Thursday, September 22, 2016

Three Things to Watch This Week - Week 3

The first place New England Patriots play Brock Osweiler and the Houston Texans at Gillette on Thursday September 22nd at 8:25 PM

(A late game on a school night?!  How am I supposed to watch the game with my sons Mookie and Betts?!)

Is that one of those tiny footballs?  Jacoby looks like a *giant* here.

OK, Brissett.  Let's see what you got.

Garoppolo going down isn't great.  I had a plan for an escalating joke where the current asking price for Garoppolo eventually went up to 17,000 first round picks (not unreasonable!).  But now he's hurt.  Also, maybe we should keep him now?  I'm torn here.  We'll see.

But I'm honestly not that worried.  Jacoby had a really good preseason.  We've got the best quarterback ever coming back in 3 weeks.  We'll be fine.

Jacoby Power Rankings:

1) Dr. Lawrence

2) Brissett

3) Feed & Seed

4) Captain

5) Max


11,997)  Ellsbury

Here's three things I'll be getting defensive about on Thursday:

1) Malcolm Butler - Is Butler as good as Darrelle Revis in his prime?  No, don't be silly.  (Conversely, even Revis isn't Revis anymore...)  But he is really, really good.  He's the best non-Revis CB we've had since Ty Law.  Plus Butler hits harder.

2) Dont'a Hightower - Are you in or out this week Dont'a?  We need you, Buddy.

3) Chris Long - Seems like they're using him sparingly, but he's been showing up all over the place.  Effective!

FREE AGENT WATCH: Has Malcolm Butler, Jamie Collins or Dont'a Hightower been resigned yet?  Not yet!

Did Malcolm Mitchell have a catch last week?  Aww yiss.

My prediction: Pats 21, Texans 24

This week we have Fake Josh McDaniels filling for Fake Bill Belichick.

Bros and Lady Bros...  Ol' Josh is DIALED IN.

No Tommy?  No Jimmy?

No problem.  Still 2 - 0.  This train just keeps on rolling.

Once again... Josh made all the right calls.  We still won despite the defense taking a nap instead of playing the second half,   If that happens again this week, I'm going to walk over to Matty P. and give him a noogie on national TV.

Rookie Jacoby Brissett went 6 for 9 (heh heh) in limited action last week.  He'll be even better this week.

Or maybe I'll let Edelman throw a few passes just to shut him up.  Or maybe I'll just pull some guy out of the stands at halftime and have him play QB for the second half.  All things are possible with this offense.

Also, don't ever let Bill O'Brien borrow your car.  It'll come back smelling like Burger King and farts.

Until next time... take it easy, Brahs.


Friday, September 16, 2016

Three Things to Watch This Week - Week 2

The first place New England Patriots play Ryan Tannehill and the Miami Dolphins at Gillette on Sunday September 18th at 1:00 PM

(A middle of the afternoon game?!  How am I supposed to enjoy a drink during the game if I'm watching my sons Jackie and Bradley Jr.?!)

Pull my finger.

Moss Power Rankings*:

1) Randy

2) Peat

3) Elizabeth

4) Maurice

5) Carrie-Anne

6) Spanish

7) Kate

8) Llewelyn

*fedora tip to Viking Dave

Here's three things I'll probably find offensive on Sunday:

1) Chris Hogan - Oh, hello there, Chris Hogan!  Nice touchdown catch last week!  Welcome aboard.

2) Julian Edelman - Great game last week.  Edelman takes an absolute beating and keeps getting back up.

3) James White - I want to see more James White after last week.  More, dammit, more!

BONUS FOURTH ITEM: Martellus Bennett - Bennett didn't have a huge game numbers-wise (3 catches for 14 yards), but had some fantastic blocks and a most excellent extra effort on a third down conversion.  Can't wait to see him and Gronk on the field at the same time.

FREE AGENT WATCH: Has Malcolm Butler, Jamie Collins or Dont'a Hightower been resigned yet?  Not yet!

Did Malcolm Mitchell have a catch last week?  Yes!  It sure would be nice if the Great Patriots Wide Receiver Drafting Drought was about to come to an end.

Current asking price for Garoppolo:

Five first round picks.

My prediction: Pats 27, Dolphins 17


This week we have Blount Talk with Fake LeGarrette Blount filling in for Fake Bill Belichick.

Should I be more aggressive with my retirement savings allocations?  I'm still relatively young, but I don't have the same comfort level with risk that my financial planner seems to have.
- Matt in Roxbury

I've always been a fan of the slow and steady strategy with your retirement investments.  You've got time... But you also don't want to go backwards.  Baby steps,  you know?

What kind of car would you recommend for a young working professional?  I want something sporty, but I'm also thinking of starting a family in the next few years.
- Anna in Webster

You need to get yourself a Honda Odyssey.  Safe reliable family transportation with an excellent resale value.  And then drive right up the middle.

Our neighbor is offering to sell us their house at a below market deal.  We'd have to move some resources around, but we could probably make it work.  What would you do here?
- Eric in Warwick

I like this idea a lot.

You should buy your neighbor's house.  Then knock down the other house and combine the two yards together.

I can't imagine anything being better than getting two yards at a time.

Friday, September 9, 2016

Three Things to Watch This Week - Week 1

The Patriots play Carson Palmer and the Arizona Cardinals at University of Phoenix Stadium on Sunday September 11th at 8:30 PM.

Football is back!  Everything is right with the world!  I'll never complain about anything again!

(You're going to start me off right out of the gate with an 8:30 PM game?!  What the hell, NFL?  How am I supposed to watch this game with my sons Braxton and Hicks?)

In the room the women come and go 
Talking of James Garoppolo.

Just go 2 - 2 while Brady is out.  That's really all I'm asking for.  That seems reasonable, right?

Lake Power Rankings:

1) Erie

2) Bell

3) Ontario (possibly Canadian maybe?)

4) Top of the

5) Huron (people forget Huron)

6) Michigan

7) Superior (a little too full of itself in my opinion)

Here's three things I'll be watching closely on Sunday night if I can stay up that late:

1) Offensive Line - You know, a lotta ins, a lotta outs, a lotta what-have-yous. And, uh, a lotta strands to keep in my head, man.

2) Wide Receiver - So many frequently injured slot WRs!  Who will be healthy enough to take the field this week?  We just don't know!  Somebody's gotta step up and help Jimmy out!

3) Jimmy Garoppolo - Just be average.  That feels realistic.  You don't have to be TB12.  Just be an upgrade from Mark Sanchez.

FREE AGENT WATCH: Has Malcolm Butler, Jamie Collins or Dont'a Hightower been resigned yet?  Not yet!

Did Aaron Dobson get cut this season?  Yes.  (Sad trombone?)  (I'm going to hold off on the sad trombone for now.  That one feels like it was time.)

Did Julian Edelman wrap it up in the offseason?  No!

My prediction: Pats 17, Cardinals 21


This year, we're going to have regular contributions from Fake Bill Belichick for your reading pleasure.

You spend 40 years in the coaching game, you've got to find ways to continue to motivate yourself.

Wasn't a big fan of the way last season ended.  Spent some time at the beach this year.  Spent some time on the boat.  Recharged the batteries a bit.

I'll admit it... I thought about walking away and maybe opening a bar on a island somewhere.  I could be Bryan Brown in Cocktail.  You ever see that movie?  Just hang out with the well-off divorcees and pour drinks all day.  McDaniels could be my Brian Flanagan.

But then I thought... Who would win the AFC East in my absence?  The Jets?  The Ryan Brothers?  That dork down in Miami?

We can't have that.

I'm coming back out of spite.

Pure spite.

Spite is what keeps me going.  Gets me out of bed in the morning.  Makes me want to destroy the rest of the AFC East.

Good old fashioned spite.  That's what going to drive this team to greatness this season.

Besides... who wants to be covered with sand at the end of every day?

True story.