Sunday, September 17, 2017

Three Things to Watch This Week - Week 2

The defending Super Bowl Champion New England Patriots play Drew Brees and the New Orleans Saints at Mercedes-Benz Superdome on Sunday September 17th at 1:00 PM.

Frank Silva, Harbormaster

Not a great start to the season, you guys.  I'm hoping to have more of a read on this team after this week.  Signs point to no Dont'a Hightower or Danny Amendola this week.  BUT... New Orleans was even worse in week 1.  We should still be able to pull this one out.  I'm not panicking yet.  BUT ALSO... let's not lose this week and start the season 0 - 2.

Gilmore Power Rankings:

1) Lorelai

2) Artis

3) Rory

4) Stephon

Here are three players that play for the Patriots that aren't injured yet as of press time:

1) Malcolm Butler - Butler didn't have a great pre-season, but I thought he looked better than Stephon Gilmore out there week 1.

2) Chris Hogan - One catch for 8 yards isn't going to cut it.  I need to see a Big Hogan week this week (Is "Big Hogan" a saying?  It should be.).

3) Mike Gillislee - I like when former division rivals come here and play well.  It pleases me.

Shout out to our old friend and current Saint Michael Hoomanawanui

My prediction: Pats 31, Saints 28

This week we have Fake Josh McDaniels filling for Fake Bill Belichick.

What's up, Bronies and Lady Bronies?

Welp... If the defense is going to give up 42 points a game, we'll just go out and score 43.

I'll admit it.  We kinda missed Edelman out there last week.  Like if you took Richard Dreyfuss out of Jaws.  Sure he's annoying at times, but it just wouldn't be the same movie without him (Robert Shaw owns in that movie, by the way)

I bet we could convince Edelman to get in the shark cage if we took him out on the boat.  We'll just have to tell Edelman the shark disrespected him.  Got to remind myself to try that next summer.

Fake Josh's Josh Jam of the Week is Queens of the Stone Age - The Evil Has Landed.

(Honestly, this whole album just gets me.)

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Three Things to Watch This Week - Week 1

The defending Super Bowl Champion New England Patriots play Alex Smith (ugh, still?) and the Kansas City Chiefs at Gillette Stadium on Thursday September 7th at 8:30 PM.

Marsh Power Rankings:

1) Randy

2) Beverly

3) Mallow

4) Blooming

5) Salt

6) Cassius

7) -all Crenshaw

Get well soon, Julian Edelman

With Edelman on the shelf for the season, here are three guys I'm hoping can help pick up the slack:

1) Brandin Cooks - Feels like they've been keeping him under wraps for the preseason.  They might have something special here.  I'm expecting big things.

2) Danny Amendola - It would be nice if Danny could stay healthy for 16 games, but I'm not holding my breath.  (Wouldn't you go by "Daniel" as a grown man?)

3) James White -  Obviously, he had himself a heck of a game in the Super Bowl.  But did you know he also had 60 receptions last year?  Well he did!

New Business:

The Patriots acquired a number of new players this year including Dwayne Allen (TE), Brandin Cooks (WR), Rex Burkhead (RB), Phillip Dorsett (WR), Kony Ealy (DE), Mike Gillislee (RB), Stephon Gilmore (CB), David Harris (LB) and Cassius Marsh (DE).

(Whoa.  If that's not loading up for this season, I don't know what is.)

Old Business:

Marty Bennett, LeGarrette Blount, Jacoby Brissett, Chris Long and Kony Ealy (gone before I could even get off a KONY2017 blast) are no longer with us.

(They're not dead, they're just not on Patriots anymore.)

Areas of concern going in to the season: defensive front, kicker

Did Malcolm Mitchell have a catch in the Super Bowl?  Yes!  Six!  (I think we can officially retire this bit now)

My prediction: Pats 28, Chiefs 17

This year, we're going to have regular contributions from Fake Bill Belichick for your reading pleasure.

I led the crowd in a chant of "No days off!" at the Super Bowl parade last year.  But if I'm being completely honest with you, I did take a few days off this off-season.  Spent a few days out on the boat.  Had a couple of Michelobs.

I'm feeling like this is a good year to just cruise for a bit.  Let Matt and Josh handle the day to day details, you know?  I'll stay aft.

Patricia upgraded all my laserdiscs to streaming.  I don't know how it works out on the boat, but it does.  Put on Thief .  Does it get any better than Michael Mann directing James Caan?

I should call Jim and see if he wants to go out on the boat this weekend.  Nobody tends bar like Jimmy.  And he can cook, too.  Makes the best steak and lobster tails you ever had.  Never seen the man eat a vegetable, though.

Fake Bill's Yacht Rock Jam of the Week:

Since we're kicking off the season with a night game, let's go with Benny Mardones - Into the Night

Sunday, February 5, 2017

Three Things to Watch This Week - Super Bowl LI

The AFC Champion New England Patriots play Matt Ryan and the Atlanta Falcons at NRG Stadium on Sunday February 5th at 6:30 PM.

I'm cautiously optimistic about our chances on Sunday.

Again... Thanks for coming along for the ride.  It's been an entertaining season.

Who's got 15?  Anyone?

Super Power Rankings:

1) flight

2) invisibility

3) being able to find a parking space when you really need one

4) indestructibility

5) telekinesis, Kyle

Here's three things I'm looking forward to watching Sunday night:

1) Malcolm Butler / Devin McCourty / Patrick Chung - I'm putting a lot of responsibility on the secondary this week (note - not actually my decision).  The defense doesn't have to be GREAT.  Just be VERY GOOD and get a few big stops.

2) LeGarrette Blount / Dion Lewis - Whenever I think we're going to get one of these guys as the feature back in the game plan that week, we end up getting the other guy.  So I'm just going to list them together and hope we get a good showing out the RB position on Sunday.

3) Offensive Line - The biggest reason the Pats lost Super Bowl 42 was that the line played like poo.  Keep Tom upright and he should be able to pick a suspect Falcons defense clean.

FREE AGENT WATCH: Has Malcolm Butler, Jamie Collins or Dont'a Hightower been resigned yet?  Not yet!

Did Malcolm Mitchell have a catch last week?  Yes!  But he also had a drop in the Red Zone.  That's not how you stay in Tom's Circle of Trust, Malcolm.

My prediction: Pats 34, Falcons 31

This week we have Fake Matt Patricia filling for Fake Bill Belichick.

Hello Carbon Based Lifeforms.  As always... Hope this correspondence finds you warm and comfortable with a variety of snacks and craft beers readily available to you.

I won't be hosting a Super Bowl party at my apartment this year.  Mostly because my landlady asks that I respect her Quiet Hours after 9:00 PM.  But also because I'll be coaching in it again.

Maybe I'll have a Pie Party over at my place the following week.  Some people say you can only have a Pie Party on March 14th.  But those people are not your friends.

Pie is probably my favorite food to make AND eat.  There's just so many great things you can do with pie!  There's so many different varieties and combinations and things you can emphasize... Just a like a good defense!  I'll let you know how the Pie Party goes.

Also, don't make wings.  Chicken wings on Super Bowl Sunday are totally over done.

But if you're going to do wings anyway, try this recipe:

3 pounds chicken wings
1 large onion, chopped
1 c brown sugar
1 c soy sauce
1/4 c cooking sherry
2 t ginger
2 cloves garlic

- rinse and pat dry wings

- broil wings 20 minutes on broiler pan (10 minutes per side)

- transfer wings to crock pot

- combine ingredients, pour over wings

- cover and cook 2 - 3 hours on high (or 5 - 6 hours on low)

Good luck to the team on Sunday!  (Even though luck is an artificial construct humans use to describe things that can be explained by probability and careful analysis!)

Saturday, January 21, 2017

Three Things to Watch This Week - AFC Conference Championship

The AFC #1 seed New England Patriots play Ben Roethlisberger and the Pittsburgh Steelers at Gillette on Sunday January 22nd at 6:40 PM.

That kick return (makes Italian chef kissing fingers gesture).

First half of divisional round game against the Texans was ugly.  Sloppy!  Patriots rusty from the bye week?  Were the Texans just playing out of their mind?  Eh.  Maybe a little bit of both.

This is a very good Steelers team the Patriots are playing this week.  But it doesn't feel like a very deep Steelers team.  The Patriots defense should be able to take away Pittsburgh's main offensive weapons.

Supposedly half the Steelers have the flu.  Genius Bill Belichick strikes again!  Diabolical.

Ben Power Rankings:

1) Franklin

2) & Jerry’s

3) Dover

4) edict Cumberbatch

5) Roethlisberger

6) Folds

7) Gazzara

8) icio Del Toro

Here's three things I'm looking forward to watching Sunday night:

1) Malcolm Butler - It's Butler vs. Antonio Brown!  Probably!  With safety help over the top sometimes!  (Unless they put Butler on the number 2 receiver and double Brown full time!)  Sunday Sunday Sunday!

2) Chris Hogan - Are we doing the deep ball thing as the primary focus of the offense again this week?  Yikes, I hope not.  But I'll feel much better about it if Hogan is back out there.

3) Dion Lewis - Oh my, that kick off return was a thing of beauty.  But that fumble?  Not so much.   ("Great day for ball-security! Right, Dion?")

FREE AGENT WATCH: Has Malcolm Butler, Jamie Collins or Dont'a Hightower been resigned yet?  Not yet!

Did Malcolm Mitchell have a catch last week?  No.  He was hurt.  Hopefully he's back out there this week.

My prediction: Pats 27, Steelers 24

This week we have Fake Matt Patricia filling in for Fake Bill Belichick.

Hello Carbon Based Lifeforms.

I interviewed with the Los Angeles Rams about their job opening on the bye week.  Very informative!

I learned a lot about the whole process and how other teams conduct their business.

But it's important to not just take any old job.  It has to be a good fit for both sides.

I asked if I would still be allowed to do tech support around the office if I was head coach.  They didn't seem to be too keen on that idea.

Oh well.  I think I'd be a little sad if I had to give that up.  I like solving problems.  It's all about helping people, you know?

(Be sure to check for updated virus definitions and run your anti-virus program once a week.)

Until next time...

P.S.  Have you guys seen Rogue One yet?  Direct message me and we'll talk about it.

Friday, January 13, 2017

Three Things to Watch This Week - Divisional Playoff Round

The AFC #1 seed New England Patriots play Brock Osweiler Tom Savage Brock Osweiler and the Houston Texans at Gillette on Saturday January 14th at 8:15 PM.

This could be Vince's last game.  Shout out to the Big Man.

Are you excited for this game?  I'm excited for this game.

O'Brien Power Rankings

1) Miles

2) Richard

3) Conan

4) Bill

5) Chloe

Here's three things I'm looking forward to watching Saturday night:

1) LeGarrette Blount - Feels like a Blount force trauma game.  (Late editorial note: LeGarrette Blount (Illness) Misses Practice For Second Straight Day.  Yikes.  Scratch that.)

2) Offensive Line - The line had a heck of a good year.  Brady stayed clean.  The running backs had plenty of room.  Shout out to Dante Scarnecchia for coming out of retirement.

3) Dont'a Hightower - I think he's healthy again.  They've been moving him around more lately.  Watch where they have him line up before the play starts.  On the edge.  Off the line.  In the middle.

FREE AGENT WATCH: Has Malcolm Butler, Jamie Collins or Dont'a Hightower been resigned yet?  Not yet!

Did Malcolm Mitchell have a catch last week?  No.  He was hurt.  But he finished with 32 catches on the year.  Feels pretty good for a rookie on a team with that many weapons.  I'll take it.

My prediction: Pats 31, Texans 14

Vincent Lamar Wilfork entered our world via a portal in the swamps of Florida on November 4th, 1981.  Drafted 21st overall in the 2004 draft.

He stands hundreds of meters tall and wide, with human-like arms and legs.  Unconfirmed reports claim there may also be a pair of great and magnificent wings on his back under his shoulder pads.

He is much faster than one would believe.  How could someone be so massive and yet so simultaneously nimble?

Sometimes known to eat a roasted emu between quarters.  It is said he changes gravity itself when he takes the field.

Both elder god and human flesh in one body, simply looking upon the man is enough to drive an offensive linemen to the very edge of his sanity.

Excels in taking on two or more blockers at once.  Running backs are advised to go around him rather than run at him.

"Notes on a Defensive Tackle", Howard Phillips Lovecraft, defensive scouting assistant, special to Thursday Morning Third Down Back

Thursday, December 22, 2016

Three Things to Watch This Week - Week 16

The AFC East Champion New England Patriots play Ryan Fitzpatrick Bryce Petty* and the New York Jets at Gillette on Saturday December 24th at 1:00 PM.

*"Bryce Petty" sounds like a made up movie NASCAR driver name.

Tom takes a moment to meet with a fan after the game.

I'm probably going to miss the game on Saturday.  We'll be spending the holidays at an undisclosed location.  This upsets me greatly.  I haven't flat out missed a game since 1998.  Balls.

Dion Power Rankings:

1) Lewis

2) DiMucci

3) -ysus

4) Phaneuf (married to Elisha Cuthbert!)

5) Celine

Here's three things I'd be watching for on Saturday (if I was able to watch the game):

1) Devin McCourty - The McCourty hit on Demaryius Thomas was a thing of beauty.  The defense is coming together nicely over the last few weeks.  Great timing!

2) Chris Hogan - There's a nifty little "top 10 Brady plays of the year" video... And about 1/2 of them are deep balls to Hogan.  Good signing.

3) Malcolm Butler - I would have put him in the Pro Bowl, but that's just me.

FREE AGENT WATCH: Has Malcolm Butler, Jamie Collins or Dont'a Hightower been resigned yet?  Not yet!

(Kinda losing out on hope that this will happen during the season, you guys.)

Did Malcolm Mitchell have a catch last week?  Just one... But it was a beauty.

My prediction: Pats 27, Jets 10

This year, we're going to have regular contributions from Fake Bill Belichick for your reading pleasure.

You like Christmas movies?  Don't tell anyone this, but... I love them.  Can't get enough of them.

Whenever Home Alone is on cable, I stop what I'm doing and watch the whole thing.

When Kevin comes up with the perfect game plan to thwart his heavily favored opponents?  That speaks to me directly.

He even uses his extensive knowledge of game film to help keep the bad guys out.

And John Candy.  Underrated guy.  Don't sleep on those SCTV vets.  Great program.

I also may have had a thing with Catherine O'Hara, but that's a story for another time.

Great stuff.

Sunday, December 18, 2016

Three Things to Watch This Week - Week 15

The first place New England Patriots play Trevor Siemian(?) and the Denver Broncos at Sports Authority Field at Mile High on Sunday December 18th at 4:25 PM.

Do not buy a tree from this man.

Bond Power Rankings:

1) savings

2) James

3) covalent

4) Gold

5) friendship

Despite Cyrus Jones's efforts to keep the Ravens in the game, that was a pretty solid win last week.  The defense played their best game of the year.

Still feeling the sting of last year's AFC Championship game loss in Denver.  I hope they go in and blow doors.

Here's three things I'm looking forward to watching on Sunday:

1) Shea McClellin - I find blocked field goals tremendously exciting.  Thanks, Shea McClellin!

2) Chris Hogan - That 4th quarter deep TD to Hogan to put the game away last week was a thing of beauty.

3) LeGarrette Blount - The Patriot offense is much more balanced than this time last year.  But this would be a great week for Blount to step up and take over.

FREE AGENT WATCH: Has Malcolm Butler, Jamie Collins or Dont'a Hightower been resigned yet?  Not yet!

Did Malcolm Mitchell have a catch last week?  Four!  And a TD!

My prediction: Pats 24, Broncos 14

This week we have Blount Talk with Fake LeGarrette Blount filling in for Fake Bill Belichick.

I'm an actor at a small local theater.  My director is always telling me I'm in the wrong place at the wrong time.  What should I do?
-- Mike in South Carolina

You should listen to your coaches and follow your blocking.

I'm trying to get my Christmas shopping done.  But the crowds are just out of control this year!  How do you deal with large groups of unwanted people in your way?
-- Susan in New Hampshire

I usually try to get behind Shaq Mason and let him move the crowd for me.

But if you can't do that, just get behind the shopping cart and plow through that crowd.

For Christmas this year I want an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle.
-- Ralphie in Indiana

You'll shoot your eye out, kid.