Thursday, October 29, 2015

Three Things to Watch This Week - Week 8

The 6 - 0 New England Patriots play Ryan Tannehill and the 3 - 3 Miami Dolphins at Gillette on Thursday October 29th at 8:25 PM.

(That's two weeks in a row playing teams lead by Ryans.  That's got to be some kind of record, right?  I'll contact the folks over at Elias Sports Bureau.)

Good Week 7 win over a surprisingly not at all terrible Jets team.  They might be for real this year.

Game balls to Danny Amendola and Dont'a Hightower.  Those guys were all over the place.

Robert Gronkowski: Difficult to Tackle

Lewis Power Rankings:

1) and Clark

2) Huey

3) Dion

4) Reggie

5) Mo

Here's three things I'll be watching for on Thursday night:

1) Dolphins D-Line - Their biggest strength will be going up against our biggest weakness.  Level of concern: moderate to high.  Spooktacular.

2) Dropped Balls - So many dropped balls last week.  It was worse than a locker room full of old guys.

3) Running Backs - Will the Patriots run the ball at all this week?  Magic 8 Ball says "ask again later".

Did Scott Chandler get flagged for offensive pass interference last week?  No!

Did Michael Williams have a catch last week?  Yes!

No sad trombones for anyone.

My prediction: Pats 38, Dolphins 30


And now we present The Continuing Adventures of Julian Edelman, Private Dick.

On the job.  Still working the Case of the Cheating Husband.  My client (The Wife) called and gave me the address where her husband was going to be for the night.

The Husband was having another one of those "offsite meetings".  I had my doubts.  But a job is a job.  And you can only grind so much tape before you need to walk away for a bit.

I double checked the address.  I know that address.  That's the Panera.  Decent sandwiches.  No burgers.

Better hit Five Guys on the way to my stakeout (I had to look up the spelling on that one guys... It's not "steakout" like I hoped it was...  That would be way better if somebody brought you a steak while you were on a steakout.).

I found the location, identified the suspect, grabbed a booth, and made myself at home.

I sat close enough so that I could hear their conversation, but not so close that I'd bring attention to myself.  I took notes.  I put press coverage on my burger.

He definitely was with a lady.  My client was right about that. But the conversation didn't sound flirty.  Or even vaguely romantic.  It sounded like a real work conversation.

"We own the property.  The plans for the hotel are done.  The permits are already going through.  And all we need to do here is take this building out right here."

"Which one?"

"This part of the strip mall.  The section with the Five Guys building."

(I nearly choked on my fries.)

They were talking about taking down Five Guy.  MY Five Guys.  What?


Just... No.  Not that.  You can't do that.

This was starting to affect ME directly.

A Panera employee walked over to my table.

"Sir... Did you bring your own food from outside?"

Damn.  I made too much noise.

"I bought this.  That's OK, right?"

"Did you buy it FROM HERE?"

"Well no."

"If you're not buying anything FROM HERE, I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

This had to be the worst stakeout I've ever been on.

I grabbed what was left of my burger and got out of there like I was a returning a punt.  (I left my fries behind.  I still feel bad about that.  Never leave a man behind.)

Time to grind.

Friday, October 23, 2015

Three Things to Watch This Week - Week 7

The 5 - 0 New England Patriots play Ryan Fitzpatrick and the 4 -1 New York Jets (Really?  Is that right?  That can't be right.) at Gillette on Sunday October 25th at 1:00 PM.

I love this picture.

I do not love this picture.

I was hoping for a blowout last week.  But somehow, what happened was even better.  The Colts gave us one of the most memorable plays in years last week.  Of course I'm talking about the Swinging Gate Fake Punt play.  (Also... Who calls a fake punt in their own end in the fourth quarter when they're behind?)

How does it compare to the infamous Butt Fumble play?

Butt Fumble vs Swinging Gate Fake Punt*

Play called by coachMaybe (but probably not)Definitely
Should somebody be firedEh, not reallyProbably
Prominently featured buttsYesNo

*shoutout to LA Mike for facilitating this conversation.  That's why I call him The Facilitator.

Here's three things I'll be watching closely on Sunday:

1) Offensive Line - More injuries last week?  Yikes!  Who's left?

2) Wide Receiver - Edelman definitely broke a finger last week (see above picture).  That's bad.  Will we get Brandon LaFell back this week?  That would be nice.

3) Linebackers - This is the best group of linebackers we've had since 2007.  Jamie Collins is an insane athlete.

Did Scott Chandler get flagged for offensive pass interference last week?  Yes!

Did Michael Williams have a catch last week?  No.  Sad trombone.

My prediction: Pats 24, Jets 21


Hunter S. Belichick 

February 1, 2015

We were somewhere around Glendale on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like "I feel a bit lightheaded, maybe you should call the plays...".  I had been up all night watching tape.  And suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like defensive backs, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about 100 miles an hour with the top down to the stadium. 

"Holy Jeebus!  Why didn't we just ride on the team bus?" Josh muttered, staring at his laptop.

Then it was quiet again. My attorney / offensive coordinator had taken his hooded sweatshirt off and was pouring Gatorade on his chest, to facilitate the tanning process. 

"Never mind," I said. "It's your turn to drive.  We're on to Arizona." I hit the brakes.  No point mentioning those Seattle defensive backs, I thought. The poor bastard will see them soon enough.  Especially that Richard Sherman fellow.  He's worse than Nixon.

They would be tough miles.  But I was coaching against Pete Carroll.  So I liked my chances.

Jesus! Did I say that? Or just think it?

Saturday, October 17, 2015

Three Things to Watch This Week - Week 6

The 4 - 0 New England Patriots travel to Lucas Oil Stadium to take on Andrew Luck (?) and the 3 - 2 Indianapolis Colts on Sunday October 18th at 8:30 PM.

(The game starts at 8:30?!  Oh man... I'm going to be tired Monday morning.)

I love this picture.

Max Power Rankings:

1) Max Power

2) Mad Max

3) Max Bialystock


5) Max von Sydow


11,997) Max and Ruby

Here's three things I'll be watching closely on Sunday:

1) Left Tackle - Nate Solder is done for the year.  I find him average at best, but it's never good when one your starters go down.

2) Corners - It's Malcolm Butler and... Some other guys?  I don't even know anymore.  I'm afraid of facing a team with multiple good receivers.

3) Julian Edelman (again) - I just wanted an excuse to post this gif of Edelman breaking ankles.

With Hoomanawanui gone, who will we affectionately deride around these parts for their modest productivity?

I nominate 6' 6", 304 lbs(!) Tight End Michael Williams.  Williams is in his first year with the Patriots, acquired via trade with the Lions.

(Let's be honest, he's really just a tackle with a TE number)

With 1 reception on the season, there should be plenty of opportunities to bust out the Sad Trombone.

My prediction: Pats 34, Colts 21

(Trying something new this week.  Bear with me.  Let's see if it works.)

It was the two minute warning of my workday.  Another one almost in the books.  Just watching the clock tick tock away the last few seconds.

Just me at my desk with an unopened bottle of diet whiskey that I was getting ready to put a significant hit on.  I had just gotten out my glass.

And then she walked in.

Things would never be the same after that.

"Can you help me?  I think my husband is cheating on me."

"Have a seat.  What makes you say that?"

"He works late every night."

"So?  Lots of people work evenings.  I work late.  We're at my office right now and it's after dark."

"He's a real estate agent.  He's been out on a lot of 'late night closings' if you know what I mean."

"I think I do."

(I did not.)

"Is there anything else you've noticed going on?  Suspicious messages?  A second cell phone?"

"No.  Just the extra work stuff."

"Does he have a history of cheating?  A Linder profile?"

"What?  No."

"Well.  What then?"

"I can't explain  It's just a feeling I've got.  A woman just knows these things."

(Is that true?  I'll have to look that up later.)

"If I give you his information, can you follow him around?  See what he's up to?"

"I think we can make that work.  But then again, it might be nothing."

"I understand.  Hey... Aren't you...?"

"Shhhhh.  Yeah. But don't tell anyone.  Detective work is my real passion.  This is what I want to do with my life.  The Other Thing is just my day job.  But I turned out to be kinda good at that, too.  So I play professional football just to pay the bills."

"Is that why your office is above a gym?"

"Sometimes business can be a little slow.  Besides, you never know when you'll have time to get an extra workout in."

"OK.  When I can expect to hear from you again?"

"Well, we are in the middle of a season.  But I think I can move your case to the top of my to-do list."

And with that... She was gone.

I'm Julian Edelman.  Wide Receiver by day (and sometimes Sunday nights or Monday nights... and once in a while Thursday nights), Private Dick by night.

Time to grind.

Friday, October 9, 2015

Three Things to Watch This Week - Week 5

The 3 - 0 New England Patriots travel to AT&T Stadium to take on Tony Romo Brandon Weeden and the 2 - 2 Dallas Cowboys Sunday October 11th at 4:25 PM.

I love this picture.

Season Power Rankings:

1) Spring

2) Fall

3) Summer

4) ...

5) Winter

Here's three things I liked so far this season (we're down to three things this year... inflation and whatnot...):

1) Aaron Dobson is off to a semi-decent start.  (Yes!  Really!  Seven catches against Buffalo!  That's more passes than he caught in all of 2014.)

2) Dion Lewis is your rushing leader through the first three games.  Lewis has been nothing short of a revelation at RB.  Please hold on to the ball.

3) Julian Edelman has been on fire to start the season.  The Patriots are now 2 - 0 when I wear the Edelman t-shirt.

Did Michael Hoomanawanui have a catch last week?

No, silly.  He got traded to New Orleans.

My prediction: Pats 34, Cowboys 21


This week we have Fake Matt Patricia filling for Fake Bill Belichick.

Hello Carbon Based Lifeforms.

Oh man... What a season!

That ending had me on the edge of my seat.  Amazing stuff, right down to the very end.  I'm just glad I got be a part of it.

Of course, I'm talking about HBO's fantasy epic Game of Thones.

Sure, winning the Super Bowl was great, too.  Don't get me wrong.

But can you believe they killed off [redacted]?

...Or did they?!

I can't wait until Season 6.  Let's do this!

(Also... We here at One Patriot Place lost our own personal version of The Mountain this year when Vince Wilfork signed with the Texans.  Good luck, Vince.  You'll always have a special place in our hearts.  I'll think of you every time I make ribs.)