Thursday, September 26, 2013

Five Things to Watch This Week - Week 4

The Patriots play their fourth game of the year at the Georgia Dome against the Atlanta Falcons on Sunday September 29th at 8:30 PM.

After a 3 - 0 start, we're playing our first real team of the season this week (sorry Bills fans).  The schedule gets a lot more challenging over the next few weeks.  Everybody hold on to your butts.

The "Gronkowski  is back" rumors are heating up this week.  Eh.  I'll believe it when I see him on the field.  Until then, he's Keyser Soze. ("Nobody believed he was real... Nobody ever saw him or knew anybody that ever worked directly for him...")

Last week I referred to Rob Ninkovich as a "gem".  This week, he got a three year contract extension.  Coincidence?  Yes, probably.


Bill is super excited for Sunday's game, you guys.


How are the new WRs working out so far?

Catches per game:

        Week 1         Week 2              Week 3
Kenbrell Thompkins 4 2 3
Aaron Dobson 0 3 7
Josh Boyce 0 0 0
Total 4 5 10


Not great!

But getting... better... I guess?  (Better-ish?  That's a word, right?)


LeGarrette Power Rankings:

1)

2) Blount

3)

4)

5)

(I couldn't find any other LeGarrettes out there.  Sorry.)


Here are five guys who have showed up on game day this year:

1) Alfonzo Dennard - Looks like he might really be a football player.  They may have finally hit on a corner in the draft!  Let's hope the off the field issues don't become a recurring problem.

2) Vince Wilfork - The Big Man has been seeing a lot of double teams so far this year.  He still makes everyone around him better.

3) Chandler Jones - Three sacks in 3 games so far this season.  I love this guy.

4) Devin McCourty - I greatly prefer Devin McCourty the safety to Devin McCourty the cornerback.

5) Julian Edelman - Officially the all time NFL leader in punt return average.  Holy crap.

5A) Tyroil Smoochie-Wallace - Undrafted practice squad d-line player.  Hopefully he'll see some game day action this season.


Did Michael Hoomanawanui have a catch last week?

Yes!  

Two catches, in fact.

Yeaaaah.


My prediction: Pats 24, Falcons 28

My prediction (Season): 10 - 6


*****
This week we have Fake Josh McDaniels filling for Fake Bill Belichick.

What up, Bros and Lady Bros?

We're off to a hot start.

Is the offense getting better every week?

Damn right it is.


See?  Josh can fill out a roster.  Josh is ready to shop for the bro-ceries.

But Brady is still being Mr. Cranky Pants behind the scenes, though.  He misses his Welker binky.  He was in my office complaining again all week.


     TB: What are we doing here?  This team sucks.  I only have 5 touchdowns so far!

     JM: We're winning games, aren't we?

     TB: I want Wes back.  Can't we bring him back somehow?  We spent 2 hours on the phone last night tell each other how much we miss each other.

     JM: That train has sailed.  Bill's pissed at him for some reason.  He's Peyton's bitch now.  Get over it.  The offense will get better.  It's still a work in progress.  Besides... We're running the ball better these days, aren't we?

     TB: So what?

     JM: So what?!  Obviously, Josh loves the ALL OUT AERIAL ATTACK, too.  "Throws before hoes" is what I always say.  But if you can run the ball well, it makes it easier to air it out, right?

     TB: OK...  I guess.

     JM: And we'll even have Gronk back for you soon enough.  See?  It's going to be OK.

     TB: Oh Josh... You know I can't stay mad at you.  Here... Have a pair of Uggs.



As soon as he left my office, I brought the Uggs out to the dumpster (if I just throw them in the trash, the cleaning staff puts them back on my desk).  That's the third pair he's tried to pawn off on me this month.  Stop making fancy boots for bros trying to happen!  It's not going to happen!

Until next time... take it easy, Brahs.

JAY MICK DEE OUT.

(Also... Nobody tell Josh what happens on the final episode of Breaking Bad.  I'm not going to get to watch it until Monday morning.  GATORADE ME BITCH!)

Friday, September 20, 2013

Five Things to Watch This Week - Week 3

The Patriots play their third game of the year at Gillette against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers on Sunday September 22nd at 1:00 PM.

Bluh.

I don't ever remember being 2 - 0 and feeling this lousy about my team.

The defense has looked good so far.

The offense has looked... not good.

Fortunately Tom Brady is being super patient and understanding with the young receivers and not making too big a deal out of things.


WHY MUST I BE SO HANDSOME?!

I feel bad for Brady.  I'm sure this isn't how he planned his last few years in the league.  Hopefully this offense gets better fast.  (NOTE: Also remember this man literally goes home to his supermodel wife and owns a castle with a moat.  Let's not feel too bad for him.)

It's not time to hit the PANIC BUTTON just yet.   But maybe we break out the lower your expectations button for this season.  (See that?  That's a much less threatening font.)


Stephen Power Rankings:

1) King

2) Colbert

3) Gostkowski

4) Hawking

5) Malkmus

6) Chow

7) Sondheim

8) Tobolowsky

9) Merchant


Since the offense has been such a disappointment so far this season, let's talk about the defense this week.  Here are five guys making a contribution on defense so far this year:

1) and 2) Dont'a Hightower and Chandler Jones - A critical pair of second year high draft picks.  If they can both make THE LEAP this season, this defense has a chance of being pretty good.

3) Aqib Talib - Best corner we've had in years (I DAMN THEE WITH FAINT PRAISE!).  Unfortunately, I'm guessing he's gone after this year.

4) Rob Ninkovich - Another one of those cast off gems Belichick finds.  Off to a very good start this season.

5) Tommy Kelly - Nice to finally have another big body next to Wilfork.


Did Michael Hoomanawanui have a catch last week?

No.

/sad trombone


My prediction: Pats 24, Bucs 14

My prediction (Season): 10 - 6


*****

This year, we're going to have regular contributions from Fake Bill Belichick for your reading pleasure.  Here's this week's selection from Fake Bill Belichick's third book "My Life Away From Football":


It was the offseason.  The sweatshirt was put away.  I was on a break.  But that doesn't mean I wasn't constantly looking for ways to make the team better.

Knowing we'd need some bodies at the receiver position this year, I walked into a local temp agency one day.  I described to them as best I could what I was looking for.  The woman gave me a funny look and told that wasn't really what they did there.  Apparently you can't just grab an NFL level starting wide receiver off the street.

However, she did have a crossing guard position open that she was looking to fill.

Why not? I figured.  Plus I already had my own whistle.

They gave me a vest and a stop sign.  I hold up the sign.  The cars stop.  The kids cross the street.  Simple, right?

Well, one of the kids refused to walk within the designated crossing area.  He kept coming at it diagonally.  I made him do it again and again until he got it right.  Held up traffic in both directions for a full 10 minutes.  Then I made him run a lap.

One of the parents complained.  Made a real big stink.  Apparently they frown on that kind of thing.

The crossing guard gig only lasted one day.  That's OK.  Not the first time I've been fired.

True story.

P.S. If you're reading this little Jayden... You're not going to get anywhere in life cutting corners like that.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Five Things to Watch This Week - Week 2

The Patriots play their second game of the year at Gillette against the New York Jets on Thursday September 12th at 8:25 PM.

That was a horrible win in Buffalo last week.  That was the very definition of an ugly win.  LET'S OVERREACT TO EVERYTHING WE JUST SAW!

There was NO pass rush.  There was NO pass defense.

The running game was good... Except for the fumbles.

The new wide receivers looked lost.  (Belichick's going to pull 4 guys out of the stands next week and see if Brady can throw to them.)  Brady must have thrown a fit on the flight back. (A very handsome, stylish fit of anger...)

The good news is the defense only gave up 14 points.

The bad news is Kenbrell Thompkins just fell over again (maybe there's a reason he went undrafted).


I must have this outfit.

Jamie Power Rankings:

1) Lannister  (what?  It's Jaime Lannister?  Eh... Close enough.)

2) Collins

3) 's Cryin'

4) Lee Curtis  (Relevant!)

5) Farr
...
11,895) Lynn Sigler

Jets fans: How are you feeling about your team this year?

With Brady down to 2.5 healthy receivers, I'm hoping for a little more from the running game this week.  Here are five guys that'll be key to getting the ground game going again:

1) Stevan Ridley - Please don't fumble...  Please don't fumble...  Please don't fumble...

2) Brandon Bolden - He showed flashes of being REALLY good at times last year.  Except for the whole drug suspension thing.

3) Leon Washington - It would be nice to have a real kick returner again.

4) LeGarrette Blount - This Dude is a LOAD.  I believe the NFL is about to enter the Era of the 250 Pound Running Back.

5) Shane Vereen - He had a great game last week.  And apparently had a broken wrist for most of it.  Whoa.  And still somehow managed to not drop the ball.  Get well soon, Shane.


Did Michael Hoomanawanui have a catch last week?

YES!


My prediction: Pats 21, Jets 17

My prediction (Season): 10 - 6


*****
This week we have Fake Josh McDaniels filling for Fake Bill Belichick.

What up, Bros and Lady Bros?

Bill pulled a full on Private Pyle on us after the playoffs last season.  Took the summer off.  Honestly, I didn't think he was coming back this time.

But that meant Josh got to run the draft and free agency and everything this year.  BOOYAH!

Then suddenly Bill comes back at the end of the summer and starts giving me a huge headache about some of my roster moves.  No "thank you" or nothing.  What the hell, Brah?  Not cool.


     BB: I understand you signed Tim Tebow while I was gone.  Is that correct?

     JM: No worries.  It's all good.  Josh is going coach him up real good.

     BB: Mmm hmmm.  Can he throw a football?

     JM: Even Bobby Kraft is on board.  We sold a TON of Tebow jerseys while you were gone.

     BB: Can he throw?

     JM: Well... Not really.

     BB: Get him out of here then.

     JM: But I need him to be good!  I blew a first round pick on him when I was in Denver.  It's all part of the Josh McDaniels Redemption Story.

     BB: Cut him.  Now.  I don't care about your redemption story.  I can't waste a roster spot on a guy who can't throw.


Bill was not pleased with your old pal Josh.

Maybe I'll wait until next week to tell Bill about the Aaron Hernandez sitch.

Until next time... take it easy, Brahs.

JAY MICK DEE OUT.

Friday, September 6, 2013

Five Things to Watch This Week - Week 1

The Patriots play their first game of the year at The Ralph against the Buffalo Bills of Western New York and the Greater Toronto Area on Sunday September 8th at 1:00 PM.

Another off-season is in the books.  Football is BACK!



I'm guessing this will be a bit of a down year for the Patriots.  Too much roster turnover on offense.  But, thankfully, for this team that means going 10 and 6.

The AFC East is just... bad.  Awful.  Rather terrible, even.  I don't see how they go less than 5 - 1 in the division.  Then it's just play .500 against the rest of the teams on the schedule.  Boom.  10 and 6.

I'm not even expecting good out of this defense.  I'd be happy with just average.


I have no idea who this is.
Nate Power Rankings:

1) Solder

2) Fisher 

3) Dogg  (What?  He's dead?  R.I.P., Nate Dogg)

4) Silver

5) the Great

6) Ebner

7) Robinson

The good news is we still have TB12.  And as long as you have Brady, you've got a chance.  But... Who is he throwing to?  And what do we know about them?  Does Tom even know their names yet?  How many nights did Tom cry himself to sleep when Welker signed with Denver?

Over / under on shots of Brady bitching out his receivers on the sideline this season:  131.5.

"What's your name again?  Great.  Don't ever run that route like that again or I'll have them cut you.  Now here... take a pair of Uggs."

Here's five new guys I'll be watching this week:

1) Danny Amendola - Could be a good fit with this team.  But even Julian Edelman thinks this guy is made of glass (Amendola has had ONE full 16 game season in his NFL career)

2) Josh Boyce - Was sneaky fast in the preseason.  Looks like he'll be the guy on the "have the WR run the ball" plays McDaniels loves to call.

3) Aaron Dobson - Oooh, he's 6' 3".  A tall wide receiver!  And he went to Marshall.  HE'll BE THE NEXT RANDY MOSS!

4) Zach Sudfeld - Had that one insane catch in the pre-season.  There is a very good chance I will inadvertently call him "Zach Sudafed" at some point this season.

5) Kenbrell Thompkins - Somebody has to catch passes from Brady.  Why not this guy?


Did Michael Hoomanawanui make the team again this year?

Yes!


My prediction: Pats 28, Bills 13

My prediction (Season): 10 - 6

*****

This year, we're going to have regular contributions from Fake Bill Belichick for your reading pleasure.  Here's this week's selection from Fake Bill Belichick's third book "My Life Away From Football":

Last year's loss in the AFC Championship game to the Ravens hit me pretty hard.  It took me three days to get out of bed.  Even if it seems like this stuff doesn't affect me... it does.

I sent text messages to Linda (ed. note: long time Belichick girlfriend Linda Holliday) and Josh (McDaniels, Patriots Offensive Coordinator)  saying I'd be done for a bit and not to worry about me. (I finally broke down and got a cell phone this year.  We'll see if I can figure it out.)  Then I just... wandered.  Like I did the year after I got canned in Cleveland. 

I put away the sweatshirt.  Didn't want anyone to recognize me.  Couldn't risk it.

And I went and did regular people stuff.  Went to the grocery store.  Ate out at restaurants.  Went to a concert or two.  Caught up with some shows on Netflix.  (Have you guys all seen "Breaking Bad"?  That's a quality program.  I especially like the guy that runs the restaurant with all the security cameras...)  Did some touristy stuff.  The beach.  You name it.  

I even tried selling real estate for a few days.  Didn't take.

But... I've got to be honest with you guys... It felt good to get away for a bit.  Cleared my head.

What did I learn while I was out on walk-about?  As much as I liked being a regular person for a bit, I eventually decided that, yes... I still loved the game and had a passion for this team.  I had to get back to football.  Gotta do what's best for the team.

I left McDaniels in charge of the roster during the offseason.  Anybody know who we drafted?  I should probably start learning the names of the new guys.

And who are playing this week?

Time to get the sweatshirt out of the closet.