Thursday, December 22, 2016

Three Things to Watch This Week - Week 16

The AFC East Champion New England Patriots play Ryan Fitzpatrick Bryce Petty* and the New York Jets at Gillette on Saturday December 24th at 1:00 PM.

*"Bryce Petty" sounds like a made up movie NASCAR driver name.



Tom takes a moment to meet with a fan after the game.

I'm probably going to miss the game on Saturday.  We'll be spending the holidays at an undisclosed location.  This upsets me greatly.  I haven't flat out missed a game since 1998.  Balls.

Dion Power Rankings:

1) Lewis

2) DiMucci

3) -ysus

4) Phaneuf (married to Elisha Cuthbert!)

5) Celine


Here's three things I'd be watching for on Saturday (if I was able to watch the game):

1) Devin McCourty - The McCourty hit on Demaryius Thomas was a thing of beauty.  The defense is coming together nicely over the last few weeks.  Great timing!

2) Chris Hogan - There's a nifty little "top 10 Brady plays of the year" video... And about 1/2 of them are deep balls to Hogan.  Good signing.

3) Malcolm Butler - I would have put him in the Pro Bowl, but that's just me.


FREE AGENT WATCH: Has Malcolm Butler, Jamie Collins or Dont'a Hightower been resigned yet?  Not yet!

(Kinda losing out on hope that this will happen during the season, you guys.)

Did Malcolm Mitchell have a catch last week?  Just one... But it was a beauty.

My prediction: Pats 27, Jets 10


*****
This year, we're going to have regular contributions from Fake Bill Belichick for your reading pleasure.

You like Christmas movies?  Don't tell anyone this, but... I love them.  Can't get enough of them.

Whenever Home Alone is on cable, I stop what I'm doing and watch the whole thing.

When Kevin comes up with the perfect game plan to thwart his heavily favored opponents?  That speaks to me directly.

He even uses his extensive knowledge of game film to help keep the bad guys out.

And John Candy.  Underrated guy.  Don't sleep on those SCTV vets.  Great program.

I also may have had a thing with Catherine O'Hara, but that's a story for another time.

Great stuff.

Sunday, December 18, 2016

Three Things to Watch This Week - Week 15

The first place New England Patriots play Trevor Siemian(?) and the Denver Broncos at Sports Authority Field at Mile High on Sunday December 18th at 4:25 PM.


Do not buy a tree from this man.

Bond Power Rankings:

1) savings

2) James

3) covalent

4) Gold

5) friendship

Despite Cyrus Jones's efforts to keep the Ravens in the game, that was a pretty solid win last week.  The defense played their best game of the year.

Still feeling the sting of last year's AFC Championship game loss in Denver.  I hope they go in and blow doors.

Here's three things I'm looking forward to watching on Sunday:

1) Shea McClellin - I find blocked field goals tremendously exciting.  Thanks, Shea McClellin!

2) Chris Hogan - That 4th quarter deep TD to Hogan to put the game away last week was a thing of beauty.

3) LeGarrette Blount - The Patriot offense is much more balanced than this time last year.  But this would be a great week for Blount to step up and take over.


FREE AGENT WATCH: Has Malcolm Butler, Jamie Collins or Dont'a Hightower been resigned yet?  Not yet!

Did Malcolm Mitchell have a catch last week?  Four!  And a TD!


My prediction: Pats 24, Broncos 14

****
This week we have Blount Talk with Fake LeGarrette Blount filling in for Fake Bill Belichick.

I'm an actor at a small local theater.  My director is always telling me I'm in the wrong place at the wrong time.  What should I do?
-- Mike in South Carolina

You should listen to your coaches and follow your blocking.


I'm trying to get my Christmas shopping done.  But the crowds are just out of control this year!  How do you deal with large groups of unwanted people in your way?
-- Susan in New Hampshire

I usually try to get behind Shaq Mason and let him move the crowd for me.

But if you can't do that, just get behind the shopping cart and plow through that crowd.


For Christmas this year I want an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle.
-- Ralphie in Indiana

You'll shoot your eye out, kid.

Monday, December 12, 2016

Three Things to Watch This Week - Week 14

The first place New England Patriots play Joe Flacco and the Baltimore Ravens at Gillette on Monday December 12th at 8:30 PM.


LeGarrette looks like he's floating here.

This is the first matchup we've had against a playoff caliber opponent in almost a month.  Should be a good measure of where the team is at this point.  Also, I don't particularly care for John Harbaugh.

Mitchell Power Rankings:

1) Elizabeth

2) Malcolm

3) Joe Don Baker is...

4) Joni

5) Mitchell lunar crater


Here's three guys I'll be getting defensive about tonight:

1) Logan Ryan / Eric Rowe / Cyrus Jones - Let's be honest here... Right corner has been not great.

2) Alan Branch / Malcom Brown - Both have been solid in the middle.  New England is a top 10 defense against the run this season.  Who knew?

3) Elandon Roberts - Eh.  I don't know if I've seen enough here to warrant trading Jamie Collins.  But that's just me.  I'm not in charge of those decisions.


FREE AGENT WATCH: Has Malcolm Butler, Jamie Collins or Dont'a Hightower been resigned yet?  Not yet!

Did Malcolm Mitchell have a catch last week?  Yes!  He had 8!

My prediction: Pats 27, Ravens 24


*****
This week we have Fake Josh McDaniels filling for Fake Bill Belichick.

Bros and Lady Bros... Enjoying the holidays so far?

Great.  Put those cookies down for a minute.  Listen up.  Josh has some knowledge to drop on  you.

You ready for it?

DON'T HAVE KIDS DURING THE SEASON.

Have all the kids you want... in the offseason.  There's plenty of time for that.

Did Edelman just have a kid with his Swedish model girlfriend he's not even seeing any more?  Yes.

Are his yards per catch numbers way down this year?  Also yes.

I had to explain to Edelman that it takes nine months to make a baby.  So plan ahead on that kinda thing.  Also, how rubbers work.

We're ramping up for the playoffs, people.  We don't need these distractions right now.

Friday, December 2, 2016

Three Things to Watch This Week - Week 13

The first place New England Patriots play Jared Goff* and the St. Louis Los Angeles Rams at Gillette on Sunday December 4th at 1:00 PM.


Chris Long saves the day.

*If my last name was Goff, I would have named my son Geoff.  Geoff Goff.

Fisher Power Rankings:

1) King

2) Price

3) Cat

4) Carrie

5) Isla

6) & Sons Funeral Home

7) Antwone

8) Stevens

....

11,997) Jeff

Here's three guys I'll be keeping an eye on on Sunday afternoon:

1) Chris Long - We haven't really heard from Chris Long a ton this year, but I do enjoy game saving strip sacks.  So we'll take it.

2) LeGarrette Blount - I've really come to appreciate Blount this season.  He's moving better than previous years... despite this.

3) Martellus Bennett - Let's try to keep Bennett on the field.  I don't want to see anyone else getting hurt.

FREE AGENT WATCH: Has Malcolm Butler, Jamie Collins or Dont'a Hightower been resigned yet?  Not yet!

But... Marcus Cannon did!
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(note: not Marcus Cannon in picture... like... not even close...)

Not sure why he was a priority, but apparently he was.

Did Malcolm Mitchell have a catch last week?  Yes!  And two touchdowns!  I feel like we've uncovered a value stock here, folks.  I'm investing heavily in Malcolm Mitchell futures.

My prediction: Pats 28, Rams 13


*****
This year, we're going to have regular contributions from Fake Bill Belichick for your reading pleasure.

With Gronk being down and out after surgery this week, the team lost one of its best weapons on offense.  Not ideal, people.

But... it's like when Peter Gabriel left Genesis and Phil Collins took over as the driving creative force of the band.  We're not going away.  We're going to keep moving forward.

Was there anything else approaching their prog classic The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway after that?

No, obviously not.  But... Still some pretty good work in there.

We've got more offensive diversity at this point than in years past.  Especially with the running back situation.  Let's see if Josh and Tom can put together their version of Duke.