Saturday, December 12, 2015

Three Things to Watch This Week - Week 14

The 10 - 2 New England Patriots play Brian Hoyer and the 6 - 6 Houston Texans at NRG Stadium on Sunday December 13th at 8:30 PM.

Chris Harper was probably cut on the flight home from Denver.

Who's left?  Do we have anyone left?  Scott Chandler?  Oh, OK.

We should start getting people back healthy just in time to ramp up for the playoffs.  I'm not even that concerned about the losses over the last two weeks.  I'm just relieved we didn't lose Gronk for the whole year.

Can we just sit everyone for the next 4 games and be healthy for the playoffs?  What if we wrapped everyone in bubble wrap before they took the field?  That's allowed, right?

James Power Rankings:

1) Rick

2) Earl Jones

3) T Kirk

4) White

5) McAvoy

Here's three things I'll be watching on Sunday night:

1) LeGarrette Blount - Would you believe Blount is averaging 4.2 yards per carry this year?  It's true!  And yet something just feels off there.

2) Malcom Brown - He's been excellent in the middle.

3) Tom Brady (WR) - The Brady catch on that trick play was probably the highlight of a lousy game.  He's averaging 36 yards per catch.  We should be able to vote for him for the pro bowl as a quarter back AND a receiver.

Did Scott Chandler have multiple passes bounce of his hands last week?  Yes!

(Just going to go ahead and lock that one in place for the rest of the season.)

Sad trombone.

My prediction: Pats 28, Texans 17

This year, we're going to have regular contributions from Fake Bill Belichick for your reading pleasure.

Bill O'Brien and Tom Brady discuss the finer points of satire vs irony.

Bill O'Brien used to coach for us.  Good guy.  But didn't really get jokes.

You need to have a sense of humor in this business.  You'll burn out otherwise.

Sometimes we'll take a break from the late night film viewing sessions and get a little philosophical.

What if time travel was possible?  I mean, obviously, it's not.  But what if it was?

Would you set yourself for great wealth?  Would you go back to this morning and have another cup of coffee?

Or would you do something to try to make the world a better place?

What if you could save humanity from one of history's greatest monsters?  What if you could prevent the suffering of millions of people?

What if... you could go back in time and kill baby Dan Shaughnessy?

I think most of us agreed that, given the opportunity, yes, we'd do it.  No question.

True story.

Thursday, November 26, 2015

Three Things to Watch This Week - Week 12

The 10 - 0 New England Patriots play Peyton Manning Brock Osweiler and the 8 - 2 Denver Broncos at Sports Authority Field at Mile High on Sunday November 29th at 8:30 PM.

I was going to give you the standard list of reasons why Brady is better than Manning... But now we're facing Brock Osweiler instead.  Could he be better than Brady?  We just don't know.  This Osweiler guy has never lost a game.

Game balls to Rob Ninkovich and Dont'a Hightower for the win against the Bills.  The defense has been good this season.  Way better than I expected given the losses of Revis and Wilfork.

Me vs. Pecan Pie (-3.5)

Malcolm Power Rankings:

1) Butler

2) Prince of Cumberland

3) Jamal Warner

4) X

5) in the Middle

Here's three things I'm thankful for this week:

1) Rob Gronkwoski - Possibly the last remaining receiver that Brady trusts.  If I'm Denver, I put 4 - 5 guys on him.

2) James White - He's no Dion Lewis, but he showed signs of life last week.

3) Stephen Gostkowski - That game winning kick against the Giants was balls.

Did Scott Chandler get flagged for offensive pass interference last week?  No!  (Scotty C. did record 1 catch for 3 yards against the Bills.  He helped!)

Did Michael Williams have a catch last week?  No!

Begrudging applause.

My prediction: Pats 20, Broncos 17


This week we have Fake Matt Patricia filling for Fake Bill Belichick.

Hello Carbon Based Lifeforms.

Once again, the Holiday Season is upon us.  I'm not going to go into the reasons why the traditional First Thanksgiving origin story is historically inaccurate.  You're all smarter than that.  I'm just going to keep it light and positive this week.

What am I thankful for this year?  Besides pie?

  - A front seven that's stouter than Thorin Oakenshield.

  - Getting a whole turkey cheap the day after Thanksgiving.  Everyone else is going to the mall, and I'm hitting the grocery store.  That's just smart shopping.

  - And, of course, Star Wars - The Force Awakens.  Opening December 18th everywhere.

Until next time...

Saturday, November 7, 2015

Three Things to Watch This Week - Week 9

The 7 - 0 New England Patriots play Kirk Cousins and the 3 - 4 Washington Professional Football Team at Gillette on Sunday November 8th at 1:00 PM.

Game balls to Tom Brady and Dion Lewis for last week's game against Miami.  Dion Lewis is delightful to watch.

Oh my.

Here's three things I'll be watching for on Sunday:

1) Stephen Gostkowski - Consistently excellent.  Probably deserves more credit than he gets.  Did you know he's the Patriots' all-time leading scorer?  He is!  The more you know.

2) Bryan Stork - Getting The Stork back this week.  Alright alright.

3) No third thing this week.

Did Scott Chandler get flagged for offensive pass interference last week?  No!

Did Michael Williams have a catch last week?  No!

Dramatic music.

My prediction: Pats 35, Washington Professional Football Team 17


This week we have Fake Josh McDaniels's Movie Corner for your reading pleasure.

What up, Bros and Lady Bros?

Had an extra day off with the Thursday night game last week.  Got caught up on a few recent flicks with my boys.  I'll try to fill you in without giving away too much in the way of spoilers.  Josh hates spoilers.

Ex-Machina - This was Matty P's pick.  I thought it was going to be kinda nerdy.  AND IT WAS.  But it was also really cool.  I could definitely relate to Misunderstood Genius Guy trying to get everyone else up on his level.  But would it have killed them to throw in a little robot sex?

Jurassic World - This felt like a remix of the earlier movies.  If there was something you liked in JP 1, 2 or 3 (or Jaws... or Aliens...), it'll show up in some form here.  It's like the Girl Talk of dinosaur movies.  Only not as good as that would probably be.

That's it for now.  Josh's Movie Corner is closed.

Until next time... take it easy, Brahs.


Thursday, October 29, 2015

Three Things to Watch This Week - Week 8

The 6 - 0 New England Patriots play Ryan Tannehill and the 3 - 3 Miami Dolphins at Gillette on Thursday October 29th at 8:25 PM.

(That's two weeks in a row playing teams lead by Ryans.  That's got to be some kind of record, right?  I'll contact the folks over at Elias Sports Bureau.)

Good Week 7 win over a surprisingly not at all terrible Jets team.  They might be for real this year.

Game balls to Danny Amendola and Dont'a Hightower.  Those guys were all over the place.

Robert Gronkowski: Difficult to Tackle

Lewis Power Rankings:

1) and Clark

2) Huey

3) Dion

4) Reggie

5) Mo

Here's three things I'll be watching for on Thursday night:

1) Dolphins D-Line - Their biggest strength will be going up against our biggest weakness.  Level of concern: moderate to high.  Spooktacular.

2) Dropped Balls - So many dropped balls last week.  It was worse than a locker room full of old guys.

3) Running Backs - Will the Patriots run the ball at all this week?  Magic 8 Ball says "ask again later".

Did Scott Chandler get flagged for offensive pass interference last week?  No!

Did Michael Williams have a catch last week?  Yes!

No sad trombones for anyone.

My prediction: Pats 38, Dolphins 30


And now we present The Continuing Adventures of Julian Edelman, Private Dick.

On the job.  Still working the Case of the Cheating Husband.  My client (The Wife) called and gave me the address where her husband was going to be for the night.

The Husband was having another one of those "offsite meetings".  I had my doubts.  But a job is a job.  And you can only grind so much tape before you need to walk away for a bit.

I double checked the address.  I know that address.  That's the Panera.  Decent sandwiches.  No burgers.

Better hit Five Guys on the way to my stakeout (I had to look up the spelling on that one guys... It's not "steakout" like I hoped it was...  That would be way better if somebody brought you a steak while you were on a steakout.).

I found the location, identified the suspect, grabbed a booth, and made myself at home.

I sat close enough so that I could hear their conversation, but not so close that I'd bring attention to myself.  I took notes.  I put press coverage on my burger.

He definitely was with a lady.  My client was right about that. But the conversation didn't sound flirty.  Or even vaguely romantic.  It sounded like a real work conversation.

"We own the property.  The plans for the hotel are done.  The permits are already going through.  And all we need to do here is take this building out right here."

"Which one?"

"This part of the strip mall.  The section with the Five Guys building."

(I nearly choked on my fries.)

They were talking about taking down Five Guy.  MY Five Guys.  What?


Just... No.  Not that.  You can't do that.

This was starting to affect ME directly.

A Panera employee walked over to my table.

"Sir... Did you bring your own food from outside?"

Damn.  I made too much noise.

"I bought this.  That's OK, right?"

"Did you buy it FROM HERE?"

"Well no."

"If you're not buying anything FROM HERE, I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

This had to be the worst stakeout I've ever been on.

I grabbed what was left of my burger and got out of there like I was a returning a punt.  (I left my fries behind.  I still feel bad about that.  Never leave a man behind.)

Time to grind.

Friday, October 23, 2015

Three Things to Watch This Week - Week 7

The 5 - 0 New England Patriots play Ryan Fitzpatrick and the 4 -1 New York Jets (Really?  Is that right?  That can't be right.) at Gillette on Sunday October 25th at 1:00 PM.

I love this picture.

I do not love this picture.

I was hoping for a blowout last week.  But somehow, what happened was even better.  The Colts gave us one of the most memorable plays in years last week.  Of course I'm talking about the Swinging Gate Fake Punt play.  (Also... Who calls a fake punt in their own end in the fourth quarter when they're behind?)

How does it compare to the infamous Butt Fumble play?

Butt Fumble vs Swinging Gate Fake Punt*

Play called by coachMaybe (but probably not)Definitely
Should somebody be firedEh, not reallyProbably
Prominently featured buttsYesNo

*shoutout to LA Mike for facilitating this conversation.  That's why I call him The Facilitator.

Here's three things I'll be watching closely on Sunday:

1) Offensive Line - More injuries last week?  Yikes!  Who's left?

2) Wide Receiver - Edelman definitely broke a finger last week (see above picture).  That's bad.  Will we get Brandon LaFell back this week?  That would be nice.

3) Linebackers - This is the best group of linebackers we've had since 2007.  Jamie Collins is an insane athlete.

Did Scott Chandler get flagged for offensive pass interference last week?  Yes!

Did Michael Williams have a catch last week?  No.  Sad trombone.

My prediction: Pats 24, Jets 21


Hunter S. Belichick 

February 1, 2015

We were somewhere around Glendale on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like "I feel a bit lightheaded, maybe you should call the plays...".  I had been up all night watching tape.  And suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like defensive backs, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about 100 miles an hour with the top down to the stadium. 

"Holy Jeebus!  Why didn't we just ride on the team bus?" Josh muttered, staring at his laptop.

Then it was quiet again. My attorney / offensive coordinator had taken his hooded sweatshirt off and was pouring Gatorade on his chest, to facilitate the tanning process. 

"Never mind," I said. "It's your turn to drive.  We're on to Arizona." I hit the brakes.  No point mentioning those Seattle defensive backs, I thought. The poor bastard will see them soon enough.  Especially that Richard Sherman fellow.  He's worse than Nixon.

They would be tough miles.  But I was coaching against Pete Carroll.  So I liked my chances.

Jesus! Did I say that? Or just think it?

Saturday, October 17, 2015

Three Things to Watch This Week - Week 6

The 4 - 0 New England Patriots travel to Lucas Oil Stadium to take on Andrew Luck (?) and the 3 - 2 Indianapolis Colts on Sunday October 18th at 8:30 PM.

(The game starts at 8:30?!  Oh man... I'm going to be tired Monday morning.)

I love this picture.

Max Power Rankings:

1) Max Power

2) Mad Max

3) Max Bialystock


5) Max von Sydow


11,997) Max and Ruby

Here's three things I'll be watching closely on Sunday:

1) Left Tackle - Nate Solder is done for the year.  I find him average at best, but it's never good when one your starters go down.

2) Corners - It's Malcolm Butler and... Some other guys?  I don't even know anymore.  I'm afraid of facing a team with multiple good receivers.

3) Julian Edelman (again) - I just wanted an excuse to post this gif of Edelman breaking ankles.

With Hoomanawanui gone, who will we affectionately deride around these parts for their modest productivity?

I nominate 6' 6", 304 lbs(!) Tight End Michael Williams.  Williams is in his first year with the Patriots, acquired via trade with the Lions.

(Let's be honest, he's really just a tackle with a TE number)

With 1 reception on the season, there should be plenty of opportunities to bust out the Sad Trombone.

My prediction: Pats 34, Colts 21

(Trying something new this week.  Bear with me.  Let's see if it works.)

It was the two minute warning of my workday.  Another one almost in the books.  Just watching the clock tick tock away the last few seconds.

Just me at my desk with an unopened bottle of diet whiskey that I was getting ready to put a significant hit on.  I had just gotten out my glass.

And then she walked in.

Things would never be the same after that.

"Can you help me?  I think my husband is cheating on me."

"Have a seat.  What makes you say that?"

"He works late every night."

"So?  Lots of people work evenings.  I work late.  We're at my office right now and it's after dark."

"He's a real estate agent.  He's been out on a lot of 'late night closings' if you know what I mean."

"I think I do."

(I did not.)

"Is there anything else you've noticed going on?  Suspicious messages?  A second cell phone?"

"No.  Just the extra work stuff."

"Does he have a history of cheating?  A Linder profile?"

"What?  No."

"Well.  What then?"

"I can't explain  It's just a feeling I've got.  A woman just knows these things."

(Is that true?  I'll have to look that up later.)

"If I give you his information, can you follow him around?  See what he's up to?"

"I think we can make that work.  But then again, it might be nothing."

"I understand.  Hey... Aren't you...?"

"Shhhhh.  Yeah. But don't tell anyone.  Detective work is my real passion.  This is what I want to do with my life.  The Other Thing is just my day job.  But I turned out to be kinda good at that, too.  So I play professional football just to pay the bills."

"Is that why your office is above a gym?"

"Sometimes business can be a little slow.  Besides, you never know when you'll have time to get an extra workout in."

"OK.  When I can expect to hear from you again?"

"Well, we are in the middle of a season.  But I think I can move your case to the top of my to-do list."

And with that... She was gone.

I'm Julian Edelman.  Wide Receiver by day (and sometimes Sunday nights or Monday nights... and once in a while Thursday nights), Private Dick by night.

Time to grind.

Friday, October 9, 2015

Three Things to Watch This Week - Week 5

The 3 - 0 New England Patriots travel to AT&T Stadium to take on Tony Romo Brandon Weeden and the 2 - 2 Dallas Cowboys Sunday October 11th at 4:25 PM.

I love this picture.

Season Power Rankings:

1) Spring

2) Fall

3) Summer

4) ...

5) Winter

Here's three things I liked so far this season (we're down to three things this year... inflation and whatnot...):

1) Aaron Dobson is off to a semi-decent start.  (Yes!  Really!  Seven catches against Buffalo!  That's more passes than he caught in all of 2014.)

2) Dion Lewis is your rushing leader through the first three games.  Lewis has been nothing short of a revelation at RB.  Please hold on to the ball.

3) Julian Edelman has been on fire to start the season.  The Patriots are now 2 - 0 when I wear the Edelman t-shirt.

Did Michael Hoomanawanui have a catch last week?

No, silly.  He got traded to New Orleans.

My prediction: Pats 34, Cowboys 21


This week we have Fake Matt Patricia filling for Fake Bill Belichick.

Hello Carbon Based Lifeforms.

Oh man... What a season!

That ending had me on the edge of my seat.  Amazing stuff, right down to the very end.  I'm just glad I got be a part of it.

Of course, I'm talking about HBO's fantasy epic Game of Thones.

Sure, winning the Super Bowl was great, too.  Don't get me wrong.

But can you believe they killed off [redacted]?

...Or did they?!

I can't wait until Season 6.  Let's do this!

(Also... We here at One Patriot Place lost our own personal version of The Mountain this year when Vince Wilfork signed with the Texans.  Good luck, Vince.  You'll always have a special place in our hearts.  I'll think of you every time I make ribs.)

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Legacy Preserved

The Patriots beat the Seahawks 28 - 24 on February 1st, 2015 to win their 4th NFL Championship.

It was one of the best Super Bowls you'll ever see.

One last thought:

Brady was straight fire in the 4th quarter.   13 of 15 for 2 TDs (and 8 of 8 on the last drive).  Against the #1 defense in football.

If Seattle simply runs the ball at the 1, instead we're talking about how Brady just couldn't win the big game in the second half of his career.

4 - 2 in the Super Bowl sounds much much better than 3 - 3.

So... Thank you, Malcolm Butler.


Friday, January 30, 2015

Five Things to Watch This Week - Super Bowl XLIX

The Patriots play Super Bowl XLIX at University of Phoenix Stadium against the Seattle Seahawks on Sunday, February 1 at 6:30 PM.

Thanks for coming along for the ride.  It's been an entertaining season.

Avast, me Hearties!  Hide your MILFs.  Be doing yer job.   

With the exception of maybe the 2007 team, this is the most talented Patriots team of the last 10 years.  And unlike the last time this team was in the Super Bowl, they appear to be relatively healthy.  I really hope they can cash one in.

Some or all of these guys will need to have big games on Sunday for the Patriots to win:

1) Tom Brady 2) Julian Edelman 3) Rob Gronkowski (and if Seattle sells out to take Edelman and Gronkowski away, Blount, LaFell and Amendola (gulp) will need to step up) 4) Darrelle Revis and 5) Chandler Jones / Rob Ninkovich.

And hopefully we end up somewhere under 37 pass interference flags on Brandon Browner.

That's pretty much it.

Did Michael Hoomanawanui have a catch last week?


I'm not going to pick a score here... But I'm cautiously optimistic.  I think we have a chance.


This week we have Fake Matt Patricia filling for Fake Bill Belichick.

Hello Carbon Based Lifeforms.  Hope this correspondence finds you warm and comfortable with a variety of snacks and craft beers readily available to you.

Is it my turn to do the write up this week?  During Super Bowl week?  Oh wow.  That's a lot of pressure.

First...  I hope we win on Sunday.  Mostly for the team... But also because I think winning a Super Bowl as a coach and coordinator would be quite an exciting life experience to have.

But as excited as I am to be coaching in the Super Bowl this year, unfortunately it means I won't be hosting my own Super Bowl party on Sunday.  I had so many good ideas for great cooking projects, you guys!  I don't want to give anything away... but I was going to have two crock pots going.

Also... I should probably wrap up the Linder anecdote from earlier this season.  If you remember, Josh McDaniels had tasked some of the tech boys with coming up with a combination career building dating smart phone application.

They checked in with me to see if this was OK.  So we decided to have a little fun with the process.

In the test environment, we rigged it so that Josh got paired up with a shopped picture of himself in a wig and makeup every time.  And wouldn't you know... he loved it!

We had a sensible chuckle at that.

McDaniels thinks he has a lunch date slash job interview scheduled with "Joshephina" on Tuesday.  I'll let you know how that turns out.

Until next time...

Friday, January 16, 2015

Five Things to Watch This Week - AFC Championship Game

The Patriots play the AFC Championship Game at Gillette against the Indianapolis Colts on Sunday January 18th and 6:40 PM

Are the Colts a tough match-up?  Of course they are.  I'm not overlooking them at all.

BUT (big butt?)... I'd be lying if I said the Ravens didn't scare me a whole bunch more than these Colts.  So I'm glad that one is behind us.

An Army that carries the Gronk before it... is invincible.

(Also...  Excellent Manningfreude last week!)

Who's the Boss? Power Rankings:

5) Jonathan

4) Angela

3) Tony

2) Samantha

1) Mona

(That show ran for 8 YEARS?!  Holy crap.)

Here are five guys I'll be watching this week:

1) Julian Edelman - That pass to Amendola was just filthy.  If Amendola had dropped that one, I personally would have gone to Patriots training camp every day next year with a "Cut Amendola" sign.

2) Darrelle Revis - He ended up being pretty fantastic this year.  The refs must have been confused without Browner out there last week, so they started throwing flags on Revis.

3) Nate Solder - Solder has played like poo for long stretches of time this year.  I don't want to be watching guys run past him all day on Sunday.

4) Dont'a Hightower - Hightower has been a beast this year.  Sorry it took me a while to believe in you.

5) LeGarrette Blount - Is that Blount cached out?  It sure has looked like it the last few weeks.

Did Michael Hoomanawanui have a catch last week?

Yes!  He had 4!  (Which I believe is more than he had during the whole regular season.)

My prediction: Pats 31, Colts 24


This year, we're going to have regular contributions from Fake Bill Belichick for your reading pleasure.

Had a little gathering at my place on New Year's Eve.  You know the orgy scene in 'Eyes Wide Shut'?  Not unlike that.  Nothing major.  Normal Wednesday night kinda stuff.

I kicked everyone out around 2:30 so I could I get some sleep.  But I was still too wound up from the party.

I started sifting through the various Christmas presents that sat unopened by the door.  And I found a copy of 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' on Blu-ray.

Huh... McDaniels actually did something good this year.  I'm not ready to throw out my laserdiscs just yet... But I'm starting to come around on Blu-ray as a format.

What's great about these movies, aside from Harrison Ford actually trying, is that they're fun.  (And... of course... Karen Allen.)

Feeling somewhat inspired... I figured we'd open things up against Baltimore and throw in a few gadget plays.  Worked out pretty well for us.

True story.