Friday, October 28, 2016

Three Things to Watch This Week - Week 8

The first place New England Patriots play Tyrod Taylor and the Buffalo Bills at The Ralph New Era Field on Sunday October 30th at 1:00 PM.


Tailgating preparations are already underway in Orchard Park, NY

Halloween Candy Power Rankings:

1) Reese's Peanut Butter Cups

2) Take 5

3) Snickers

4) Peanut M&Ms

5) Reese's Peanut Butter Cups (again)

6) Kit Kat


Here's three things I'll be getting defensive about on Sunday:

1) Kyle Van Noy - Welcome aboard new linebacker Kyle Van Noy, acquired this week in a trade from Detroit.  I'm interested to see how the Patriots use him. In his own words, the Lions "didn’t know where to put me."

2) Woodrow Hamilton - Not our 19th President, but you'd be forgiven if you guessed that.

3) Patrick Chung - Chung made some most excellent plays against the Steelers last week.


FREE AGENT WATCH: Has Malcolm Butler, Jamie Collins or Dont'a Hightower been resigned yet?  Not yet!

Did Malcolm Mitchell have a catch last week?  No.  He gave up on a deep ball that was thrown to him.  Brady's not going to like that.  Malcolm might not see any more balls for a while.  Double sad trombones.

My prediction: Pats 31, Bills 21


*****
This week we have Fake Matt Patricia filling in for Fake Bill Belichick.

Hello... uh... Fellow Nerds.

When I'm not working, I like write my own Game of Thrones fan fiction.

My Facebook profile pic is Captain Picard from Star Wars.

I like to listen to Dad Rock at a reasonable volume.

Sometimes I go to Krispy Kreme and ask them to run my beard under the doughnut frosting machine.

I went to rocket science school.  Durrrrr....

Ha ha ha!

Just kidding.  It's Josh.  I'm going as Lunchbox Patricia for Halloween this year.  Just practicing my act.  Pretty spooky, right?

Man, this fake beard is itchy.  I'm going to last about 5 minutes in this thing.

Happy Halloween, tools!  I totally had you fooled there for a minute.  I wish I could see your faces right now.

Until next time... take it easy, Brahs.

JAY MICK DEE OUT.

Friday, October 21, 2016

Three Things to Watch This Week - Week 7

The first place New England Patriots play Ben Roethlisberger  Landry Jones (who?) and the Pittsburgh Steelers at Heinz Field on Sunday October 23rd at 4:25 PM.

I'm looking forward to watching the game Sunday afternoon with my sons Jon and Lester.

What are we getting for takeout later?

Spice Power Rankings:

1) Coffee

2) Ginger

3) Pumpkin

4) Sugar and

5) Old

Here's three things I'm looking forward to watching on Sunday:

1) Stephen Gostkowski - Everything OK, Stephen Gostkowski?  Something you want to tell us about?  We're worried about you.

2) Dont'a Hightower - Congratulations to Dont'a Hightower for being named the AFC Defensive Player of the Week.  He can be absolute monster at times.  That safety last week was huge.  Huge, I tell you.  Total game changer.

3) No third thing this week.  Go to your room and think about what you've done.


FREE AGENT WATCH: Has Malcolm Butler, Jamie Collins or Dont'a Hightower been resigned yet?  Not yet!

Did Malcolm Mitchell have a catch last week?  Nope.  Sad trombone.

My prediction: Pats 27, Steelers 17

*****
This year, we're going to have regular contributions from Fake Bill Belichick for your reading pleasure.

Lotta people asking me about the tablet thing this week.  Not the tablets that Lawrence Taylor used to keep in his locker before games.  The computer kind.

I use it to browser the web and check emails and what have you.

I can get the Netflix on it.  That much I can figure out.

Can I use it to read books?  I can!  Boom.  Watch this.  "Carthage Must Be Destroyed: The Rise and Fall of an Ancient Civilization" right there at my finger tips.  See that?  Took 30 seconds to download the whole thing.  Amazing.

Coach Patricia even got me to play Age of Empires with him on the plane with it one time.

But I click on ONE pop up ad about hot older women in my area looking to meet up with me, and the thing just freezes up on me.  Useless.

What is that?

Not acceptable, people.

Friday, October 14, 2016

Three Things to Watch This Week - Week 6

The first place New England Patriots play Andy Dalton and the Cincinnati Bengals at Gillette on Sunday October 16th at 1:00 PM.

All those moments will be lost in time... like tears in rain... 

How good did the passing game look last week?  Pretty good!

Hogan Power Rankings:

1) 's Heroes

2) Chris

3) Michael

4) Valerie

5) Paul


Here's three things I'm looking forward to watching on Sunday:

1) James White - More!  Gimme more James White.  More, I say!

2) Chris Hogan - Hogan caught some deep balls last week.  Balls!  Deep ones!

3) Martellus Bennett - Marty had 3 touchdowns last week.  Three!  I'm just going to keep him locked in here until further notice.


FREE AGENT WATCH: Has Malcolm Butler, Jamie Collins or Dont'a Hightower been resigned yet?  Not yet!

Did Malcolm Mitchell have a catch last week?  Yes!  He had 2!

My prediction: Pats 30, Bengals 13

*****
Let's hear from Tyrell Corporation Nexus-6 TB12 model Fake Tom Brady this week.

I have returned.

It's not an easy thing to meet your maker...

I've done... questionable things.

I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Jason Taylor sacks that come from out of nowhere.  Vince Wilfork in the shower.  Rex Ryan home movies / fetish videos.  That weird mattress commercial I do for some reason.    Bills fans.

All those moments will be lost in time... like tears in rain...

Sunday, October 9, 2016

Three Things to Watch This Week - Week 5

The first place New England Patriots play Cody Kessler (who?) and the Cleveland Browns at FirstEnergy Stadium on Sunday October 9th at 1:00 PM.

"I drink and I know things."

Days of the Week Power Rankings:

1) Saturday

2) Sunday

3) Friday

4) Thursday

5) Wednesday

6) Tuesday

7) Monday


Here's three things I'm looking forward to watching on Sunday:

1) Rob Ninkovich - Ninkovich is back to bolster the defensive line after a 4 game suspension.

2) Julian Edelman - I was super excited to see Edelman go off for 90 yards on that first drive... and then it got called back.  That might have been the highlight of the game and it didn't even count.

3) Martellus Bennett - Bennett has been better than Gronk so far this season.  Plus he's funnier on Twitter.

Shout out to Jacoby Brissett, who ended up on IR after having thumb surgery.  Thank you for your efforts.  You were put in a bad situation last week and performed admirably.

FREE AGENT WATCH: Has Malcolm Butler, Jamie Collins or Dont'a Hightower been resigned yet?  Not yet!

Did Malcolm Mitchell have a catch last week?  Not a one.

(Sad trombone)

My prediction: Pats 50, Browns 3


*****
This week we have Fake Matt Patricia filling for Fake Bill Belichick.

Hello Carbon Based Lifeforms.

How was your summer break?  Mine was great, thanks for asking!  I sure am glad to be back on the football field.

I spent my summer vacation catching up on some of my Netflix stories.  My favorite show of the summer was Stranger Things (possible mild spoilers ahead).  Having grown up on Stephen King and Steven Spielberg, this was right in my wheelhouse.

Obviously, I connected with the kids.  And Chief Hopper.  And waffles.  (Who doesn't love waffles?)  And Barb.  (Poor Barb.) 

But the thing that really struck me was the monster.  Are we sure he's such a bad guy?  What if the monster was just trapped and looking for a way out of The Upside Down?  Maybe he was just lonely and looking to make a connection?

Maybe he's not a monster at all.  Maybe he's us.

(Also, I haven't gotten to Luke Cage yet, but I hope to watch that next.  He looks like he'd be a good fit at linebacker.  He'd look great between Collins and Hightower.  Ha!)

Until next time...

Saturday, October 1, 2016

Three Things to Watch This Week - Week 4

The first place New England Patriots play Tyrod Taylor and the Buffalo Bills at Gillette on Sunday October 2nd at 1:00 PM.


Gettin' squirrely.

Who's going to start at quarterback for the Pats on Sunday?

This is our concern, Dude.

David Power Rankings:

1) Ortiz

2) Bowie

3) Michelangelo's

4) Larry

5) Lynch


Here's three things I'm looking forward to watching on Sunday:

1) Jimmy Garoppolo - My sources are telling me he plays this week.

2) Rob Gronkowski - He played last week, but that looked like about 10% Gronk.  I'm guessing he goes off this week.

3) LeGarrette Blount - Do I goof on Blount a bit here?  I do!  He was also the AFC Offensive Player of the Month.  So good on him.

FREE AGENT WATCH: Has Malcolm Butler, Jamie Collins or Dont'a Hightower been resigned yet?  Not yet!

Did Malcolm Mitchell have a catch last week?  Aww yiss.


My prediction: Pats 24, Bills 13


*****
And now we present The Continuing Adventures of Julian Edelman, Private Dick.

What are we doing here?

Who's playing quarterback on Sunday?

Your old pal Jules was on the case.

"Coach Belichick?  It's Jules.  FIST BUMP!  Who's under center this week?"

"Hi Julian.  Thanks for stopping by.  I'm really busy right now getting ready for Sunday.  Why don't you go see what Josh is up to?"

"Good idea  I'm on it!"

I snuck up on Coach McDaniels.

"Coach Josh!  It's Jules!  You need a QB this week?  Time to run the Squirrel Offense?  Let's do this."

"Go away."

"Bro."

"Bruh."

"Not cool, Bro.  Why won't The Josh let me run a few plays under center?"

"I'll consider it.  What's Lunchbox Patricia up to?  Go bother him.  Maybe he'll let you play DB again.  Heh heh... YOU'RE a DB, alright."

I could tell I wasn't wanted.  I moved on down to the other end of the hallway.

"Matty P.  What's up, My Man?"

"Hi Julian.  How are you today?"

"Good.  Good.  Remember when I played defensive back for a few games?  That was awesome."

"Yeah.  Good times."

"Who's our QB for Sunday?  No one will tell me what's going on!"

"Same here.  If I knew, I'd tell you.  Pull up a chair, we'll watch some tape together."

"What are you watching?  Bills?  Browns?"

"John Wick."

"Niiiiice!  I love that movie!"

Great flick.  I still don't know who's going to be quarterback this weekend though.

I miss Tom.

Time to grind.