Thursday Morning Third Down Back

Fear and Loathing in Western New York We were somewhere around Batavia on the edge of the turf farms when the wings began to kick in. And suddenly there was a terrible roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge Bills fans, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was stopped at a rest stop on the Thruway to Western New York. And a voice was screaming: “Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?” Then it was quiet again. My attorney had taken his shirt off and was pouring Molson on his chest.  “Never mind,” I said. “It’s your turn to drive.” I hit the brakes and aimed the family sized cross over utility vehicle toward the shoulder of the highway. No point mentioning those Bills fans, I thought. The poor bastard will see them soon enough.  It was almost noon, and we still had more than 100 miles to go. They would be tough miles if we were going to find a place to watch the game.   We brought our own vegetables. My...

The New England Patriots play The Ben and the Pittsburgh Steelers at Heinz Field on Sunday December 16th at 4:25 PM. Plenty of positive takeaways from last week... well, until the last play (Gronk didn’t want to get in the way of a 69 yard touchdown). Gronk shouldn't have been out there on the last play.  There's no way a gimpy Tannehill was going to chuck one 70 yards.  Harrumph. Powers Power Rankings: 1) Boothe 2) Austin 3) Stephanie 4) Vested in me 5) Bleeding  6) (Irish whiskey) Here are three things I'm feeling good about this week: 1) Josh Gordon - Gordon has been better than expected so far.  Can you imagine the numbers Gordon could have put up if he had been here his whole career (and, well, sober)?  Guh. 2) James White - James White rules. 3) Jacob Hollister - I thought this was going to be Hollister's breakout year...  So far, he has 4 catches for the season.  There's still time! Did Rob Gronkowski play last week...

The New England Patriots play either Sam Darnold or Josh McCown and the New York Jets of New Jersey at MetLife Stadium on Sunday November 25th at 1:00 PM. Everybody rested and energized after the bye week?  Great!  Let's go! This is the least good 7 - 3 team I can remember.  They embarrass themselves on the road.  They forget to play defense for long stretches at a time.  The 2018 offense is the Diet Berkley and Jensen Cola version of the Patriots offense... ...and yet they've still got a decent chance at the two seed and a first round bye. Side Dish Power Rankings: 1) mashed potatoes 2) stuffing 3) bread / cornbread / rolls 4) everything else ... 11,997) Butternut GIVE ME ALL THE STARCHES. Here are three things I'm ready to get offensive about this week: 1) Chris Hogan - I thought for sure this was going to be Hogan's breakout year.  And yet he's averaging under 2.5 catches per game.  I'm baffled. 2) Rob Gronkowski - Eit...

The New England Patriots play Marcus Mariota and the Tennessee Titans at Nissan Stadium on Sunday November 11th at 1:00 PM. Beauty, eh? Ahhh... finally a 1:00 PM game.  Phew. Flowers Power Rankings: 1) Trey 2) for Algernon 3) in the Attic 4) King of Carrot 5) 1-800 Here are three things I enjoyed from last week's win over the Packers: 1) Flea flicker?  Flea flicker!   If I was an offensive coordinator, I would call five or six of these per game. 2) Edelman pass . Trick plays for everybody! I don't know why everyone doesn't try to convert college quarterbacks to wide receiver... 3) ...then you can have your other WRs play RB. "Having position players play their normal positions on offense?  That's so mainstream"  -- Hipster Patriots Did Rob Gronkowski play last week?  He did not! Recipe of the Week Whoopie Pies There's probably very little nutritional value in these.  Just a giant blob of sugar and cocoa an...

The New England Patriots play Aaron Rodgers and the Green Bay Packers at Gillette Stadium on Sunday November 4th at 8:20 PM. Another night time game?  Oh boy.  I'm going to need to take a late afternoon pre-game nap after my early afternoon nap. Our lead running back last week was...  Cordarrelle Patterson?  Is that right? Hat tip to the 2018 World Series Champion Red Sox.  I'm still available for more World Series talk if anyone wants to continue talking about it before we put baseball away for the winter. Rodgers Power Rankings: 1) and Hammerstein 2) Aaron 3) Bill 4) Nile 5) Paul Here are three items to think about about this weekend as you stumble around in a candy induced brain fog: 1) Devin McCourty - McCourty was fast on that interception return.  How fast?  Really fast! 2) Tom Brady - Here's another look at that Brady block vs Lorenzo Alexander   No Tom!  Don't do it!  Life is still worth li...

The New England Patriots play Josh Allen Nathan Peterman Derek Anderson and the Buffalo Bills at the Ralph on Monday October 29th at 8:15 PM. Good job, Kyle! Hope everybody is getting their rest.  Lots of sports this week. I'm done worrying about the defense.  Nobody plays defense anymore.  If the Patriots can make a "good" Bears defense look like that with no Gronk and somebody named Kenjon Barner getting 10 carries, defense really might not matter anymore. If you're going to give up 30 points a week, make sure you score 40. Mitch power rankings: 1) Pileggi 2) Moreland 3) Elizabeth  -ell 4) Taylor 5) Kupchak 6) Trubisky 7) Richmond Here are three things I'm feeling slightly better about as of late: 1) James White - James White is (semi) quietly having a fantastic season. 2) Josh Gordon - Josh Gordon has marvelous hands.  He could be a hand model. 3) Sony Michel - How bad is he hurt?  Is it serious?  I wonder if ...

The New England Patriots play Patrick Mahomes and the Kansas City Chiefs at Gillette Stadium on Sunday October 14th at 8:20 PM. The Patriots recent history against mobile quarterbacks is not great.  So I'm more than a little concerned about Sunday night. Nice win last week, but it's a good thing the Colts don't have receivers that can catch.  Otherwise that's a much closer game.  Luck still could be a fantastic quarterback.  You think they'd put a little talent around him. When Dad says we're going to Five Guys. Brock Power Rankings: 1) Samson 2) Holt 3) Peters 4) Boeser 5) -mire ... 11,997) Osweiler Here's three things I'll be getting defensive about on Sunday: 1) Stephon Gilmore - I still can't tell if Gilmore is good or not.  But he's probably not good enough to be taking crap to other corner backs. 2) Kyle Van Noy - Is Van Noy a great linebacker?  No.  But it's fun to do the Cartman voice when he makes a pl...

The New England Patriots play Andrew Luck and the Indianapolis Colts at Gillette Stadium on Thursday October 4th at 8:20 PM. HEADS UP, PEOPLE.  THURSDAY GAME THIS WEEK.  EVERYBODY LOOK ALIVE. It takes a lot of extra effort to crank out a column on these short weeks.  Hopefully I don't hurt myself.  Don't want to pull a hamstring or anything. Good bounce back game last Sunday.  Good job! I don't know if Miami was a bit overrated or if we're just a bad matchup for them. He's back. Julian Power Rankings: 1) Calendar 2) Edelman 3) Temple 4) -ne Nicholson 5) Voorhees Here's three things I feel slightly better about this week: 1) The Defensive Line - The defensive line played much better upon Trey Flowers' return. 2) The Secondary - The Patriots lead the league in McCourtys. 3) The running game - Sony Michel might not be a complete bust! 4) BONUS FOURTH ITEM - Mookie Betts for MVP. Pat's Recipe of the Week Banana br...

The New England Patriots play Ryan Tannehill and the Miami Dolphins at Gillette Stadium on Sunday September 30th at 1:00 PM. I get losing to Jacksonville in Jacksonville on a 114 degree day.  But Detroit?  Aww man.  RPI Graduates everywhere rejoice Cooks Power Rankings: 1) Brandin (They miss him more than I thought they would.) 2) Too Many 3) Captain 4) Regiment 5) Country Let's set the bar really low.  Here's three things I'd like to see for Sunday afternoon: 1) Something remotely resembling a ground game.  We are down to .75 functional running backs. 2) Anyone other than Gronk / James White catching the ball 3) The defense not giving up 11 yards per play. Pat's Recipe of the Week Homemade Pretzels I love this recipe.  I make as much as possible during the non-Summer months.  I might even make these during the game so I have something positive to focus on for Sunday. My prediction: Pats 14, Dolphins 56 **...

The New England Patriots play Matthew Stafford and the Detroit Lions at Ford Field on Sunday September 23rd at 8:20 PM. Gordon Power Rankings 1) Cole 2) Flash 3) Kim 4) Levitt 5) Sumner 6) (Sesame Street) 7) Lightfoot 8) Shumway 9) Emily v 10) Hayword 11) the Big Engine 12) Jump 13) Josh (Who knew there were so many Gordons!) Here's three things I'm worried about for Sunday evening: 1) The secondary - Eric Rowe isn't making me forget about Malcolm Butler any time soon.  Assuming the Lions have changed their signals by now . Stafford might be able to throw all over the place on them.  Concerns.  I have them.  2) Tom Brady - TB12 got beat up pretty good last week, didn't he?  There was no rhythm (Did I spell that right?  "Rhythm"?  That doesn't look right.) .  I'd like to see some long sustained drives. 3) Sony Michel - With Jeremy Hill out on injured reserve, the Patriots started to work first round pick Sony...

The New England Patriots play Deshaun Watson and the Houston Texans ("Texans"?  You guys still going with that name, huh?) at Gillette on Sunday September 9th at 1:00 PM. Old Business The defense was not good enough.  They didn't really improve it much in the off season.  Malcolm Butler should have played in the Super Bowl. Danny Amendola and Brandon Bolden are now Dolphins.  Did you know Brandon Bolden had been on this team since... 2012?!  I just assumed he would always be seldom seen but around forever.... like a special teams Cthulhu. New Business /checks roster //exhales audibly This draft class better turn out to be really good, or else we're boned.  And would it have killed them to add a standout wide receiver?  I could very easily see a 9 - 7 season. Chad Power Rankings:  1) -wick Boseman 2) (country) 3) hanging 4) and Jeremy 5) Johnson 6) Chad Hansen (Hey!...

The defending Super Bowl Champion New England Patriots play Carson Wentz Nick Foles and the Philadelphia Eagles at U.S. Bank Stadium in Minneapolis, Minnesota on Sunday February 4th at 6:30 PM. One way or another, this feels like this might be the last night of the dynasty.  So enjoy it while you can (although I've said that 8 or 12 times before.  We're in uncharted waters here.  So... who the heck knows?) I'm cautiously optimistic about our chances on Sunday.  But I really hope both teams have a good time. Thanks again for coming along for the ride.  It's been an entertaining season. Lot of Smooth Criminal type leaning action in the AFC Championship Game. Olivia Power Rankings: 1) (fictional pig) 2) Wilde 3) (Twelfth Night) 4) Voldaren 5) d'Abo 6) Newton-John Game balls to Trey Flowers, Stephon Gilmore and Danny Amendola for their work in the AFC Championship game victory over Jacksonville.  Great effort! Here's three th...

The defending Super Bowl Champion New England Patriots play Blake Bortles and the Jacksonville Jaguars at Gillette Stadium in the AFC Championship Game on Sunday January 21st at 3:05 PM. Frank Power Rankings: 1) Reynolds 2) -a Potente 3) Rizzo 4) Oz 5) cocktail 6) Thomas 7) -enstein 8) Drebin 9) -lin, Mass. 10) -N-Furter 11) Sinatra 12) -lin Delano Romanowski Live look at Tom Brady's hands. Is Brady's hand OK?  I'm hearing it's just a cut, not a break.  But who the heck knows?  I'm not going to freak out about it.  Nothing we can do about it at this point.  We won't know for sure until halfway through the first quarter anyway. Here's three things I'm excited about for Sunday: 1) Rob Gronkowski - Visual reminder of what a matchup nightmare the Gronk is to cover.  2) Dion Lewis - Easily the team MVP for the second half of the season. 3) Danny Amendola - You forget Amendolas on the team sometimes... and then he h...

The defending Super Bowl Champion New England Patriots play Marcus Mariota and the Buffalo Bills at Gillette Stadium in the AFC Divisional Playoff round on Saturday January 13th at 8:15 PM. I love watching Dion Lewis make tacklers miss.  I'll be sad if he's not back next year. Division Power Rankings: 1) Sub  ("I roll for coolness."  "You rolled a 1.  You have been... CAST OUT!") 2) cellular 3) Joy 4) Long 5) Bell Since the Patriots were off the last two weeks, let's take a look at the opposition: 1) Derrick Henry (Titans RB)  - That's a good baseball player name.  Sounds like a long reliever for the Cardinals. 2) Marcus Mariota (Titans QB) - How many touchdowns will he both throw AND catch ?  Nobody knows for sure. 3) Mike Mularkey (Titans coach) - I like using his last name as a curse word.  Very satisfying. My prediction: Pats 24, Titans 21 (That's if we get Tom Brady from the last month....  If Tom Brad...