The Patriots play their first playoff game of the season at Gillette against the Houston Texans on Sunday January 13th at 4:30 PM.
You excited? I'm excited.
It's supposed to be
***fart noise***
Fictional Dad Power Rankings:
1) Frank Costanza, "Seinfeld"
2) Randy Marsh, "South Park"
3) Kirk Van Houten, "The Simpsons"
4) Professor Henry Jones, "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade"
5) Royal Tenenbaum, "The Royal Tenenbaums"
Here's five things I'll be watching for this week:
1) Stevan Ridley - Please hang on to the football... Please hang on to the football... Please hang on to the football...
2) Vince Wilfork - Just had one of his best seasons ever. I love the Big Man.
3) Rob Gronkowski - Don't forget the Patriots beat the Texans last time without Gronk. If he's anywhere close to 100%, the Texans are effed.
4) Aaron Hernandez - I'm guessing he gets a lot of touches this week, but that's just a hunch.
5) Devin McCourty - I feel much better about Devin McCourty, Safety than Devin McCourty, Cornerback.
Did Michael Hoomanawanui have a catch this week?
No.
/sad trombone
(Total number of catches for the year... 5!)
Did Donte Stallworth get a flu shot this week?
No.
My prediction: Pats 45, Texans 14
I like New England this week. A lot.
Nut up or move on.
*****
This year, we're going to have regular contributions from Fake Bill Belichick for your reading pleasure. Here's this week's selection from Fake Bill Belichick's second book "My Patriot Years":
Dropped off my car to get an oil change on the bye week. The guy at the counter asks me for my keys and what my mileage is.
His voice sounded awfully familiar. I look up... and it's Scott Pioli.
He seemed pretty depressed. Should I say anything? I'll wait until I'm checking out.
It took a pretty long time for a oil change.
BB: What do you think went wrong?
SP: At Kansas City? Well, we went 23-41 while I was there.
BB: No, I mean with my car...?
SP: Oh. I'll go ask the technician.
He comes back 3 minutes later.
SP: Needed a coolant flush.
BB: Got it.
SP: You also need a new air filter. Do you want us to do that for you?
BB: Nah, I can do that myself.
Never have the oil change place guys do your air filter. That's a huge cost savings right there if you can do that yourself.
True story.
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