Friday, November 22, 2013

Five Things to Watch This Week - Week 12

The Patriots play their eleventh game of the year at Gillette Stadium against the Denver Broncos on Sunday, November 24th at 8:30 PM.

Another late night game?  I'm going to be sooo tired Monday morning.

Congratulations, Panthers.  Good win.

Not holding.

I'm going to be honest guys... I'm more than a little worried about this game.  I'd be a more pumped up if we had won last week.  But alas... we did not.

Tom Brady blah blah Peyton Manning blah blah best quarterbacks ever blah blah blah.

Today is also the 1 year anniversary of the Buttfumble.  Never forget.

Here's five guys I'll be staying up late to watch Sunday night:

1) Shane Vereen - Excellent first week back from injured reserve.  A running back who can catch is a nice luxury.

2) Rob Gronkowski - Gronk needs to fight through that hold.  Take that linebacker with you.

3) Aqib Talib - Listed as day to day.  I would feel a lot better about this game if I knew Talib and Alfonzo Dennard were 100%.  Talib seems to not get along with Steve Smith very well.

4) Stevan Ridley - Hold on to the football.  What the hell damn guy?!

5) Wes Welker - You think Tom is still sending love notes to Welker or is he over it by now?  I'm guessing their relationship is a lot like the Lionel Richie "Hello" video.

Did Michael Hoomanawanui have a catch last week?

Oh yeah!

But then go he hurt on the play.

Oh no!

My prediction: Pats 34, Broncos 35

My prediction (Season): 12 - 4


This week we have Fake Matt Patricia filling for Fake Bill Belichick.

Hello, football fans.  qaStaH nuq?

(That is Klingon for "What is happening?")

First - Allow me to introduce myself.  My name is Fake Matt Patricia.  I am the Defensive Coordinator for the New England Patriots.  I have been with the team since 2004.  I am the guy with the beard and the headset you usually see standing next to Coach Bill.

I like comic books, movies and science fiction stories.  But my real passion is building my own predictive statistical models.

For instance, the Patriots defense is currently ranked 7th in points allowed.  Given our opponent this week, you would expect our defensive ranking to take a hit.  But looking ahead at the rest of our schedule, we should rebound nicely by the end of the season.  We will be OK!

I understand we are to supposed to share an amusing anecdote or football related story here, but nothing that memorable really happened this week.  If anything of interest happens to me over the next week, I will be sure to write it down and tell you all about next time.

Instead I will give you this fun fact.  Did you know you can build and install your own customized version of Linux on your laptop?  It is true!  You can even go with MySQL and have your very own database server running locally on your machine.  All for free!

Until next time... buy' ngop!

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Five Things to Watch This Week - Week 11

The Patriots play their tenth game of the year at Bank of America Stadium against the Carolina Panthers on Monday, November 18 at 8:40 PM.

Welcome back.  It feels like forever since we've last seen a Patriots game.

How'd the Patriots look against the Steelers?  Pretty good!

Shane Vereen may play again this week.  Looking forward to seeing him back out there.


Andre Power Rankings

1) the Giant

2) 3000

3) Carter

4) that seal movie

5) Dawson

Here's five guys I'll be staying up late to watch Monday night:

1) Tom Brady - Brady had  432 yards and 4 TDs last week (252 yards in the first half) against Pittsburgh.  Plus he looked the most comfortable I've seen him all season.

2) Aaron Dobson - It feels like Dobson is finally breaking away from the other rookie WRs.

3) Stevan Ridley - Ridley has been looking strong.

4) Chandler Jones - 8.5 sacks already this year.  That's a lot of sack.

5) Danny Amendola - I suppose I should say something nice about Amendola here.  Ummm... He had a good game... I guess?  (I'd still rather have Welker back...)

Did Michael Hoomanawanui have a catch last week?


My prediction: Pats 27, Panthers 21

My prediction (Season): 12 - 4*


*I've been sticking with 10 - 6 all season up to this point.  But it's probably pretty unlikely they're going to go 3 - 4 over the last seven games.


This year, we're going to have regular contributions from Fake Bill Belichick for your reading pleasure.  Here's this week's selection from Fake Bill Belichick's third book "My Life Away From Football":

Last offseason.  Still looking to see if there was something I could do other than football.

Actually thought about retiring for a bit.  Went to see my old mentor Bill Parcells and see how he was doing in retirement.

"You want a beer?"

"No thanks.  It's 9:45 in the morning."

"Bourbon then?"

"Uh, no."

"Fine.  More for me then."

"Congratulations on your Hall of Fame induction, Coach."

"Thanks!  I'm thinking of skipping the ceremony."


"Nah, not really!  I'm just messing with you.  Got you good, didn't I?"

"Yeah.  I guess so."

"So what brings you down here today, Billy Boy?"

"Thinking about maybe leaving coaching.  I'm wondering if I've lost my passion for it."

"WHAT?  I'd go back in a second if I could.  Never walk away."


"Remember the time we made Charlie Weis do the truffle shuffle?"


"That was awesome."

"Yeah.  I guess it was kinda awesome."

"What other line of work are you going to make memories like that?  Did I tell you about the silk panties on gameday thing?"

"Yeah, I'm not doing that."

"Besides... What else are you going to do with yourself?  It's not like you're going to get an analyst job and go on TV or anything.  You hate those people."

He was right.  He may be completely crazy.  But he was right.

I had to get back to coaching.

Friday, November 1, 2013

Five Things to Watch This Week - Week 9

The Patriots play their ninth game of the year at Gillette against the Pittsburgh Steelers on Sunday November 3rd at 4:25 PM.

Weird win last week.  I can't ever remember a football game where the 1st half and the 2nd half were so drastically different.

Despite losing bodies left and right, the defense continues to step up.  I have no idea how they're doing it.

Does Brady have a broken hand / finger?  Is that what's going on here?  How long has that been going on?  That would explain a lot.  Not everything.  But a lot.

Halloween Candy Power Rankings:

1) Reese's Peanut Butter Cups

2) Kit Kat

3) Snickers

4) Reese's Peanut Butter Cups (again)

5) M&Ms

Also... Screw "fun sized" candy.  All that does is make me eat 7 of them.  Not cool, guys.

Didn't drop that one.

Here's five guys I'll be watching this week as I recover from my Halloween candy hangover:

1) Stevan Ridley - Wondering why they're not giving him more carries.  Maybe they're saving him for later in the season?  Does that make any sense?

2) Stephen Gostkowski - Quietly having an excellent season again this year.  Just won AFC Special Teams Player of the Month for October.

3) Aaron Dobson - Fewer drops last week!  Dobson seems to have passed Thompkins on the depth chart.

4 and 5) Devin McCourty and Marquice Cole - This play was one of the best two man interceptions I've ever seen.

Did Michael Hoomanawanui have a catch last week?


/sad trombone

(Just going to keep that sad trombone locked and loaded for a while.  Hoo-man probably isn't going to see  many targets now that now that Gronk is back out there.)

My prediction: Pats 17, Steelers 14

My prediction (Season): 10 - 6


This week we have Fake Josh McDaniels filling for Fake Bill Belichick.

What up, Bros and Lady Bros?

Big win AGAIN last week.  Never get tired of those.

The Josh made some halftime adjustments.  I'm pushing all the right buttons.

And I'm not supposed to talk about Brady's hand, but let's just say it wasn't exactly a football injury

/dismissive wanking motion

What did The Josh give out for Halloween this year?  Not free candy, that's for damn sure.

If you came to Josh's pad, you got a list of problems with your costume and ways you could make it better.  Then, if you went home and made those changes and came back within 10 minutes, you could have a piece of candy.

You could also earn a piece of candy if you do the Thriller dance.  (Don't judge.  Josh loves him some MJ.)  But you have to do the WHOLE THING.

Anwayway... Didn't end up giving out that much candy that night.  The next day there seemed to be a whole bunch of broken eggs in my driveway.  If I catch the kids who did it, we're going to have words.

Until next time... take it easy, Brahs.