goals tremendously exciting.  Thanks, Shea McClellin!

2) Chris Hogan - That 4th quarter deep TD to Hogan to put the game away last week was a thing of beauty.

3) LeGarrette Blount - The Patriot offense is much more balanced than this time last year.  But this would be a great week for Blount to step up and take over.


FREE AGENT WATCH: Has Malcolm Butler, Jamie Collins or Dont'a Hightower been resigned yet?  Not yet!

Did Malcolm Mitchell have a catch last week?  Four!  And a TD!


My prediction: Pats 24, Broncos 14

****
This week we have Blount Talk with Fake LeGarrette Blount filling in for Fake Bill Belichick.

I'm an actor at a small local theater.  My director is always telling me I'm in the wrong place at the wrong time.  What should I do?
-- Mike in South Carolina

You should listen to your coaches and follow your blocking.


I'm trying to get my Christmas shopping done.  But the crowds are just out of control this year!  How do you deal with large groups of unwanted people in your way?
-- Susan in New Hampshire

I usually try to get behind Shaq Mason and let him move the crowd for me.

But if you can't do that, just get behind the shopping cart and plow through that crowd.


For Christmas this year I want an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle.
-- Ralphie in Indiana

You'll shoot your eye out, kid.

Monday, December 12, 2016

Three Things to Watch This Week - Week 14

The first place New England Patriots play Joe Flacco and the Baltimore Ravens at Gillette on Monday December 12th at 8:30 PM.


LeGarrette looks like he's floating here.

This is the first matchup we've had against a playoff caliber opponent in almost a month.  Should be a good measure of where the team is at this point.  Also, I don't particularly care for John Harbaugh.

Mitchell Power Rankings:

1) Elizabeth

2) Malcolm

3) Joe Don Baker is...

4) Joni

5) Mitchell lunar crater


Here's three guys I'll be getting defensive about tonight:

1) Logan Ryan / Eric Rowe / Cyrus Jones - Let's be honest here... Right corner has been not great.

2) Alan Branch / Malcom Brown - Both have been solid in the middle.  New England is a top 10 defense against the run this season.  Who knew?

3) Elandon Roberts - Eh.  I don't know if I've seen enough here to warrant trading Jamie Collins.  But that's just me.  I'm not in charge of those decisions.


FREE AGENT WATCH: Has Malcolm Butler, Jamie Collins or Dont'a Hightower been resigned yet?  Not yet!

Did Malcolm Mitchell have a catch last week?  Yes!  He had 8!

My prediction: Pats 27, Ravens 24


*****
This week we have Fake Josh McDaniels filling for Fake Bill Belichick.

Bros and Lady Bros... Enjoying the holidays so far?

Great.  Put those cookies down for a minute.  Listen up.  Josh has some knowledge to drop on  you.

You ready for it?

DON'T HAVE KIDS DURING THE SEASON.

Have all the kids you want... in the offseason.  There's plenty of time for that.

Did Edelman just have a kid with his Swedish model girlfriend he's not even seeing any more?  Yes.

Are his yards per catch numbers way down this year?  Also yes.

I had to explain to Edelman that it takes nine months to make a baby.  So plan ahead on that kinda thing.  Also, how rubbers work.

We're ramping up for the playoffs, people.  We don't need these distractions right now.

Friday, December 2, 2016

Three Things to Watch This Week - Week 13

The first place New England Patriots play Jared Goff* and the St. Louis Los Angeles Rams at Gillette on Sunday December 4th at 1:00 PM.


Chris Long saves the day.

*If my last name was Goff, I would have named my son Geoff.  Geoff Goff.

Fisher Power Rankings:

1) King

2) Price

3) Cat

4) Carrie

5) Isla

6) & Sons Funeral Home

7) Antwone

8) Stevens

....

11,997) Jeff

Here's three guys I'll be keeping an eye on on Sunday afternoon:

1) Chris Long - We haven't really heard from Chris Long a ton this year, but I do enjoy game saving strip sacks.  So we'll take it.

2) LeGarrette Blount - I've really come to appreciate Blount this season.  He's moving better than previous years... despite this.

3) Martellus Bennett - Let's try to keep Bennett on the field.  I don't want to see anyone else getting hurt.

FREE AGENT WATCH: Has Malcolm Butler, Jamie Collins or Dont'a Hightower been resigned yet?  Not yet!

But... Marcus Cannon did!
Displaying photo.PNG

(note: not Marcus Cannon in picture... like... not even close...)

Not sure why he was a priority, but apparently he was.

Did Malcolm Mitchell have a catch last week?  Yes!  And two touchdowns!  I feel like we've uncovered a value stock here, folks.  I'm investing heavily in Malcolm Mitchell futures.

My prediction: Pats 28, Rams 13


*****
This year, we're going to have regular contributions from Fake Bill Belichick for your reading pleasure.

With Gronk being down and out after surgery this week, the team lost one of its best weapons on offense.  Not ideal, people.

But... it's like when Peter Gabriel left Genesis and Phil Collins took over as the driving creative force of the band.  We're not going away.  We're going to keep moving forward.

Was there anything else approaching their prog classic The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway after that?

No, obviously not.  But... Still some pretty good work in there.

We've got more offensive diversity at this point than in years past.  Especially with the running back situation.  Let's see if Josh and Tom can put together their version of Duke.

Sunday, November 27, 2016

Three Things to Watch This Week - Week 12

The first place New England Patriots play Ryan Fitzpatrick and the New York Jets at MetLife Stadium on Sunday November 27th at 4:25 PM


If they don't resign Butler, I'll be somewhat upset.


Captain Power Rankings:

1) Ahab

2) Horatio McCallister (Simpsons Sea Captain)

3) Phasma

4) Crunch

5) Kangaroo

6) & Tennille

7) Caveman

8) Needa

9) Morgan

10) Canada


Good win on the road last week, but I still feel like this team isn't quite great.  Too many holes on defense.

Here's three things I'll be watching this week as I digest everything I ate this weekend.

1) Malcolm Mitchell - With Gronk and Hogan out with injuries, Malcolm Mitchell had a chance to shine.  And he did!  98 yards and a touchdown.  It sure would be nice if the Patriots could draft and develop a real NFL level WR for a change.  It's been a while.

2) Julian Edelman - Edelman had a very good week last week, but it still feels like he's not quite 100%.  Watch him after the catch.  He doesn't seem to have the same explosiveness.

3) Tom Brady - Tom Brady is a wizard.  


FREE AGENT WATCH: Has Malcolm Butler, Jamie Collins or Dont'a Hightower been resigned yet?  Not yet!

Did Malcolm Mitchell have a catch last week?  Yes!  (See above)

My prediction: Pats 31, Jets 21

*****
This week we have Fake Matt Patricia filling in for Fake Bill Belichick.

Hello Carbon Based Lifeforms.

How was your Thanksgiving?  Mine was great, thanks for asking!  I think I ate a whole pie myself.

I enjoy eating... So it's not big surprise that I also enjoy cooking.  Makes sense, right?

I was the guy in the college apartment who could cook.

One time I took the leftover ribs, some vegetables and eggs and made a super good pork ramen dish the next day.  The roommates were amazed!

The next week, they expected me to do it again.  But this time... there wasn't nearly as much to work with.

"Well I could... But you guys already ate all the leftovers."

That's what it feels like coaching the defense this year.  Not much left for ingredients.

I love Coach Bill.  I would never criticize him.  But GM Bill... I gotta admit... Sometimes I wonder what the plan is.

Until next time...

Friday, November 18, 2016

Three Things to Watch This Week - Week 11

The first place New England Patriots play Colin Kaepernick and the San Francisco 49ers at Levi's Stadium on Sunday November 20th at 4:25 PM


Congratulations to Rob Gronkowski on a major touchdown milestone.

Holiday Power Rankings:

1) Thanksgiving

2) Festivus

3) Road

4) Roman

5) Madonna - Holiday


Not a lot of positives to take away from last week's game.  Let's move on to San Francisco.

Here's three things I'll be keeping an eye on this week.

1) Martellus Bennett - Gronk got blown up by Earl Thomas late in the game last week.  Bennett will need to step up this week.

2) Barkevious Mingo / Elandon Roberts - We need a non-Hightower inside linebacker to show up on a regular basis going forward.

3) Cyrus Jones - Hang on to the rock there, Big Guy.


FREE AGENT WATCH: Has Malcolm Butler, Jamie Collins or Dont'a Hightower been resigned yet?  Not yet!

The day after a Bills fan threw a rubber dong on the field in Buffalo, Jamie Collins got the shaft.  The Patriots traded the talented linebacker to the (then) 0 - 8 Cleveland Browns.  That's a big ol' sad trombone.

Did Malcolm Mitchell have a catch last week?  Yes!

My prediction: Pats 34, 49ers 17


*****
And now we present The Continuing Adventures of Julian Edelman, Private Dick.

We're playing on the West Coast this week.  Everybody is making a big deal of Tom returning to his ancestral home land.

But you know who else is from No. Cal?

Me, Baby.  Me.

Your Ol' Pal Jules only has 1 TD on the year.  Completely unacceptable this late into the season.  My next case is going to be solving The Case of the Missing End-zone Visits.  Maybe Tom can throw a few looks my way.  Hook up a fellow Bay Area Bro.

(Unrelated - Have you guys seen Westworld?  You ever think anyone you work with is maybe a robot, too?  I can't stop thinking about that.  Like... Maybe Brady is a robot or something?  Bruh...)

Time to grind.

Friday, October 28, 2016

Three Things to Watch This Week - Week 8

The first place New England Patriots play Tyrod Taylor and the Buffalo Bills at The Ralph New Era Field on Sunday October 30th at 1:00 PM.


Tailgating preparations are already underway in Orchard Park, NY

Halloween Candy Power Rankings:

1) Reese's Peanut Butter Cups

2) Take 5

3) Snickers

4) Peanut M&Ms

5) Reese's Peanut Butter Cups (again)

6) Kit Kat


Here's three things I'll be getting defensive about on Sunday:

1) Kyle Van Noy - Welcome aboard new linebacker Kyle Van Noy, acquired this week in a trade from Detroit.  I'm interested to see how the Patriots use him. In his own words, the Lions "didn’t know where to put me."

2) Woodrow Hamilton - Not our 19th President, but you'd be forgiven if you guessed that.

3) Patrick Chung - Chung made some most excellent plays against the Steelers last week.


FREE AGENT WATCH: Has Malcolm Butler, Jamie Collins or Dont'a Hightower been resigned yet?  Not yet!

Did Malcolm Mitchell have a catch last week?  No.  He gave up on a deep ball that was thrown to him.  Brady's not going to like that.  Malcolm might not see any more balls for a while.  Double sad trombones.

My prediction: Pats 31, Bills 21


*****
This week we have Fake Matt Patricia filling in for Fake Bill Belichick.

Hello... uh... Fellow Nerds.

When I'm not working, I like write my own Game of Thrones fan fiction.

My Facebook profile pic is Captain Picard from Star Wars.

I like to listen to Dad Rock at a reasonable volume.

Sometimes I go to Krispy Kreme and ask them to run my beard under the doughnut frosting machine.

I went to rocket science school.  Durrrrr....

Ha ha ha!

Just kidding.  It's Josh.  I'm going as Lunchbox Patricia for Halloween this year.  Just practicing my act.  Pretty spooky, right?

Man, this fake beard is itchy.  I'm going to last about 5 minutes in this thing.

Happy Halloween, tools!  I totally had you fooled there for a minute.  I wish I could see your faces right now.

Until next time... take it easy, Brahs.

JAY MICK DEE OUT.

Friday, October 21, 2016

Three Things to Watch This Week - Week 7

The first place New England Patriots play Ben Roethlisberger  Landry Jones (who?) and the Pittsburgh Steelers at Heinz Field on Sunday October 23rd at 4:25 PM.

I'm looking forward to watching the game Sunday afternoon with my sons Jon and Lester.

What are we getting for takeout later?

Spice Power Rankings:

1) Coffee

2) Ginger

3) Pumpkin

4) Sugar and

5) Old

Here's three things I'm looking forward to watching on Sunday:

1) Stephen Gostkowski - Everything OK, Stephen Gostkowski?  Something you want to tell us about?  We're worried about you.

2) Dont'a Hightower - Congratulations to Dont'a Hightower for being named the AFC Defensive Player of the Week.  He can be absolute monster at times.  That safety last week was huge.  Huge, I tell you.  Total game changer.

3) No third thing this week.  Go to your room and think about what you've done.


FREE AGENT WATCH: Has Malcolm Butler, Jamie Collins or Dont'a Hightower been resigned yet?  Not yet!

Did Malcolm Mitchell have a catch last week?  Nope.  Sad trombone.

My prediction: Pats 27, Steelers 17

*****
This year, we're going to have regular contributions from Fake Bill Belichick for your reading pleasure.

Lotta people asking me about the tablet thing this week.  Not the tablets that Lawrence Taylor used to keep in his locker before games.  The computer kind.

I use it to browser the web and check emails and what have you.

I can get the Netflix on it.  That much I can figure out.

Can I use it to read books?  I can!  Boom.  Watch this.  "Carthage Must Be Destroyed: The Rise and Fall of an Ancient Civilization" right there at my finger tips.  See that?  Took 30 seconds to download the whole thing.  Amazing.

Coach Patricia even got me to play Age of Empires with him on the plane with it one time.

But I click on ONE pop up ad about hot older women in my area looking to meet up with me, and the thing just freezes up on me.  Useless.

What is that?

Not acceptable, people.

Friday, October 14, 2016

Three Things to Watch This Week - Week 6

The first place New England Patriots play Andy Dalton and the Cincinnati Bengals at Gillette on Sunday October 16th at 1:00 PM.

All those moments will be lost in time... like tears in rain... 

How good did the passing game look last week?  Pretty good!

Hogan Power Rankings:

1) 's Heroes

2) Chris

3) Michael

4) Valerie

5) Paul


Here's three things I'm looking forward to watching on Sunday:

1) James White - More!  Gimme more James White.  More, I say!

2) Chris Hogan - Hogan caught some deep balls last week.  Balls!  Deep ones!

3) Martellus Bennett - Marty had 3 touchdowns last week.  Three!  I'm just going to keep him locked in here until further notice.


FREE AGENT WATCH: Has Malcolm Butler, Jamie Collins or Dont'a Hightower been resigned yet?  Not yet!

Did Malcolm Mitchell have a catch last week?  Yes!  He had 2!

My prediction: Pats 30, Bengals 13

*****
Let's hear from Tyrell Corporation Nexus-6 TB12 model Fake Tom Brady this week.

I have returned.

It's not an easy thing to meet your maker...

I've done... questionable things.

I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Jason Taylor sacks that come from out of nowhere.  Vince Wilfork in the shower.  Rex Ryan home movies / fetish videos.  That weird mattress commercial I do for some reason.    Bills fans.

All those moments will be lost in time... like tears in rain...

Sunday, October 9, 2016

Three Things to Watch This Week - Week 5

The first place New England Patriots play Cody Kessler (who?) and the Cleveland Browns at FirstEnergy Stadium on Sunday October 9th at 1:00 PM.

"I drink and I know things."

Days of the Week Power Rankings:

1) Saturday

2) Sunday

3) Friday

4) Thursday

5) Wednesday

6) Tuesday

7) Monday


Here's three things I'm looking forward to watching on Sunday:

1) Rob Ninkovich - Ninkovich is back to bolster the defensive line after a 4 game suspension.

2) Julian Edelman - I was super excited to see Edelman go off for 90 yards on that first drive... and then it got called back.  That might have been the highlight of the game and it didn't even count.

3) Martellus Bennett - Bennett has been better than Gronk so far this season.  Plus he's funnier on Twitter.

Shout out to Jacoby Brissett, who ended up on IR after having thumb surgery.  Thank you for your efforts.  You were put in a bad situation last week and performed admirably.

FREE AGENT WATCH: Has Malcolm Butler, Jamie Collins or Dont'a Hightower been resigned yet?  Not yet!

Did Malcolm Mitchell have a catch last week?  Not a one.

(Sad trombone)

My prediction: Pats 50, Browns 3


*****
This week we have Fake Matt Patricia filling for Fake Bill Belichick.

Hello Carbon Based Lifeforms.

How was your summer break?  Mine was great, thanks for asking!  I sure am glad to be back on the football field.

I spent my summer vacation catching up on some of my Netflix stories.  My favorite show of the summer was Stranger Things (possible mild spoilers ahead).  Having grown up on Stephen King and Steven Spielberg, this was right in my wheelhouse.

Obviously, I connected with the kids.  And Chief Hopper.  And waffles.  (Who doesn't love waffles?)  And Barb.  (Poor Barb.) 

But the thing that really struck me was the monster.  Are we sure he's such a bad guy?  What if the monster was just trapped and looking for a way out of The Upside Down?  Maybe he was just lonely and looking to make a connection?

Maybe he's not a monster at all.  Maybe he's us.

(Also, I haven't gotten to Luke Cage yet, but I hope to watch that next.  He looks like he'd be a good fit at linebacker.  He'd look great between Collins and Hightower.  Ha!)

Until next time...

Saturday, October 1, 2016

Three Things to Watch This Week - Week 4

The first place New England Patriots play Tyrod Taylor and the Buffalo Bills at Gillette on Sunday October 2nd at 1:00 PM.


Gettin' squirrely.

Who's going to start at quarterback for the Pats on Sunday?

This is our concern, Dude.

David Power Rankings:

1) Ortiz

2) Bowie

3) Michelangelo's

4) Larry

5) Lynch


Here's three things I'm looking forward to watching on Sunday:

1) Jimmy Garoppolo - My sources are telling me he plays this week.

2) Rob Gronkowski - He played last week, but that looked like about 10% Gronk.  I'm guessing he goes off this week.

3) LeGarrette Blount - Do I goof on Blount a bit here?  I do!  He was also the AFC Offensive Player of the Month.  So good on him.

FREE AGENT WATCH: Has Malcolm Butler, Jamie Collins or Dont'a Hightower been resigned yet?  Not yet!

Did Malcolm Mitchell have a catch last week?  Aww yiss.


My prediction: Pats 24, Bills 13


*****
And now we present The Continuing Adventures of Julian Edelman, Private Dick.

What are we doing here?

Who's playing quarterback on Sunday?

Your old pal Jules was on the case.

"Coach Belichick?  It's Jules.  FIST BUMP!  Who's under center this week?"

"Hi Julian.  Thanks for stopping by.  I'm really busy right now getting ready for Sunday.  Why don't you go see what Josh is up to?"

"Good idea  I'm on it!"

I snuck up on Coach McDaniels.

"Coach Josh!  It's Jules!  You need a QB this week?  Time to run the Squirrel Offense?  Let's do this."

"Go away."

"Bro."

"Bruh."

"Not cool, Bro.  Why won't The Josh let me run a few plays under center?"

"I'll consider it.  What's Lunchbox Patricia up to?  Go bother him.  Maybe he'll let you play DB again.  Heh heh... YOU'RE a DB, alright."

I could tell I wasn't wanted.  I moved on down to the other end of the hallway.

"Matty P.  What's up, My Man?"

"Hi Julian.  How are you today?"

"Good.  Good.  Remember when I played defensive back for a few games?  That was awesome."

"Yeah.  Good times."

"Who's our QB for Sunday?  No one will tell me what's going on!"

"Same here.  If I knew, I'd tell you.  Pull up a chair, we'll watch some tape together."

"What are you watching?  Bills?  Browns?"

"John Wick."

"Niiiiice!  I love that movie!"

Great flick.  I still don't know who's going to be quarterback this weekend though.

I miss Tom.

Time to grind.

Thursday, September 22, 2016

Three Things to Watch This Week - Week 3

The first place New England Patriots play Brock Osweiler and the Houston Texans at Gillette on Thursday September 22nd at 8:25 PM

(A late game on a school night?!  How am I supposed to watch the game with my sons Mookie and Betts?!)


Is that one of those tiny footballs?  Jacoby looks like a *giant* here.

OK, Brissett.  Let's see what you got.

Garoppolo going down isn't great.  I had a plan for an escalating joke where the current asking price for Garoppolo eventually went up to 17,000 first round picks (not unreasonable!).  But now he's hurt.  Also, maybe we should keep him now?  I'm torn here.  We'll see.

But I'm honestly not that worried.  Jacoby had a really good preseason.  We've got the best quarterback ever coming back in 3 weeks.  We'll be fine.

Jacoby Power Rankings:

1) Dr. Lawrence

2) Brissett

3) Feed & Seed

4) Captain

5) Max

...

11,997)  Ellsbury


Here's three things I'll be getting defensive about on Thursday:

1) Malcolm Butler - Is Butler as good as Darrelle Revis in his prime?  No, don't be silly.  (Conversely, even Revis isn't Revis anymore...)  But he is really, really good.  He's the best non-Revis CB we've had since Ty Law.  Plus Butler hits harder.

2) Dont'a Hightower - Are you in or out this week Dont'a?  We need you, Buddy.

3) Chris Long - Seems like they're using him sparingly, but he's been showing up all over the place.  Effective!


FREE AGENT WATCH: Has Malcolm Butler, Jamie Collins or Dont'a Hightower been resigned yet?  Not yet!

Did Malcolm Mitchell have a catch last week?  Aww yiss.


My prediction: Pats 21, Texans 24


*****
This week we have Fake Josh McDaniels filling for Fake Bill Belichick.

Bros and Lady Bros...  Ol' Josh is DIALED IN.

No Tommy?  No Jimmy?

No problem.  Still 2 - 0.  This train just keeps on rolling.

Once again... Josh made all the right calls.  We still won despite the defense taking a nap instead of playing the second half,   If that happens again this week, I'm going to walk over to Matty P. and give him a noogie on national TV.

Rookie Jacoby Brissett went 6 for 9 (heh heh) in limited action last week.  He'll be even better this week.

Or maybe I'll let Edelman throw a few passes just to shut him up.  Or maybe I'll just pull some guy out of the stands at halftime and have him play QB for the second half.  All things are possible with this offense.

Also, don't ever let Bill O'Brien borrow your car.  It'll come back smelling like Burger King and farts.

Until next time... take it easy, Brahs.

JAY MICK DEE OUT.

Friday, September 16, 2016

Three Things to Watch This Week - Week 2

The first place New England Patriots play Ryan Tannehill and the Miami Dolphins at Gillette on Sunday September 18th at 1:00 PM

(A middle of the afternoon game?!  How am I supposed to enjoy a drink during the game if I'm watching my sons Jackie and Bradley Jr.?!)



Pull my finger.


Moss Power Rankings*:

1) Randy

2) Peat

3) Elizabeth

4) Maurice

5) Carrie-Anne

6) Spanish

7) Kate

8) Llewelyn


*fedora tip to Viking Dave


Here's three things I'll probably find offensive on Sunday:

1) Chris Hogan - Oh, hello there, Chris Hogan!  Nice touchdown catch last week!  Welcome aboard.

2) Julian Edelman - Great game last week.  Edelman takes an absolute beating and keeps getting back up.

3) James White - I want to see more James White after last week.  More, dammit, more!

BONUS FOURTH ITEM: Martellus Bennett - Bennett didn't have a huge game numbers-wise (3 catches for 14 yards), but had some fantastic blocks and a most excellent extra effort on a third down conversion.  Can't wait to see him and Gronk on the field at the same time.

FREE AGENT WATCH: Has Malcolm Butler, Jamie Collins or Dont'a Hightower been resigned yet?  Not yet!

Did Malcolm Mitchell have a catch last week?  Yes!  It sure would be nice if the Great Patriots Wide Receiver Drafting Drought was about to come to an end.

Current asking price for Garoppolo:

Five first round picks.

My prediction: Pats 27, Dolphins 17


*****

This week we have Blount Talk with Fake LeGarrette Blount filling in for Fake Bill Belichick.


Should I be more aggressive with my retirement savings allocations?  I'm still relatively young, but I don't have the same comfort level with risk that my financial planner seems to have.
- Matt in Roxbury

I've always been a fan of the slow and steady strategy with your retirement investments.  You've got time... But you also don't want to go backwards.  Baby steps,  you know?


What kind of car would you recommend for a young working professional?  I want something sporty, but I'm also thinking of starting a family in the next few years.
- Anna in Webster

You need to get yourself a Honda Odyssey.  Safe reliable family transportation with an excellent resale value.  And then drive right up the middle.


Our neighbor is offering to sell us their house at a below market deal.  We'd have to move some resources around, but we could probably make it work.  What would you do here?
- Eric in Warwick

I like this idea a lot.

You should buy your neighbor's house.  Then knock down the other house and combine the two yards together.

I can't imagine anything being better than getting two yards at a time.

Friday, September 9, 2016

Three Things to Watch This Week - Week 1

The Patriots play Carson Palmer and the Arizona Cardinals at University of Phoenix Stadium on Sunday September 11th at 8:30 PM.

Football is back!  Everything is right with the world!  I'll never complain about anything again!

(You're going to start me off right out of the gate with an 8:30 PM game?!  What the hell, NFL?  How am I supposed to watch this game with my sons Braxton and Hicks?)

In the room the women come and go 
Talking of James Garoppolo.

Just go 2 - 2 while Brady is out.  That's really all I'm asking for.  That seems reasonable, right?


Lake Power Rankings:

1) Erie

2) Bell

3) Ontario (possibly Canadian maybe?)

4) Top of the

5) Huron (people forget Huron)

6) Michigan

7) Superior (a little too full of itself in my opinion)


Here's three things I'll be watching closely on Sunday night if I can stay up that late:

1) Offensive Line - You know, a lotta ins, a lotta outs, a lotta what-have-yous. And, uh, a lotta strands to keep in my head, man.

2) Wide Receiver - So many frequently injured slot WRs!  Who will be healthy enough to take the field this week?  We just don't know!  Somebody's gotta step up and help Jimmy out!

3) Jimmy Garoppolo - Just be average.  That feels realistic.  You don't have to be TB12.  Just be an upgrade from Mark Sanchez.


FREE AGENT WATCH: Has Malcolm Butler, Jamie Collins or Dont'a Hightower been resigned yet?  Not yet!

Did Aaron Dobson get cut this season?  Yes.  (Sad trombone?)  (I'm going to hold off on the sad trombone for now.  That one feels like it was time.)

Did Julian Edelman wrap it up in the offseason?  No!


My prediction: Pats 17, Cardinals 21

*****

This year, we're going to have regular contributions from Fake Bill Belichick for your reading pleasure.

You spend 40 years in the coaching game, you've got to find ways to continue to motivate yourself.

Wasn't a big fan of the way last season ended.  Spent some time at the beach this year.  Spent some time on the boat.  Recharged the batteries a bit.

I'll admit it... I thought about walking away and maybe opening a bar on a island somewhere.  I could be Bryan Brown in Cocktail.  You ever see that movie?  Just hang out with the well-off divorcees and pour drinks all day.  McDaniels could be my Brian Flanagan.

But then I thought... Who would win the AFC East in my absence?  The Jets?  The Ryan Brothers?  That dork down in Miami?

We can't have that.

I'm coming back out of spite.

Pure spite.

Spite is what keeps me going.  Gets me out of bed in the morning.  Makes me want to destroy the rest of the AFC East.

Good old fashioned spite.  That's what going to drive this team to greatness this season.

Besides... who wants to be covered with sand at the end of every day?

True story.

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Three Things to Watch This Week - AFC Championship Game

The Patriots play the AFC Championship Game at Sports Authority Field at Mile High Stadium against Peyton Manning and the Denver Broncos on Sunday January 24th at 3:05 PM.


Awwww!  The Denver Broncos?!


Chung Power Rankings:

1) Patrick

2) Jose

3) Wang

4) -king Express

5) Jamie


Here are three guys I'll be watching closely on Sunday:

1) Patrick Chung - Not quite excellent, but Patrick Chung has been very good all year.  Probably his best year as a pro in his seventh season.

2) Jamie Collins - If everybody is relatively healthy, I feel like we can win this game on defense.  If we can keep Denver under 20, we should be good.

3) Dont'a Hightower - Again... I apologize for calling him a bust in his rookie season.


My prediction: Pats 24, Broncos 15


*****
And now we conclude The Adventures of Julian Edelman, Private Dick.

"You guys don't do protein shakes, right?"

"That's correct."

"But you can do milkshakes?"

"That's also correct."

"Can you throw a burger patty in with my salted caramel shake?  You don't need to check with your manager or anything.  Just go for it!  I'll give you an extra buck."

"Raw or cooked?"

"Let's try raw.  That's got more protein, right?."

"Whatever you say, sir."

It's me.  Jules.  On the job.

It started out as a simple cheating husband case... But then it became personal.  There's a lot for me to keep straight.  But I'm doing work.

I also got hurt in Week 10 against the Giants.  Not good times, amigos.

Now I've got my rehab, my regular team duties (film sessions, workouts, making fun of Brady's fashion choices), and this case.

I arraigned a meeting with the Suspicious Wife and Real Estate Developer Husband.  (Might as well meet at Five Guys.  Figured I was going by there anyway.)  

Never let someone arrive at a location before you.  That's good detective work AND good hustle.  (Unless you're following somebody, I guess.  How would that work?  I'll have to get back to you on that.)

"OK... Let's talk this out.  She thinks you're cheating.  Can you explain what you've been up to?"

"I've been working late.  I've got a big development project coming up.  Really.  That's all.  What's this all about?  And who are you?"

"I'll ask the questions here.  Did you send your Giant henchmen after me in mid-November?"

"What?"

"Are you getting squirrelly with me, Sir?"

"I'm sorry... What does that mean?"

"And Five Guys... Why are you closing down my Five Guys?"

"What?  Oh, the development project.  It'll be relocated to another part of the property.  You have nothing to worry about."

"Oh.  OK then.  I did not realize that.  Ma'am... Are you satisfied with these answers?"

"Yes.  Completely."

"And you Sir... Do you think you can do a better job of communicating with your wife in the future?"

"I can do that."

I guess everything turned out OK.  Happy endings for Jules.

OK... Let's wrap this up.  I'm due back at a walk through in 10 minutes.  Better finish my burger-shake.

Time to grind.

Saturday, January 16, 2016

Three Things to Watch This Week - AFC Divisional Playoff Game

The Patriots host the AFC Divisional Playoff Game at Gillette against Alex Smith and the Kansas City Chiefs on Saturday January 16th and 4:30 PM


A normal sized human tries to cover The Gronk


What's wrong with this team right now?  Are they healthy?  Are they smoking something?  Why does the coach have a black eye?  Why so many distractions?  How did this team lose 4 of its last 6 games?

I'm not liking it.  Something feels off.  Too many questions.

The good news is... At least we're not getting Phil Simms this week!


Alan Power Rankings:

1) Rickman

2) Branch

3) Ruck (he's married to Mireille Enos?!)

4) Smithee

5) Alda

6) Alan from Sesame Street

7) Tudyk


Here's three things I'm worried about going into this week's game:


1) Chandler Jones - Chandler Jones pulled a Robert Downey Jr. last week.  Why you do this thing, Chandler Jones?  It you're not sure what it is or where it came from, don't smoke it.

2) Rob Gronkowski - Gronkowski missed practice with knee AND back problems this week?  Ugh.

3) Steven Jackson - Can we count on you this week, Steven Jackson?  You should at least have fresh legs from taking the whole season off.  (You know what?  I take that back.  I hope we DON'T run the ball much this week.  If Jackson is a major part of the game plan, we're boned.  I want to see them go back to slinging it. Let's just pretend item 3 was JULIAN EDELMAN)


My prediction: Pats 27, Chiefs 21

(Unless it's 14 - 0 Chiefs after the first quarter.  Then just forget it.)


*****
This week we have Fake Josh McDaniels filling for Fake Bill Belichick.

What up, Bros and Lady Bros?

This really might be it for Your Old Pal Josh.

There's other opportunities out there.  Lotsa buzz about Josh finally getting a second crack at an HC position.

End of the road.  Last year coming in to 1 Patriot Place every day.

But still... The memories here... So many victories... So many good times.... So many brews... So many burritos...

I'm even going to miss that Bearded Lump Patricia.  But don't tell him I said that.

(I'm not crying... YOU'RE CRYING.)

Thanks for the good times.

Until next time... take it easy, Brahs.

JAY MICK DEE OUT.