Friday, January 20, 2012

Five Things to Watch This Week - AFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME!

The Patriots play their second playoff game of the season at Gillette against the Baltimore Ravens on Sunday January 22nd at 3:00 PM.

So much for not having won a playoff game in 4 years.

If I may be allowed to turn into Tawmmy from Quinzee for a moment...

    HOLY CRAP BRADY IS FACKIN' AWESOME.

Are the Patriots really as good as they looked last week?  Or was Denver just that bad?



 
Gronk is ripped! 

I'm a little worried about Baltimore.  Joe Flacco is not so good.  Ray Rice still scares the crap out of me.  But I'm mostly concerned about how well our offensive line holds up against their defense.

Here's five guys I'll be counting on to keep Brady upright this week:


1 - 5) Matt Light, Logan Mankins, Dan Connolly, Brian Waters, Nate Solder - Brady will only be as good as these guys play upfront.  When they can give him time, he's deadly.  That's pretty much it.


Did Chad Ochocinco have a catch last week?

NO. 

My prediction: Pats 34, Ravens 24

Stay hydrated, my friends.


*****

This year, we're going to have regular contributions from Fake Bill Belichick for your reading pleasure.  Here's this week's selection from Fake Bill Belichick's "Tales From a Life in Football":

January 1987.  It's the morning of the NFC Championship game.  I'm the defensive coordinator for the Giants.  We're about to face the Redskins.  Easily the biggest game I've coached in up to this point in my career -- only one game away from the Super Bowl.

I'm going over my notes one more time after the breakfast meeting.  I barely slept.  I'm chugging coffee and listening to Rush's "Subdivisions" on my Walkmen ("Signals" is an underrated album).  I must have been visibly nervous, because Parcells came over and sat down next to me.  For some reason, the pressure never seemed to get to him

I pull my headphones off.

"Hey... What are you worried about?  You're going to do great.  Our defense is the best we've ever had."

"Thanks."

"You know why I'm so relaxed?"

"No, Coach."

"Women's underwear.  I'm wearing a pair of silky pink panties right now.  Feels great.  Mark Bavaro turned me on to them!"

I didn't even know what to say.  But it did get me to stop worrying about the game for 5 minutes while I tried get that image out of my head.

I have no idea where he found women's underwear in his size.  And we ended up shutting out the Redskins in that game.

True story.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Five Things to Watch This Week - PLAYOFFS!

The Patriots play their first playoff game of the season at Gillette against Denver Broncos on Saturday January 14th and 8:00 PM.

Unfortunately, I wasn't able to track down any information about who's playing quarterback for the Broncos on Saturday.  If anyone can find this information somewhere, please let me know and I'll send it along.

Somehow Belichick whipped this team into shape and went 13 - 3.  13 -3 with a horrible, horrible defense.  But the NFL has changed.  It's not even the same league it was 10 years ago.   Does defense even matter anymore?

I'd really like to see a deep playoff run this year.  But with the recent history of this team in the playoffs, I'm keeping my expectations low. 



 
 Sterling Moore, winner of Week 17's "Wait, Who's That Guy?" award. 

Here's five guys on offense I'm hoping can carry the team this week:

1) Tom Brady - I can finally bring myself to admit that Brady had a bad game against the Jets in the playoffs last year [dodges lightning bolt].  Let's move on and start writing the next chapter(s) in the glorious "History of Great Brady Playoff Wins", shall we?

2) Wes Welker - If you're not following Welker on Twitter, you're missing some great mustache talk. 

3) Rob Gronkowski - He was so good this year that I'm already worried about losing him two years from now when his rookie contract is up.

4) Aaron Hernandez - Hell of year by Hernandez.  He didn't get nearly the credit he deserved.  He made Ocho completely unnecessary.

5) Julian Edelman - 2011 job description: PR / KR / WR / CB.  He definitely earned his paycheck this year.




Did Chad Ochocinco have a catch last week?

NO.

That gives us a grand total of...

(wait for it)

...15 catches on the year for The Och.  Less than one catch per week.  Not great.


My prediction: Pats 45, Broncos 24

Stay hydrated, my friends.


*****


This year, we're going to have regular contributions from Fake Bill Belichick for your reading pleasure.  Here's this week's selection from Fake Bill Belichick's "Tales From a Life in Football":


February '96.  I'd just been canned in Cleveland.  My last season there was so bad, the team picked up and moved to Baltimore.

I was lost.  I didn't know what I wanted to do next.  I wasn't even sure if I wanted to keep coaching.

That's when I spent a month as a commercial fisherman.  I had to get away from football for a while.  I caught on with a cod fishing outfit in New Bedford.  I grew a mustache and gave them "Giuseppe Verdi" as a name.

Nobody bothered me.  Nobody expected too much from me.  It was a chance to get my head together.

First they had me on nets.  Then they moved me to the count once they saw I could keep track of all that stuff in my head.

Do you know what the mortality rate of a commercial fisherman is?  It's awful.  But you know what's worse than that?  The smell.  A group of guys out on the ocean in closed quarters for days on end surrounded by decaying fish parts is brutal.  The only thing that comes close on land is the mens' room after Ninkovich takes a dump (you would think Wilfork's dumps would be the worst, but you'd be wrong.  Ninkovich eats all that weird ethnic stuff his mom cooks for him).  And even that's not as bad as bad as the boat.  The fish smell just lingers.

I couldn't handle it anymore.  I cut my fishing career short after just four weeks.  It was all the confirmation I needed that I should get back into football.

I made it back to dry land and called up Parcells to ask for my old job back.  Making that phone call sucked.  But the team went to the Super Bowl the next year.  And at least I was off that goddamn boat.

Even to this day, if I'm out at a restaurant and somebody at the next table orders cod, I have to get up and leave.

True story.

...and THAT was the story I told Josh McDaniels when I called him last week to see if he wanted his old job back.

Sure, your pride took a beating, Kid.  But that's temporary.  Get back on board this ship.  And you won't have to smell like a fisherman.