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Five Things to Watch This Week - Week 3

The Patriots play their third game of the year at Gillette against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers on Sunday September 22nd at 1:00 PM.

Bluh.

I don't ever remember being 2 - 0 and feeling this lousy about my team.

The defense has looked good so far.

The offense has looked... not good.

Fortunately Tom Brady is being super patient and understanding with the young receivers and not making too big a deal out of things.


WHY MUST I BE SO HANDSOME?!

I feel bad for Brady.  I'm sure this isn't how he planned his last few years in the league.  Hopefully this offense gets better fast.  (NOTE: Also remember this man literally goes home to his supermodel wife and owns a castle with a moat.  Let's not feel too bad for him.)

It's not time to hit the PANIC BUTTON just yet.   But maybe we break out the lower your expectations button for this season.  (See that?  That's a much less threatening font.)


Stephen Power Rankings:

1) King

2) Colbert

3) Gostkowski

4) Hawking

5) Malkmus

6) Chow

7) Sondheim

8) Tobolowsky

9) Merchant


Since the offense has been such a disappointment so far this season, let's talk about the defense this week.  Here are five guys making a contribution on defense so far this year:

1) and 2) Dont'a Hightower and Chandler Jones - A critical pair of second year high draft picks.  If they can both make THE LEAP this season, this defense has a chance of being pretty good.

3) Aqib Talib - Best corner we've had in years (I DAMN THEE WITH FAINT PRAISE!).  Unfortunately, I'm guessing he's gone after this year.

4) Rob Ninkovich - Another one of those cast off gems Belichick finds.  Off to a very good start this season.

5) Tommy Kelly - Nice to finally have another big body next to Wilfork.


Did Michael Hoomanawanui have a catch last week?

No.

/sad trombone


My prediction: Pats 24, Bucs 14

My prediction (Season): 10 - 6


*****

This year, we're going to have regular contributions from Fake Bill Belichick for your reading pleasure.  Here's this week's selection from Fake Bill Belichick's third book "My Life Away From Football":


It was the offseason.  The sweatshirt was put away.  I was on a break.  But that doesn't mean I wasn't constantly looking for ways to make the team better.

Knowing we'd need some bodies at the receiver position this year, I walked into a local temp agency one day.  I described to them as best I could what I was looking for.  The woman gave me a funny look and told that wasn't really what they did there.  Apparently you can't just grab an NFL level starting wide receiver off the street.

However, she did have a crossing guard position open that she was looking to fill.

Why not? I figured.  Plus I already had my own whistle.

They gave me a vest and a stop sign.  I hold up the sign.  The cars stop.  The kids cross the street.  Simple, right?

Well, one of the kids refused to walk within the designated crossing area.  He kept coming at it diagonally.  I made him do it again and again until he got it right.  Held up traffic in both directions for a full 10 minutes.  Then I made him run a lap.

One of the parents complained.  Made a real big stink.  Apparently they frown on that kind of thing.

The crossing guard gig only lasted one day.  That's OK.  Not the first time I've been fired.

True story.

P.S. If you're reading this little Jayden... You're not going to get anywhere in life cutting corners like that.

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Olivia Power Rankings:

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Gordon Power Rankings

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Wise Power Rankings:

1) Penny

2) Ray

3) Deatrich Jr

4) Guys

5) Potato Chips


I'll say it...  I did not particularly care for the way the Dolphins played defense last week.  Bunch of cheap shot artists.

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*****

This week we have Lord Humungus filling for Fake Bill Belichick.


WELCOME TO THE WASTELAND OF WESTERN NEW YORK.

STEP CAREFULLY.  A THOUSAND YEARS OF VIOLENCE AND …