Thursday Morning Third Down Back

Five Things to Watch This Week - AFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME!

2012-01-20T11:20:00.000-08:00

The Patriots play their second playoff game of the season at Gillette against the Baltimore Ravens on Sunday January 22nd at 3:00 PM.

So much for not having won a playoff game in 4 years.

If I may be allowed to turn into Tawmmy from Quinzee for a moment...

HOLY CRAP BRADY IS FACKIN' AWESOME.

Are the Patriots really as good as they looked last week? Or was Denver just that bad?

Gronk is ripped!

I'm a little worried about Baltimore. Joe Flacco is not so good. Ray Rice still scares the crap out of me. But I'm mostly concerned about how well our offensive line holds up against their defense.

Here's five guys I'll be counting on to keep Brady upright this week:

1 - 5) Matt Light, Logan Mankins, Dan Connolly, Brian Waters, Nate Solder - Brady will only be as good as these guys play upfront. When they can give him time, he's deadly. That's pretty much it.

Did Chad Ochocinco have a catch last week?

NO.

My prediction: Pats 34, Ravens 24

Stay hydrated, my friends.

*****

This year, we're going to have regular contributions from Fake Bill Belichick for your reading pleasure. Here's this week's selection from Fake Bill Belichick's "Tales From a Life in Football":

January 1987. It's the morning of the NFC Championship game. I'm the defensive coordinator for the Giants. We're about to face the Redskins. Easily the biggest game I've coached in up to this point in my career -- only one game away from the Super Bowl.

I'm going over my notes one more time after the breakfast meeting. I barely slept. I'm chugging coffee and listening to Rush's "Subdivisions" on my Walkmen ("Signals" is an underrated album). I must have been visibly nervous, because Parcells came over and sat down next to me. For some reason, the pressure never seemed to get to him

I pull my headphones off.

"Hey... What are you worried about? You're going to do great. Our defense is the best we've ever had."

"Thanks."

"You know why I'm so relaxed?"

"No, Coach."

"Women's underwear. I'm wearing a pair of silky pink panties right now. Feels great. Mark Bavaro turned me on to them!"

I didn't even know what to say. But it did get me to stop worrying about the game for 5 minutes while I tried get that image out of my head.

I have no idea where he found women's underwear in his size. And we ended up shutting out the Redskins in that game.

True story.

Five Things to Watch This Week - PLAYOFFS!

2012-01-13T09:58:00.000-08:00

The Patriots play their first playoff game of the season at Gillette against Denver Broncos on Saturday January 14th and 8:00 PM.

Unfortunately, I wasn't able to track down any information about who's playing quarterback for the Broncos on Saturday. If anyone can find this information somewhere, please let me know and I'll send it along.

Somehow Belichick whipped this team into shape and went 13 - 3. 13 -3 with a horrible, horrible defense. But the NFL has changed. It's not even the same league it was 10 years ago. Does defense even matter anymore?

I'd really like to see a deep playoff run this year. But with the recent history of this team in the playoffs, I'm keeping my expectations low.

Sterling Moore, winner of Week 17's "Wait, Who's That Guy?" award.

Here's five guys on offense I'm hoping can carry the team this week:

1) Tom Brady - I can finally bring myself to admit that Brady had a bad game against the Jets in the playoffs last year [dodges lightning bolt]. Let's move on and start writing the next chapter(s) in the glorious "History of Great Brady Playoff Wins", shall we?

2) Wes Welker - If you're not following Welker on Twitter, you're missing some great mustache talk.

3) Rob Gronkowski - He was so good this year that I'm already worried about losing him two years from now when his rookie contract is up.

4) Aaron Hernandez - Hell of year by Hernandez. He didn't get nearly the credit he deserved. He made Ocho completely unnecessary.

5) Julian Edelman - 2011 job description: PR / KR / WR / CB. He definitely earned his paycheck this year.

Did Chad Ochocinco have a catch last week?

NO.

That gives us a grand total of...

(wait for it)

...15 catches on the year for The Och. Less than one catch per week. Not great.

My prediction: Pats 45, Broncos 24

Stay hydrated, my friends.

*****

This year, we're going to have regular contributions from Fake Bill Belichick for your reading pleasure. Here's this week's selection from Fake Bill Belichick's "Tales From a Life in Football":

February '96. I'd just been canned in Cleveland. My last season there was so bad, the team picked up and moved to Baltimore.

I was lost. I didn't know what I wanted to do next. I wasn't even sure if I wanted to keep coaching.

That's when I spent a month as a commercial fisherman. I had to get away from football for a while. I caught on with a cod fishing outfit in New Bedford. I grew a mustache and gave them "Giuseppe Verdi" as a name.

Nobody bothered me. Nobody expected too much from me. It was a chance to get my head together.

First they had me on nets. Then they moved me to the count once they saw I could keep track of all that stuff in my head.

Do you know what the mortality rate of a commercial fisherman is? It's awful. But you know what's worse than that? The smell. A group of guys out on the ocean in closed quarters for days on end surrounded by decaying fish parts is brutal. The only thing that comes close on land is the mens' room after Ninkovich takes a dump (you would think Wilfork's dumps would be the worst, but you'd be wrong. Ninkovich eats all that weird ethnic stuff his mom cooks for him). And even that's not as bad as bad as the boat. The fish smell just lingers.

I couldn't handle it anymore. I cut my fishing career short after just four weeks. It was all the confirmation I needed that I should get back into football.

I made it back to dry land and called up Parcells to ask for my old job back. Making that phone call sucked. But the team went to the Super Bowl the next year. And at least I was off that goddamn boat.

Even to this day, if I'm out at a restaurant and somebody at the next table orders cod, I have to get up and leave.

True story.

...and THAT was the story I told Josh McDaniels when I called him last week to see if he wanted his old job back.

Sure, your pride took a beating, Kid. But that's temporary. Get back on board this ship. And you won't have to smell like a fisherman.

Five Things to Watch This Week - Week 16 (Game 15)

2011-12-24T05:42:00.000-08:00

The Patriots play their fifteenth game of the season at Gillette against the Miami Dolphins on Saturday December 24th at 1:00 PM.

Yay! Saturday football.

Don't look now, but the Pats are on track to have the number one seed in the AFC.

Really.

With that defense.

Really.

Aaron Hernandez makes it rain against the Broncos.

Dear Santa - I want a pass rush for Patriots this year for Christmas in these last few games. Please? What's that? We lost Andre Carter last week? Oh... OK.

Here's five guys in the secondary I'll be hoping can pick things up a bit in the next few weeks:

1) Patrick Chung - Will Chung be back this week? Maybe!

2) Devin McCourty - Is he getting slightly less terrible as the year goes on? Kinda. Not a great sophomore year for #32.

3) Kyle Arrington - Also questionable. I see a lot of "questionables" on the injury report this week. Outlook not good.

4) James Ihedigbo - I think he got hurt six times last week. Dude, just stay down.

5) Matthew Slater / Julian Edelman - The converted WRs / Special Teams guys haven't been that bad in the secondary. Seriously. But it's really not a good sign that they've been on the field with the defense so much this year. General Manager Belichick has really let down Coach Belichick with the defensive draft picks the last few years.

Did Chad Ochocinco have a catch last week?

YES.

(And a touchdown, too!)

My prediction: Pats 31, Dolphins 24

Stay hydrated, my friends.

*****

This year, we're going to have regular contributions from Fake Bill Belichick for your reading pleasure. Here's this week's selection from Fake Bill Belichick's "Tales From a Life in Football":

It's Christmas 1991. It's my first year as a head coach in Cleveland. The PR department thinks it would be a good idea for me to dress up like Santa Claus and hang out in the stadium parking lot handing out footballs to the local kids.

I reluctantly go along with it. I put the Santa suit on and head on out. I'm trying to be a good guy.

I thought they were going to just have me throwing balls to the crowd. I didn't realize until I was actually out there that they wanted to have kids sitting on my lap.

The first two kids sit on my lap and get their footballs without any problems. Then I can see the third kid is going to be trouble.

He's maybe 10 or 12. Kinda thick. He staggers over to me. There's a strong smell coming off him.

"Is that beer I smell?" I ask him. "Kid, it's 10:15 in the morning."

And then he barfs on me.

Then he looks up at me says, "Welcome to Cleveland, dick."

The beer barf goes right through the Santa suit. I'm soaked.

Ever since that day, I wear the hooded sweatshirt at all times as a protective layer.

Even to bed.

True story.

Five Things to Watch This Week - Week 15 (Game 14)

2011-12-17T15:29:00.000-08:00

The Patriots play their fourteenth game of the season against the Denver ~~Tebows~~ Broncos at Invesco Field at Mile High on Sunday December 18th at 4:15 PM.

Aaaaand we're back to 4:15 games this week. Crap.

Also... There's only three regular season games left. Crap crap.

Who had their sexual assault charges dropped this week? THIS GUY!

Anyone watch any ESPN this week? I'll recap for you:

Tebow. Tebow Tebow. Tebow Tebow Tebow Tebow Tebow Tebow.

Tebow Tebow?

Tebow Tebow Tebow Tebow Tebow Tebow Tebow Tebow Tebow Tebow Tebow Tebow Tebow Tebow Tebow Tebow.

How do you contain Tebow? He's too fast for a lineman to catch him. He's too big for a defensive back to take him down. If I'm the defensive coordinator for the Patriots this week, I want linebackers taking up space and making tackles. Linebackers everywhere. Put 5 or 6 of them out there at a time (note to self - do we even have 6 healthy linebackers at this point?).

Here's five guys from the linebacking corps I'm hoping to see step it up this week:

1) Jerod Mayo - Game saving play last week. Also, congratulations on your five year extension.

2) Dane Fletcher - Dane was poised to have a break-out year then missed a bunch of time due to a thumb injury. Hopefully he can get things back on track.

3) Gary Guyton - I like Guyton a lot, but I'm not seeing him on the field as much this year. Health issues? Coach's decision? I have no idea.

4) Rob Ninkovich - Strong season. He's had a couple of big games this year. Watch for him to set the edge on Sunday.

5) Brandon Spikes - Also recovering from injury. Not quite living up to his potential yet, but there's still time. (UPDATE: Out this week.)

Did Chad Ochocinco have a catch last week?

YES.

My prediction: Pats 35, Broncos 34

(Broncos come back from 21 points down with 2:30 left to play and fail on the 2-point conversion attempt while going for the win... Gronk and Tebow then have a dance-off at mid-field. Gronk wins and proceeds to tebag Tebow on national television...)

Stay hydrated, my friends.

*****

This year, we're going to have regular contributions from Fake Bill Belichick for your reading pleasure. Here's this week's selection from Fake Bill Belichick's "Tales From a Life in Football":

Super Bowl XXV - 1991. We had just beaten the Bills for our second title. My last year with the Giants as defensive coordinator. A nation that was heavily involved in the Gulf War looked to football for a welcome distraction. And Bill Parcells was more drunk with power than ever.

We're flying back to New York on a late night flight. The whole plane is a huge party at that point. If you can ever get yourself on a flight home with a Super Bowl winning team, I highly recommend it.

I go to the back of the plane where the most yelling is to see what's going on.

Parcells sees me and grabs me by the arm. "Belichick, you're in the next game" he barks at me.

What are they playing? Poker? Dominoes?

Nope. Russian Roulette. Seriously.

At this point, Parcells had two of his own personal Viet Cong gunmen he traveled with at all times. I'd have been shot on site if I refused.

I sit down at the table. And my turn comes up.

"Is this a good idea at thirty thousand feet?" I ask.

"Just shut up and pull the trigger!" Parcells come back with. One of the gunmen steps forward and shows his rifle.

It was 10 times scarrier than that scene in "The Deer Hunter".

I eventually get up the courage the pull the trigger. And...

* click *

Nothing. Phew.

"Hey! Another one goes wide right!" Parcells yells and slaps me on the back.

"This is nuts," I say to myself. And I got out right after that. I took the head coaching job with Cleveland. Sure, it was the Browns. But at least I was able to get away from Parcells for a few years.

True story.

Five Things to Watch This Week - Week 14 (Game 13)

2011-12-11T09:20:00.000-08:00

The Patriots play their thirteenth game of the season against the Washington Redskins at FedEx Field on Sunday December 11th at 1:00 PM.

Oh wow... That field looks like crap.

I predicted a complete and total blow-out last week... and I was way off. I can't handle watching this defense give up 500 yards every week. From now on, I'm going to turn the channel when the Pats don't have the ball. Maybe I'll watch a movie or something.

Here's five guys on offense I'm going to be watching this week:

1) Tom Brady - Brady is going to have to play out of his mind for us to do anything in the playoffs.

2) Benjarvus Green-Ellis - It's December. Time to start giving BJGE the rock.

3) Stevan Ridley - Still loving this kid. 4.8 yards per carry.

4) Chad Ochocinco - Up to 12 catches on the year now. Or, you know, about one game's worth of balls for Wes Welker.

5) Matthew Slater - And let's go with Matthew Slater. Sure. Why not?

Also, Mike Shanahan is not so good.

Did Chad Ochocinco have a catch last week?

YES.

My prediction: Pats 31, Redskins 28

Stay hydrated, my friends.

*****

This year, we're going to have regular contributions from Fake Bill Belichick for your reading pleasure. Here's this week's selection from Fake Bill Belichick's "Tales From a Life in Football":

Most people already know I'm BFFs with Jon Bon Jovi. What most people don't know about is my feud with Richie Sambora.

It definitely wasn't over a woman. They used to pass the ladies around like water in those days.

And it wasn't over money.

I won't bore you with the details... But it was over a chocolate chip cookie of all things.

Anyway, even to this day, Sambora is banned from all our facilities. He knows what he did.

True story.

Five Things to Watch This Week - Week 13 (Game 12)

2011-12-03T18:54:00.000-08:00

The Patriots play their twelfth game of the season against ~~BYE~~ the Indianapolis Colts at Gillette on Sunday December 4th at 1:00 PM.

Finally! A 1 o'clock game! This pleases me. Hopefully I can watch the whole game without having to get off the couch. That's pretty much all I want in my life these days... a little uninterrupted couch time.

Vince Young is not so good.

There's been some great battles between the Pats and Colts over the last decade... But this one isn't even going to be close. Belichick is going to unleash the dogs with bees in their mouths. He rarely misses an opportunity to rub an old rival's nose in it while they're down (see Pats vs. Redskins 10/28/07).

He's five unsung heroes of the Patriots 2011 season I'll be watching this week:

1) Aaron Hernandez - Quietly having an excellent season. He's not getting in the end zone as much as Gronk (who is?), but he's been playing pretty darn well. He's already caught as many balls as all of last season.

2) Deion Branch - Not a great receiver, but a really good fit for this team. I'll bet he wishes he never left town.

3) Julian Edelman - Considering he wasn't a lock to even make the team earlier in the year, he's definitely making his presence felt the last few weeks. He got a great shot in on Vince Young last week.

4) BenJarvus Green-Ellis - He may not always be part of the game plan, but he's been pretty consistent when called upon this year (OK, except for the Pittsburgh game. But nobody had a good game that week).

5) Rob Ninkovich - He's become a real player this season. It's been nice to watch his development.

Did Chad Ochocinco have a catch last week?

NO.

My prediction: Pats 52, Colts 7

Stay hydrated, my friends.

*****

This year, we're going to have regular contributions from Fake Bill Belichick for your reading pleasure. Here's this week's selection from Fake Bill Belichick's "Tales From a Life in Football":

It's January 2004. Playoffs. We're about to face Indy at home. Manning is absolutely on fire. I think he ended up being co-MVP that year. And I'm feeling more confident in my team than I've ever felt in my whole career. I just knew we had it that year.

I skipped the Friday night coaches' meeting and went out to see "THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE RETURN OF THE KING". That Viggo Mortensen is something special. If you didn't like him in "A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE", we can't be friends.

Anyway, we won that game 24 to 14, but it wasn't even that close. Ty ended up picking off Manning 3 times that game.

True story.

Five Things to Watch This Week - Week 12 (Game 11)

2011-11-26T15:57:00.000-08:00

The Patriots play their eleventh game of the season against the Philadelphia Eagles at Lincoln Financial Field on Sunday November 27th at 4:15 PM.

Sorry about the delay. We were off having another kid. So far the Patriots are 2 and 0 since Kid #2 got here. He actually slept on my tummy while we watched the Pats - Jets game in the hospital. THAT'S GREAT NAPPING.

Jazz hands!

Have you seen the schedule the rest of the year? Oh man, that's soft. Lots of lousy teams and backup quarterbacks. We're going to win 12 or 13 games. And, of course, none of it matters if we go one and out again in the playoffs. *deep breath - composes self* Moving on...

He's five guys I'll watching closely this week:

1) Tom Brady - Brady has been getting off to sloooow starts the last few weeks. He's looked great in the second half, but lousy at the beginning of these games. I hope he's not hurt.

2) Rob Gronkowski - GRONK HANG ON TO BALL EVEN WHILE FALL ON HEAD. GRONK NO DROP SURE TOUCHDOWNS LIKE DANIEL GRAHAM.

(What do you think? Too close to Roethlisberger? I'll keep working on it.)

3) Vince Wilfork - They're playing Big Vince an awful lot this year. He's going to get hurt down the stretch. I'd like to see him get some rest.

4) Kyle Arrington - Arrington has gone from barely being on an NFL roster to leading the league in INTs this year. Not bad at all.

5) Shane Vereen - Was that Shane Vereen I saw running into the endzone for a garbage time TD last week? Welcome to the active game day roster, Shane! (Note that this in no way affects my Stevan Ridley man-crush.)

Did Chad Ochocinco have a catch last week?

NO.

(But to his credit, he did have two the week before.)

My prediction: Pats 31, Eagles 20

Stay hydrated, my friends.

*****

This year, we're going to have regular contributions from Fake Bill Belichick for your reading pleasure. Here's this week's selection from Fake Bill Belichick's "Tales From a Life in Football":

November 2009. It's the Monday before Thanksgiving and I'm having an extra film session day with some of the rookies who are struggling.

Ron Brace asks if he can go to the bathroom. Sure, I tell him. Make it quick.

We finish up 45 minutes later and Brace still hasn't returned. I dismiss everyone and tell them I've got a surprise waiting for them in the dining area.

I had ordered a catered Thanksgiving spread for the group. Turkey. Biscuits. Gravy. Pie. Everything.

We walk down the hall and find Brace covered in skin and bones. Long story short, he had eaten the whole 24 pound turkey before the rest of the team got there.

He must have smelled the meal wandered off after his bathroom break.

"Come on," I tell them. "Everybody get in your cars and follow me."

And I took them out for Chinese food.

I should have cut Brace right there on the spot.

Five Things to Watch This Week - Week 9 (Game 8)

2011-11-04T11:35:00.000-07:00

The Patriots play their eighth (is that really how you spell "8th"? Something doesn't look right...) game of the season against the New York Giants at Gillette Stadium on Sunday November 6th at 4:15 PM.

Rough week last week, Guys. After the game I put on my Belichick pajamas, crawled into bed and cried myself to sleep.

I felt a little better when I woke up Monday morning. We're still 5 and 2. All is not lost.

This doesn't look like a Super Bowl defense, but nobody else out there really scares me right now. Nobody is running away with the AFC at this point.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that things are still wide open. It's only November.

I know, Bill. I couldn't watch, either.

Did Chad Ochocinco have a catch last week?

NO.

There's been a number of disappointments on this team this year. Here's five guys I'm hoping to see do something on the field this week:

1) Chad Ochocinco - My expectations were low when we traded for Chad... But not this low.

2) Taylor Price - Always looks great in the pre-season. Then we never see him again once the games count.

3) Danny Woodhead - Not getting the reps this year. And that's not going to get any better with K-Faulk back on the active roster.

4) Julian Edelman - You've got to smarten up there with the off the field incidents. That's a good way to get youself cut.

5) Albert Haynesworth - How does a 360 pound guy make himself invisible?

Is this the week the Patriots offense gets back to putting 30 on the board? Probably not.

My prediction: Pats 27, Giants 17

Stay hydrated, my friends.

*****

This year, we're going to have regular contributions from Fake Bill Belichick for your reading pleasure. Here's this week's selection from Fake Bill Belichick's "Tales From a Life in Football":

So it's 1985 and I'm the DC for the Giants. It's the first week of the season. We're playing the Eagles. And Lawrence Taylor shows up to the film session on Monday morning with a 13 year-old Thai hooker.

So I pull him aside and say "Uh, Lawrence, we've got a big game against a divisional opponent this week and I want you to be focused. I don't think your friend needs to be here for this."

He pauses for a second and looks at me. Then he says to me "Coach, this isn't my friend... I MARRIED this bitch last night."

I let one of the interns run the rest of the film session and make a few quick phone calls and manage to get the marriage annulled.

Somehow, Parcells managed to keep all this out of the papers. And we shut out the Eagles that week.

True story.

Five Things to Watch This Week - Week 8 (Game 7)

2011-10-28T08:12:00.000-07:00

The Patriots play their seventh game of the season against the Steelers at Heinz Field on Sunday October 30th at 4:15 PM.

Impressive win over the Cowboys two weeks ago. I didn't think they had a chance of pulling that one out.

I also listed 5 guys (mmm... Five Guys... ) who had a chance of picking off Romo in that game. And the correct answer was... Kyle Arrington. Nailed it.

NEW FEATURE -- Did Chad Ochocinco have a catch last week?

NO.

Chad Ochocinco with one of his many, many catches this season.

Here's five things I'll be watching for this week:

1) Tom Brady - Brady has traditionally shredded the Pittsburgh defense. They don't mix things up much. If you do the same thing over and over again, #12 will kill you.

2) Rob Gronkowski - Even on the bye week, Gronk totally scored. I've got him on my fantasy football team. I should get points for that, no?

3) New England Pass Defense - Let's be optimists here and list them as "improving". Stay positive, people.

4) Pittsburgh Pass Defense - Statiscally pretty good. But so far they've played such offensive juggernauts as Seattle, Indianapolis, Arizona and Jacksonville. I'm not too worried.

5) Kyle Arrington - I listed Kyle as "inconsistent" before the last game. Then he went and had 11 tackles and a pick. Hopefully he's about to get hot.

Also... I love the KSK guys's take on Roethlisberger. I assume this is what he actually sounds like in real life:

THE BEN NO WANT COMPLAIN AND BE ROTTEN EGGMAN BUT THE BEN TAKE LOTTO HITS THIS SEASON. SO MANY OWIESPOTS THAT BEN DON’T KNOW WHERE OWIE END AND BEN BEGIN. IT BAD. VERY BAD. HAVE NO TIME IN POCKET FOR MANY PUMP FAKE, RUN AROUND IN CIRCLE THEN THROW BALL AT SAME TIME BEN IS FALLING TO GROUND.

My prediction: Pats 35, Steelers 24

Stay hydrated, my friends.

*****

This year, we're going to have regular contributions from Fake Bill Belichick for your reading pleasure. Here's this week's selection from Fake Bill Belichick's "Tales From a Life in Football":

I'm out with Romeo again the night before a game in Atlanta. He says he knows a place to hang out about 15 miles outside of town.

We go rent this giant Chrysler and head down the highway. You could have fit like 20 people in this thing. It was huge.

We finally get out there... and it's just this... shack. In a field. In the middle of nowhere.

Romeo gets out of the car and goes bang, bang, bang on the door.

"Knock a little louder" I tell him.

And it turns out... Nobody was there that night. They must have been closed. We ended up just going back to the hotel and getting blitzed.

Unfortunately, I can't seem to remember what they called the place... But I'll never forget that tin roof.

True story.

Five Things to Watch This Week - Week 6 (Game 6)

2011-10-13T10:50:00.000-07:00

The Patriots play their sixth game of the season against the Cowboys at Gillette Stadium on Sunday October 16th at 4:15 PM.

First - I would be remiss without mentioning BenJarvus Green-Ellis. He had a hell of a game last week.

What's going on in this picture? Why is Brady 11 feet tall?

Second - Was the defense better last week? Or were the Jets just lousy? Either way, I'll take it. Holding the Jets to 3 for 11 on third down? Niiiice.

Third - These 4:15 games are killing me. My kid usually naps from 12:30 to 3:00-ish on the weekends. If it's a 1:00 o'clock game, I can get 2/3rds of that game in without also having to tend to parenting duties. By 4:15, he's up and wants to watch "Scooby Doo" and "Phineas and Ferb". "Sorry Buddy... Daddy gets to watch his show right now."

Here's five guys I think could pick off Tony Romo this week:

1) Devin McCourty - He's leading the team in tackles. He looked somewhat better last week. And he saved a touchdown on that long kick-off return by McKnight. But the INTs just haven't been there yet this year.

2) Kyle Arrington - Inconsistent in coverage. Has been good on the corner blitzes.

3) Ras-I Dowling - Has he been hurt? Or are they just bringing him along slowly? Probably both.

4) Leigh Bodden - He's been somewhat limited with a groin injury [ed. note - ow]. This will most likely be his last year with the team if he can't stay healthy.

5) Vince Wilfork - The honorary 5th corner. I can't wait to watch him find the endzone someday. Is there anything better than a 350 pound man running with the football? I say no.

My prediction: Pats 31, Cowboys 27

Stay hydrated, my friends.

*****

This year, we're going to have regular contributions from Fake Bill Belichick for your reading pleasure. Here's this week's selection from Fake Bill Belichick's "Tales From a Life in Football":

So it's the summer of '84. I'm a rising star on the Giants coaching staff. And I'm sitting at a table in the back of the bar with Romeo Crennel knocking back a few beers. You know. Blowing off a little steam before training camp starts.

And there's this dude with the craziest hair I've ever seen hanging on to every word at the next table. He comes over and starts asking all these questions.

Now, I've had a few. So I'm opening up a bit more than usual. And I can tell this guy had no idea who I was and had never watched a football game in his life.

"So your boss is a real ball buster, huh?"

"Yeah, he's a world class prick."

And suddenly, wouldn't you know it, Parcells busts in the room and comes over to our table.

"Hey boys! What are you drinking? I'll buy the next round."

"We're drinking Heinekens, Coach."

"Heineken? Fuck that foreign shit! Pabst Blue Ribbon is what you'll drink tonight!"

Dude with the Weird Hair is horrified and quickly picks up on the fact that this is the guy we've been talking about. Then he made the mistake of making eye contact with Bill.

"Don't you fucking look at me!" Parcells shoots back.

Anyway, it turns out Dude with the Weird Hair was David Lynch. For all I know, that encounter gave him the idea for the Frank Booth character in Blue Velvet.

True story.

(And remind me to tell you about the weekend I spent in Nantucket with Isabella Rossellini. Let's just say I've rewatched the game tape of that one a few times.)

Five Things to Watch This Week - Week 5 (Game 5)

2011-10-07T06:18:00.000-07:00

The Patriots play their fifth game of the season against the Jets at Gillette Stadium on Sunday October 9th at 4:15 PM.

I don't know how to put this, but... the defense... is not good. After all this talk about improved quarterback pressure, revamped defensive lines and 3 - 4 vs. 4 - 3, we still can't get off the field when we have to. This doesn't have the look of a team that looks like it's built to go deep into the playoffs right now. I keep reminding myself that it's early. There's still time.

The only bright spot the last few weeks was the emergence of Stevan Ridley. Hot damn, he's fast. I can't ever remember the Pats having a burner like that in the backfield.

Moving on to this week - I'm not as worried about the Jets as I was at the beginning of the year. Sanchez seems to have taken a step back.

(Now watch him throw for 425 yards this week. Ugh.)

Cover up that ball.

Let's take a look at the leaders of the franchise. Here's five things I'll be watching for this week:

1) Tom Brady - That 4 INT game at Buffalo was UGLY. There's no way we're good enough to win games like that. Some semblance of a running game would only help him down the stretch.

2) Vince Wilfork - Vince is an INTERCEPTION MACHINE. I say we move him to safety. Or maybe even mix him in a bit at tight end with hands like that.

3) Wes Welker - He's on track to catch roughly 2300 balls this year. He's also finding the endzone a lot more this year. I like it. They better resign him after this season. ***shakes fist at sky***

4) Jerod Mayo - He's going to be out how long? A month? Yikes. This defense can't afford to get any worse.

5) Logan Mankins - I'm glad he's locked up long term. He's a difference maker, even if he's good for 4 or 5 unsportsmanlike conduct penalties a year.

YouTube Video of the Week: Holy crap, that's the best fake punt return play I've ever seen.

My prediction: Pats 34, Jets 21

Stay hydrated, my friends.

*****

This year, we're going to have regular contributions from Fake Bill Belichick for your reading pleasure. Here's this week's selection from Fake Bill Belichick's "Tales From a Life in Football":

By 1977, I was with the Detroit Lions. (Lots of good stuff coming out of Detroit at the time... Bob Seger, Ted Nugent, Grand Funk Railroad). They had me on special teams, receivers, tight ends. A little bit of everything. And we sucked.

Remember, this was Detroit in the 70s. It was pretty bad. Some of the guys that were trying out for the team were from the area. If they didn't make the team, they'd be back on the assembly line putting dashboards in Chevy Impalas the next day.

I had to cut one of these guys the second day of training camp. He just sucked. I tried to put it to him gently, but it didn't go over well. Instead of handing me his playbook, he throws it against the wall and walks out.

I head out to the parking lot that night... And he's actually waiting for me by my car. He sees me coming and he pulls a knife on me. "You wanna cut me, Coach? I'll show you what it feels like to get cut."

I assess the situation. You know, mentally "pause the tape" so to speak. And I realize he's holding the knife way out to the side like a total amatuer. Now keep in mind that, at this point, I'm only a few years away from my college lacrosse days. I'm still pretty quick on my feet. So I turn my shoulder, lean in to him and drive him back six feet into a concrete post. Ended up breaking two of his ribs.

Anyway, I gave him $20 out of my wallet and a ride to the emergency room.

True story.

Five Things to Watch This Week - Week 3 (Game 3)

2011-09-23T11:47:00.000-07:00

The Patriots play their third game of the season on the road at The Ralph on Sunday September 25th at 1:00 PM

First up - It's the 10 year anniversary Mo Lewis taking out Drew Bledsoe.

*pauses for moment of silence*

Just think about how differently things might have gone if Brady never made it on the field that season. Scary. Don't get me wrong... I love Drew. And I appreciate that without Parcells, Bledsoe and Kraft coming along when they did, the team was probably gone. But we definitely don't go on that run with Drew under center. And I think maybe twice in the last ten years I've yelled "GET RID OF THE BALL!" at the TV with Number 12 out there. With Drew it was 3 - 4 times per quarter.

Pats vs. Chargers. It's probably for the best that Vince didn't make it to the end zone off the interception last week. I probably would have broken my hand on the ceiling after jumping off the couch.

Go, Vince, go!

I always thought evaluating draft picks right after the draft was stupid. Who the hell knows what kind of NFL players these guys are going to be? Mel Kiper is fun to watch, but he doesn't really know shit (and supposedly you can buy praise from him for one of your players if you're an agent. Scandalous!)

Having said that, let's go back at look at one of the better New England drafts in recent memory: 2010.

Here's five things I'll be watching for this week:

1) Devin McCourty - Great rookie year. Off to a not great start this year. But the future looks bright.

2) Rob Gronkowski - I love love love Gronk. I took him about 3 rounds too early in my fantasy draft. I stand by my decision.

3) Jermaine Cunningham / Brandon Spikes - The linebackers is where that draft gets a little squishy. I'm still expecting more from Cunningham and Spikes. So far the only notable contribution has been Spikes's sex tape.

4) Aaron Hernandez - Get well soon. I've heard 1 - 2 weeks on the knee injury. I've also heard 4 - 6. Those bigger numbers scare me a bit.

5) Zoltan Mesko - I just like saying "Zoltan". Oh, and he's pretty good, too. He's also on the "Get well soon" list. I'm going to have to hit the Hallmark store this weekend.

EXTRA BONUS 6TH ITEM! Dane Fletcher (undrafted free agent) - He seems to be getting on the field an awful lot this year and taking playing time away from guys drafted much higher than him. I like it. Good for him.

I'm honestly worried about the Bills this week. We've beat them 15 times in a row. That can't keep up forever, right? This is going to be a shootout.

My prediction: Pats 45, Bills 42

Stay hydrated, my friends.

YouTube Video of the Week: New York Giants working on their soccer audition highlight reels.

*****

This year, we're going to have regular contributions from Fake Bill Belichick for your reading pleasure. Here's this week's selection from Fake Bill Belichick's "Tales From a Life in Football":

Ok... Last Baltimore Colts story for a while. It's still Fall of '75. I'm rocking out to Rush's "Bastille Day" on my 8-track.

I told you about Marchibroda's drinking problem how I was supposed to be keeping the liquor cabinet fully stocked.

Well, the Offensive Coordinator takes me aside one day and explains to me that you've got to let him run out by Friday afternoon if you want him sober enough to coach the game by Sunday. So I've got to spend all day Saturday ducking the coach so he doesn't send me on a liquor store run (keep in mind nothing was open on Sundays back then).

I'm in the OCs office for a meeting on Saturday morning and we hear the Coach stumbling down the hall. He's yelling for me.

The OC turns to me and says "Quick, get in the closet."

"Seriously?"

"Yes! Go! Take this and make it disappear."

He hands me the bottle of Canadian Club from his desk drawer.

So I hide in the closet and finish the bottle real quick. Needless to say, I had an unbelievable headache for game day. It didn't occur to me until later that I could have just dumped it out.

True story.

Five Things to Watch This Week - Week 2 (Game 2)

2011-09-16T13:25:00.000-07:00

The Patriots play their first home game of the season at Gillette Stadium on Sunday September 18th at 4:15 PM.

HOMEWORK CHECK: Did everyone watch "Bill Belichick: A Football Life" last night? Good. Don't forget to watch part 2 next week.

It's a little early, but let's take a look at the 2011 draft picks. Here's five things I'll be watching for this week:

1) Nate Solder - I thought he played great on Monday night. Beast-like, even. I assumed this was going to be a "draft him now and play him later" kinda thing with this guy, but it looks like he's ready now.

2) Ras-I Dowling - I recently suggested "Ras-I" to my wife a possible baby name. And surprisingly, she was against it.

3) Marcus Cannon - Don't expect to see him this year, but he should be great when he comes back from... *checks medical report*... non-Hodgkin lymphoma. Yikes. Look for this guy NEXT year. (These are the kinds of things you can do when you're coming off a 14 - 2 season... You can draft a guy who probably won't play for you right away...)

4) Stevan Ridley - GREAT pre-season. Is he going to see the field at some point? I sure hope so.

5) Ryan Mallett - Speaking of guys who won't play for you right away... This guy could be the future of the Patriots at QB. I really hope we don't have to find out before 2016 or so.

My prediction: Pats 38, Chargers 27

Stay hydrated, my friends.

And for no reason Abe Lincoln, Trick Shot QB.

*****

This year, we're going to have regular contributions from Fake Bill Belichick for your reading pleasure. Here's this week's selection from Fake Bill Belichick's "Tales From a Life in Football":

It's still Baltimore. Still 1975. Second week of the season. (A friend of mine had just handed me a copy of Journey's first album. Even then I knew they were going to be big...)

Marchibroda brings me into his office. "Belichick! Good job on keeping the liquor cabinet stocked."

"Thanks, Coach." At this point, I'm just surprised he remembers my name.

"I've got another job for. I want you to go find #36 and tell him he's done. Have him clean out his locker and turn in his playbook. You think you can handle that?"

"Sure thing, Coach."

I knew what needed to be done. And I acted like it bothered me. But it didn't. If these guys weren't meant to play football, it's better they find out sooner rather than later and get on with the rest of their lives.

And the guy we cut that day was none other than Howard "Bunny" Colvin.

True story.

Five Things to Watch This Week - Week 1 (Game 1)

2011-09-12T12:29:00.000-07:00

The Patriots play their first regular season game at ~~Joe Robbie Stadium~~ ~~Pro Player Park~~ ~~Pro Player Stadium~~ ~~Dolphins Stadium~~ ~~Land Shark Stadium~~ Sun Life Stadium against the Miami Dolphins on Monday, September 12th at 7:00 PM.

Just a reminder... The Dolphins could have had Drew Brees and chose Daunte Culpepper instead.

*** long pause ***

Bwah ha ha ha ha ha!

That story kills me.

I love 7:00 PM Monday Night Football. All Monday night games should start this early (Suck it, West Coasties!).

(Albert approves of the earlier Monday night start time)

There's a whole bunch of new faces this year. Let's start with the new guys. Here's five things I'll be watching for this week:

1) Chad Ochocinco - I'll be honest with you... I'm not feeling great about what I've seen in the preseason so far. He looked lost at times. Could he end up thriving in this offense? Maybe. But I'm afraid this could be another Joey Gaolloway situation.

2) Albert Haynesworth - Look, he's not likely to win any "great guy" awards. But the Patriots got him on the cheap. And Belichick excels at giving guys a chance to redeem themselves and turn their careers around (see: Moss, Randy).

3) Shaun Ellis - I think we paid a little too much for a guy in his 12th year, but it's not my money. Hopefully he's still got something left in the tank.

4) Andre Carter - He's looked great in preseason. I'm really quite enamored by the revamped defensive line. The third down defense should be greatly improved.

5) Mark Anderson - He's also looked great in preseason. Hopefully he'll be a better, more consistent version of Tully Banta-Cain.

Other thoughts from around the league:

1) The Steelers looked like they hadn't even met each other before yesterday. There's going to be a lot of that going around this year early on. Not having an offseason will do that. This problem should get better as the year goes on for most teams...

2) ...except for the Colts. They're going to suck all year. Schadenfreude-gasm! The Colts have been in decline for a while. Having the 2nd best QB of all time will cover up for a lot of drafting mistakes. (Also, this: Polian scouted Stanford QB Andrew Luck on Saturday)

3) I saw actual signs of life from the Washington Redskins yesterday. Who knew?

4) I went to bed with the Cowboys comfortably ahead last night assuming the Patriots were already going to be half a game up this morning. That's what I get for trusting Romo. UPDATE: This one is even better.

My prediction: Pats 28, Dolphins 17

*****

This year, we're going to have regular contributions from Fake Bill Belichick for your reading pleasure. Here's this week's selection from Fake Bill Belichick's "Tales From a Life in Football":

It's 1975 and the Baltimore Colts are paying me $25 week. (Springsteen's "Born to Run" had just come out. Great album.) I'm watching film. Getting people coffee. Picking people up at the airport. You name it. Whatever they need me to do. I'm just a sponge at this point. I'm trying to absorb everything I can.

One day, Coach Marchibroda pulls me into his office. And he says to me, "Belichick! You're here all the time. You got a social life? You got any lady friends?"

And I reply "Not right now, sir. I'm trying to make a career for myself."

"Well, you're not going to impress the ladies coaching defense. Broads like touchdowns."

"I'll take that under advisement, sir."

"Also, get you ass down to the liquor store. Don't ever let me run out of vodka again."

Huge lush, Coach Marchibroda.

And we even made the playoffs that year.

True story.

Hey Hey Hey!

2011-07-28T10:15:00.000-07:00

Welcome back!

After a full off-season of "When is my team going to make a big move?", Adam Schefter tweets:

"Filed to ESPN: Washington traded DT Albert Haynesworth to the New England Patriots for a fifth-round pick in 2013. "

My first reaction was... WHA?!

Not a great guy, sure.

But here's the thing though... What if this actually works out? What if he shows up and plays?

A fifth round pick in 2013 isn't much to give up. And d-line is already a source of strength for the Patriots. So if he acts up, he's gone.

I'm sure conditioning is going to be a problem. I can't imagine he kept himself in great shape during the lockout.

Belichick is totally in the "Eff you, I'm Keith Hernandez" zone.

Plus this trade gives me the excuse to run this video all season:

Five Things to Watch This Week - Divisional Playoff Round

2011-01-14T11:52:00.000-08:00

The Patriots play their first playoff game against the Jets at Gillette on Sunday, January 16th at 4:30 PM.

I'm so ready for this game. This is the playoffs, people (PLAYOFFS?!). Let's all act like we've been here before.

Did anyone actually watch the Jets - Colts game last week? The Jets may have won, but Mark Sanchez looked GAWD AWFUL. How deep can you really go in the playoffs with a guy like that?

But you know what does scare me just a little? The Jets running game. We are thin thin thin along the defensive line. If I was Rex Ryan... I would be into feet. But I would also steal the Week 15 game plan from the Green Bay Packers and run the ball 120 times. They came into Foxboro and ran the ball all over us.

The other item from this week that everyone is flipping out about is Antonio Cromartie is blasting Tom Brady. Really? This is news? This is the same guy that can't remember all his kids' names (unless one of his daughters is actually named "Daughter")

Here's five things I'll be watching for this week. Let's go with the 5 team MVPs this season

1) Tom Brady - Statistically, one of the best years ever by a QB. I think Brady is ready to release the hounds this week. As long as they get him the ball back, he's going to put up points.

2) Devin McCourty - Seven interceptions and a trip to the Pro Bowl? Not bad for a guy everyone thought was a reach in the first round and was going to be a special teamer / nickelback guy at best. Even if he doesn't win Defensive Rookie of the Year, he was still a fantastic pick.

3) Vince Wilfork - In a year with a lot of turnover on the defensive line, Wilfork has been the rock.

4) Jarod Mayo - Glad to see this guy back at 100%. He was a beast this year.

5) Wes Welker - If it wasn't for Michael Vick, he'd be a sure bet for comeback player of the year. A shoe-in even. (I could have gone with Rob Gronkowski here, but going with Welker allows me to link to this: Wes Welker Makes 11 References To Feet In One Press Conference)

My prediction: Pats 35, Jets 24

OTHER PLAYOFF PREDICTIONS: I'm picking all four home teams this weekend. But since I went 0 - 4 last weekend, you may want take any gambling advice from me with a fairly large grain of salt.

Now... Let's go eat a goddamn snack.

Five Things to Watch This Week (and Next Week) - Weeks 16 and 17 (Games 15 and 16)

2010-12-22T13:12:00.000-08:00

The Patriots play their fifteenth regular season game on the road at The Ralph on Sunday December 26th at 1:00 PM and their final regular season game at home on Sunday January 2nd at 1:00 PM.

Another great week of Patriots football... Just like I called it!

Actually, the Packers played a really good game and exploited our weaknesses. We were short on d-line help, and they went after that. That was one of the better coaching jobs we've faced all year.

But let's stay positive. We're moving on. We did just put up 31 points on the "best scoring defense" in football. So there's that.

1) Devin McCourty - McCourty for defensive rookie of the year. He's a big part of the reason why the defense has been as good as it is. And he should be even better next year.

2) Dan Connolly - Can we make him the permanent kick-off return guy? That was awesome.

3) Jerod Mayo - 181 tackles so far? He's a beast.

4) Wes Welker - 83 catches on the year. Not bad for a guy who I thought might never see the field again after last year's knee injury.

5) Tom Brady - Seriously, I'll pissed if he doesn't get the league MVP vote. It wasn't pretty last week, but he put a good drive together at the end when they needed the TD.

My prediction (game 15):

Pats 31, Bills 13

My prediction (game 16):

Pats 27, Dolphins 17

Now... Let's go make a goddamn foot fetish video.

Five Things to Watch This Week - Week 15 (Game 14)

2010-12-17T11:47:00.000-08:00

The Patriots play their fourteenth regular season game against the Packers at Gillette on Sunday, December 19th at 8:20 PM.

I apologize. I was waaay off last week. I predicted the Pats would win 20 to 14. I really thought the elements would be more of a factor. I thought the Bears would, you know, show up. I'm very happy to report that I was wrong on all accounts.

Six weeks ago I was talking with my buddy KC Masterpiece trying to figure out what was wrong with Brady (mechanics? head not in the game? bad haircut?). The Pats had just got theyselves blowed out at Cleveland.    Things have turned out OK since then, huh?. They've beaten the absolute iron of the NFL. And they're not just winning. They're CRUSHING teams.

How will the Patriots ever score with Randy Moss?! Yeah, that one somehow worked out OK, too.

You know what? I'm calling my shot right now. I don't think they're going to lose again this year. Not the way they're playing right now. Not to turn into one of "Da Bears" guys ("What about Belichick? Would he be mini, too?" "No, he would be full-grown."), but I'm pretty sure we're unstoppable at this point.

You know who else must read my little newsletter? Steelers defensive coordinator Dick LeBeau:

     "To do what Brady did in those weather conditions in Chicago? That might be one of the most outstanding quarterback performances — ever."

BEST QUARTERBACK EVER.

Here's five things I'll be watching for this week.

1) Tom Brady - Another week, another great QB for Brady to face. So far this season, he's beaten Brett Favre, Peyton Manning, Philip Rivers and Ben Roethlisberger. This week, Tom goes up against... Matt Flynn?! Who? That can't be right.

2) Aarob Gronknandez - I've combined Rob Gronkowski and Aaron Hernandez into one player for easier reference (and I swear I wrote this joke down before seeing something similar in Simmons column this week). Don Banks of SI thinks they each would go in the first round if we held the draft again today.    Hell of a draft.

3) BenJarvus Green-Ellis - Benny is looking strong. Over 4 yards a carry in the snow last week. I love watching him hit the hole.

4) Gary Guyton - Guyton got some extra snaps last week with Brandon Spikes on suspenders, and what does he do? Fumble recovery for a touchdown. And an INT off of Mr. Cutler. Not bad for another undrafted guy.

5) Singing Dogs - If this game ends up being a blowout by halftime, you have my permission to go to bed early. Or get in the holiday spirit by watching dogs singing Christmas tunes. Even Hoth Belichick approves.

My prediction (if Rodgers plays):

Pats 42, Packers 10

My prediction (if Rodgers doesn't play):

Pats 42, Packers 7

Now... Let's go eat a goddamn snack.

Anybody want a holiday mailbag column next week?

Five Things to Watch This Week - Week 14 (Game 13)

2010-12-10T13:19:00.000-08:00

The Patriots play their thirteenth regular season game on the road at Soldier Field on Sunday December 12th at 4:15 PM.

Hey! Wake up, readers! There's another game this week. Between all the Red Sox hysteria and afterglow from the Jets victory, it's a little too easy to forget that the Pats have to play again this Sunday.

Ho hum. Another AFC Offensive Player of the Week award for #12. Tom Brady has been getting an awful lot of love from me lately, so we'll give him a break this week. If he's not the league MVP, I'll be super pissed. This week I'll let Dan Wetzel make the case for me.

According to the Football Outsiders guys, the 2010 Patriots are so good offensively:

(T)hey are now close to surpassing their 2007 selves for the title of "greatest offense in DVOA history"

(Don't worry... "DVOA" isn't a dirty porn thing or anything like that...)

OK. Enough about the offense. Let's give the defense some love this week. It hasn't always been pretty, but they're getting it done.

Here's five things I'll be watching for this week.

1) Jermaine Cunningham - He's keeps just missing the big sack. Last week Sanchez totally facemasked him. What a fraud!

2) Devin McCourty - This week, he'll be challenged by... Um... Who do the Bears have at WR?

3) Patrick Chung - He's due for a big week. Secretly, I think his knee still hurts and they're just not telling us.

4) James Sanders - One of the few seasoned veterans in the secondary. Plays smart. Had they pick of the year against Pey Pey.

5) Vince Wilfork - I like when he has two guys blocking him and still makes the tackle. Is he awesome? My sources tell me... YES.

One player not to watch this week is Brandon Spikes, who has reportedly been suspended four games. Dumbass.

My prediction: Pats 20, Bears 14

Five Things to Watch This Week - Week 13 (Game 12)

2010-12-06T13:09:00.000-08:00

The Patriots play their twelfth regular season game at Gillette on Monday, December 6th at 8:30 PM.

In honor of the Patriots playing on Monday Night Football this week, we've brought in special guest columnist Jon Gruden.

Thanks Pat! Doesn't it seem like we've been waiting for this game FOR-EV-ERRR? I know I've been looking forward to it. I woke up at 4:00 AM this morning, I'm so excited for this game. My wife made me go downstairs. I like to pop in my DVD of "The Incredibles" when I get this excited. It helps calm me down. I really like that Syndrome guy.

Here's five things I'll be watching for this week.

1) Tom Brady - You want to talk about a guy having an MVP caliber season? WATCH THIS GUY RIGHT HERE. The Patriots are only going to go as far as Number 12 takes them, and right now his back is looking pretty strong. Can he pick up the blitz and get rid of the ball against the best defenses in the NFL? YOU BET HE CAN!

2) Wes Welker - This guy is a beast. He just had knee surgery! He's got 65 catches! Comeback player of the year? WATCH THIS GUY RIGHT HERE.

3) Deion Branch - You want to talk about a guy who never should have left Tom Brady and the Patriots? WATCH THIS GUY RIGHT HERE. He's perfect for this offense. Why did he talk his way into a trade? I don't know!

4) Jerod Mayo - You want to talk about a guy having a monster season and yet still flying under the radar? WATCH THIS GUY RIGHT HERE. He's on pace for 200 tackles! We should be talking about him a lot more.

5) Devin McCourty - You want to talk about a guy having a rookie of the year kinda year? WATCH THIS GUY RIGHT HERE. Speedy? Definitely. Knack for the ball and making the big play? You know it!

My prediction: Pats 31, Jets 13

Now... Let's go eat a goddamn snack.

Five Things to Watch This Week - Week 12 (Game 11)

2010-11-24T07:57:00.000-08:00

The Patriots play their eleventh regular season game on the road against the Detroit Lions on Thursday November 25th at 12:30 PM.

I'm feeling pretty thankful this year. We're 8 and 2. How are we 8 and 2?! Holy crap. I'll take it.

Last week was great. I've still got a buzz from that win. Sweet, sweet Manning tears.

Here's five things I'm thankful for this year:

1) Tom Brady - The Best Quarterback we've ever had.

2) Bill Belichick - The Best Coach we've ever had. Maybe the best coach ever. You think I'm being a little generous in my praise? Brady and Belichick are 119 and 36 together. Bill Walsh and Joe Montana were 114 and 44. So... yeah... They're really THAT good.

3) A Surprisingly Frisky Running Game - I've been on board the BenJarvus Green-Ellis train as long as I can remember. And I can't tell you how many times I shouted "Woodhead!" last week (some of them were even while watching the game). That TD immediately followed by a special teams tackle on the kick-off was awesome.

4) A Fast Young Defense - Don't worry about yards, people. Yards aren't points. Making a big play and getting off the field is huge. Hopefully we can keep this up down the stretch.

5) Vince Wilfork - I love love love me some #75. Can you imagine how awesome the Thanksgiving feast must be in the Wilfork house? Guh.

BONUS LIST!

Thanksgiving Dessert Power Rankings:

1) Pecan Pie

2) Apple Pie

3) Brownies

4) Chocolate Chip Cookies

5) Whipped Cream (straight off the spoon)

Guess who's got two thumbs and making a pecan pie Wednesday night? THIS GUY!

My prediction: Pats 35, Lions 31

Now... Let's go eat a goddamn feast.

Five Things to Watch This Week - Week 11 (Game 10)

2010-11-19T13:27:00.000-08:00

The Patriots play their tenth regular season game at Gillette against the Indianapolis Colts Sunday November 21st at 4:15 PM.

"Hey Dad! What was it like watching Tom Brady?"

"He was awesome. Just awesome. Smart. Accurate. He was so cool and steady in the big games. He was a joy to watch."

Football is a team sport. It's more than just about the quarterbacks. Blah blah blah.

C'mon... We all know the story here is Brady vs. Manning. Honestly, are you ever going to tell your kids about the time you saw Pierre Woods make three special teams tackles in a game? (Oh hey... Welcome back, Pierre Woods. Didn't see you over there...)

This is as good as it gets. Two of the top 5 QBs of all time facing off. It's Magic vs. Larry. Marino vs. Montana. Me vs. a pecan pie on Thanksgiving.

These games tend to be pretty memorable. You can tell your kids (or your cats... or your cat's kids...) you saw two of the very best in their primes.

Here's... TWO things I'll be watching for this week.

1) Tom Brady - I'll be the first to admit, he's been a little up and down this year. But the Colts defense doesn't scare me one bit. And he looked great last week.

2) Peyton Manning - Manning has the better stats. His regular season numbers are off the charts. His biggest black mark is in the post season, where he is 9 and 9 (and the owner of some spectacularly Favre-ian choke jobs). FACT: Peyton Manning has the same number of Super Bowl rings as Trent Dilfer. In Manning's defense, Brady has never had to face a Belichick defense.

My prediction: Pats 27, Colts 17

Now... Let's go eat a goddamn snack.

Five Things to Watch This Week - Week 10 (Game 9)

2010-11-12T11:50:00.000-08:00

The Patriots play their ninth regular season game on the road against the Pittsburgh Steelers Sunday, November 14th at 8:20 PM

We're doomed. DOOMED!

I was afraid last week would be a trap game. Even Admiral Ackbar couldn't have saved us.

Now we're going to Pittsburgh. Then we've got the Colts next week.

Before you know it, we're going to be looking at 6 - 4.

Ugh.

Here's five things I'll be watching for this week.

1) Tom Brady - How bad is the foot? Bad? Or bad bad? We're not going to be able to run on the Steelers, so we're going to have to air it out. If I'm the offensive coordinator, I bring back the game plan from this 2006 gem vs. the Vikings.

2) Shayne Graham - Gostkowski has been quietly excellent over the last few years. Not only on field goals, but on kickoffs, too. I don't think anyone is expecting too much from Shayne Graham. He just has to come in and not suck.

3) Run Defense - Peyton Hillis KILLED us last week. I don't have the numbers in front of me, but I think he ran for something like 384 yards. That's gotta get better.

4) Aaron Hernandez - I've been pimping this guy all season. He catches passes that aren't even intended for him.

5) Tony Dungy - Easily the worst thing about Sunday Night Football. Let's see if he says something anti-Belichick at halftime!

My prediction: Pats 14, Steelers 28

Now... Let's go eat a goddamn snack.

Pats vs. Browns

2010-11-08T06:53:00.001-08:00

Five Things to Watch This Week - Week 9 (Game 8)

2010-11-05T13:06:00.000-07:00

The Patriots play their eighth regular season game on the road against the Cleveland Browns Sunday, November 7th at 1:00 PM

Seemingly easy game this week with a game against a much tougher opponent next week? It's the dreaded "trap game".

Quick -- name the Browns starting QB. The correct answer? Colt McCoy. He actually started the season third on the depth chart (behind the immortal Jake Delhomme ). He's completed 32 passes for his career. Brady has completed over 2800. So, you know, advantage Patriots.

Last week, I predicted "Brad Childress will do something kinda dumb". Little did I know we were about to kick off a whole week of dumb Childress moments. High comedy. My condolences to my buddy Viking Dave on another lost season.

Here's five things I'll be watching for this week.

1) BenJarvus Green-Ellis - BJGE had a hell of a week last week (17 carries for 112 yards, two TDs). Did I have him on the bench for my fantasy team? Yes. Yes I did.

2) Logan Mankins - Welcome back, Logan. How'd that holdout work you? Did you get the contract you wanted? No? Dan Connolly played really, really well in Mankin's absence. How many millions did that cost him?

3) Tom Brady - TB is due for a big week. The Browns and their 26th ranked passing defense will provide a good tune-up before we face the Steelers and Colts in the upcoming weeks.

4) Defense - Look at the leading tacklers list. How many of these guys are in their first, second or third year in the league? This bodes well for the future.

5) Gametime Menu - If you're having noted foodie Randall Moss over to watch the games this weekend, make sure you spring for some high end stuff. At the very least, get something worthy of feeding to his dog.

My prediction: Pats 28, Browns 13

Now... Let's go eat a goddamn snack.

Five Things to Watch This Week - Week 8 (Game 7)

2010-10-29T10:47:00.000-07:00

The Patriots play their seventh regular season game at Gillette against the Minnesota Vikings on Sunday, October 31st at 4:15 PM.

No column last week. I was home Friday with a sick toddler. It threw off my whole writing routine. Sorry if you spent your whole week looking forward to my Friday musings.

/sad game show sound

Let's get right back on that horse. Here's five things I'll be watching for this week.

1) Coaching - Did anyone think we'd be 5 and 1 at this point? With this team? I love love love me some Belichick. There's no one I'd rather have as a coach (and yes... I'm one of the people who consistently defends his need to go for it on forth down. Sometimes a little "Eff You" attitude is a good thing in football. Look at the way the Ravens totally turtled down the stretch against the Pats in Week 6). Look around the league. There's maybe 4 or 5 good coaches. That's it. We're not exactly living in a Golden Age of Great Coaching. Which is why the Patriots can have the 32nd ranked 3rd down defense and still be 5 and 1. At some point this week, Belichick will do something pretty smart. And Brad Childress will do something kinda dumb (other than "start Brett").

2) Tight Ends - Have we ever had TWO good tight ends? If so, I can't remember a pair better than Gronkowski and Hernandez. They've totally changed the offense. Belichick probably doesn't trade Moss without their emergence.

3) Running Backs - Poor showing by Woodhead and Green-Ellis last week. I'd like to see a little bounce back this week.

4) Linebackers - Mayo is a solid anchor. He looks healthy again this year. I like Spikes and Guyton. Jermaine Cunningham has taken the starting job away from TBC (Has anyone else noticed the Patriots lead the league in dreadlocks this year?). Another strong, young group. I'm starting to really like this roster.

5) Special Teams - With the exception of the onside kick-off late last week, the special teams play has been stellar this season. Definitely a source of strength.

Bonus Item: Candy. Handing out Halloween candy while the game is on? HELL YES. There's no way I won't be sneaking a few myself.

Bonus Bonus Item: Metamucil. Once a day. It's like a present to yourself (especially after loading up on candy).

My prediction: Pats 27, Vikings 17

Now... Let's go eat a goddamn snack.

Five Things to Watch This Week - Week 6 (Game 5)

2010-10-15T12:58:00.000-07:00

The Patriots play their fifth regular season game at Gillette against the Baltimore Ravens on Sunday, October 17th at 1:00 PM.

We're back! I hate hate hate that bye week. I didn't know what to do with myself. I had to go run a 5K just to feel useful.

On a personal note, I pulled my name off the Patriots season ticket waiting list last week. My name came up -- I finally would have gotten tickets next year. Eleven years I wanted on that list. But... I just don't have the free time I did when I was a younger man. I can't give up 10 Sundays a year out of my life.

Watching the NFL on a high def TV is now such a good experience, it almost doesn't make sense to go to the games in person anymore. Watching the game at home means cheap beer and instant access to the bathroom. My couch is warm and dry. And I don't have to give up a whole day away from my family.

But still... I'm a little sad about the whole thing.

Here's five things I'll be watching for this week.

1) Deion Branch - Welcome back, Deion. I expect your numbers to go up a bit with Mr. Brady throwing to you. Am I happy to have him back? Absolutely. But... he's no replacement for Moss. He's not even the same guy he was 5 years ago. I expect him to be more like the black Wayne Chrebet at this point in his career.

2) Brandon Tate - He's fast. He's been a joy to watch on kick returns. But is he, you know, a good receiver? We'll find out.

3) Wes Welker - It'll be interesting to see how effective he is without Moss. I'll admit I'm a little scared.

4) Julian Edelman - Julian, where have you been this year? Are you still hurt? Let's go out for coffee or something.

5) Aaron Hernandez - I like him. Brady likes him. Baltimore can't cover the TE. What's not to like?

Bonus Item

Brett Favre getting hit in the nuts!

I could watch that all day.

Bonus Bonus Item

How's Maroney doing out in Denver? 11 carries for 5 yards in week 4? Ooof. That's brutal.

My prediction: Pats 24, Ravens 21

Now... Let's go eat a goddamn snack.

2010-10-07T06:25:00.001-07:00

"I felt a great disturbance in Patriot Nation, as if millions of voices cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I fear something terrible has happened..."

Five Things to Watch This Week - Week 4

2010-10-01T13:29:00.000-07:00

The Patriots play their forth regular season game at ~~Joe Robbie Stadium Pro Player Park Pro Player Stadium Dolphin Stadium Dolphins Stadium Land Shark Stadium~~ Sun Life Stadium against the Miami Dolphins on Monday October 4th at 8:30 PM.

Our defense is... bad. Even I can't fool myself into thinking it's going to be OK anymore. The offense is going to need to up 35 points a week if we're going to have a chance. We're officially the Colts now.

Here's five things I'll be watching for this week.

1) BenJarvus Green-Ellis - Maroney is gone. Fred Taylor hasn't practiced all week. Is this the week Law Firm becomes a star?

2) Randy Moss - He's still awesome. Go watch this in case you missed it last week. (The ref actually has pretty good coverage over the top...)

3) Tom Brady - One more win gives him 100 for his career. That's awesome.

4) Aaron Hernandez / Rob Gronkowski - Apparently the Dolphins have trouble covering Tight Ends. We have two great young Tight Ends! Score!

5) Danny Woodhead - He's like the Daniel Nava of the Patriots!

BONUS ITEM: Every time the Pats' defense fails to make a play on third down, take a drink.*

(*Note - not responsible if you die from alcohol poisoning).

My prediction: Pats 28, Dolphins 17

Now... Let's go eat a goddamn snack.

Ups and Downs - Week 3

2010-09-29T11:04:00.000-07:00

Up

Aaron Hernandez - Again... I love this kid. I expect big things.

O-Line - Much better this week. Brady had all day back there.

BenJarvus Green-Ellis - 16 carries for 98 yards. Can we just give him the starting job already?

Patrick Chung - Actually looked pretty good at times, but that may just be because of how much the rest of the secondary sucked.

Down

The Defense - My math may be off a bit, but I think they gave up 900 yards to the Bills on Sunday. Last week it was Sanchez. This week it was Fitzpatrick. We have a way of making bad QBs look really good.

Bring on the Dolphins.

Five Things to Watch This Week - Week 3

2010-09-24T10:57:00.000-07:00

The Patriots play their third regular season game at Gillette against the Bills of Ontario and Western New York on Sunday, September 26th at 1:00 PM.

Last Sunday afternoon, about an hour before kickoff, I somehow ended up with toddler poop all over the sleeve of my Patriots t-shirt. I don't normally believe in signs... But that couldn't have been a good one.

Week 2 was ugly (Even Brett Favre thinks Tom Brady had a bad week this week...). But you know what? It's just one game.

Also, I lost out on my "Which team will have the first player arrested?" pool. I had the Bengals. Oh well. There's still a chance I can win for "total arrests for the season".

Here's five things I'll be watching for this week.

1) Sammy Morris - Sammy can run. Sammy can catch. What we know he has a problem with is picking up the blitz (e.g., Bernard Pollard) (well, that and staying healthy for a whole season). If he's going to step up and be the third down back in Faulk's absence, the blitz pickup has got to get better.

2) Aaron Hernandez - I love this kid. If I was the offensive coordinator, I'd experiment with Hernandez. Line him up at h-back. Have him be the slot receiver. Have him go deep. Oh Bill... WHY WON'T YOU RETURN MY CALLS?!

3) Matt Light - FACT: Matt Light is done. He got TOASTED last week by Jason Taylor. Not good times.

4) Ron Brace - I think Brace actually started last week (Here's a picture in case you forgot what he looked like). Sure, I didn't see him make any plays, but, you know... He got on the field! That Perfect Attendance Award is almost his!

5) "Mad Men" - Everybody caught up on "Mad Men"? They've been KILLING it this season. "She died the way she lived... Surrounded by the people she answered phones for."

BONUS ITEM: Every time the Bills punt, take a drink.*

(*Note - not responsible if you die from alcohol poisoning).

(Special shout-out to Viking Dave for additional suggested material.)

My prediction: Pats 28, Bills 7

Now... Let's go eat a goddamn snack.

Ups and Downs - Week 2

2010-09-20T08:22:00.000-07:00

Up

The Moss.

Best. WR. Ever.

Down

Everyone else!

Bring on the Bills.

Five Things to Watch This Week - Week 2

2010-09-17T12:07:00.000-07:00

The Patriots play their second regular season game at the "New Meadowlands" (giggle giggle) against the New York Jets on Sunday, September 19th at 4:15 PM.

Feelin' pretty good about Week 1, but I'm trying to keep myself on an even keel. It's just one game. But it's much better than starting with a loss.

HOWEVER... We did manage to clear up the roster spot that Laurence Maroney was taking up. We even got a 4th rounder for him! (I've been unable to confirm the rumor that "Dancing with the Stars" offered a conditional 5th round pick for him.)

You can look at this development two ways:

1) We're giving up on a guy that never really lived up to his 1st round pick status

2) We just got a 4th round pick for the 4th or 5th guy on the depth chart at RB.

I'm just happy we got something for him. I was somewhat surprised he was still on the roster after the preseason.

Here's five things I'll be watching for this week.

1) Short Passes / Screens: If they Jets are going to blitz as much as they did against the Ravens, TB is going to have to get rid of the ball in a hurry.

2) NE Defense: If we don't end up with at least 3 turnovers on defense, my feelings will be personally hurt.

3) Mark Sanchez: 10 of 21 for 74 yards last week? 1 for 11 on third down? Yikes. That's brutal. How long before the home crowd gets on him?

4) Welker / Edelman: Let Revis take Moss out of the game. There's plenty of other options for Brady.

5) Goddamn Snacks: I love eating during football. I've been sticking to the Baked Lays lately, but I might have to open up the playbook a bit this week.

My prediction: Pats 27, Jets 17

Now... Let's go eat a goddamn snack.

Ups and Downs - Week 1

2010-09-13T07:41:00.000-07:00

Up

Everyone!

Nothing like a week 1 ass-whuppin' to make me feel good about football again.

And the defense looked much better than I expected.

Now, it was just one game. But... Damn. I'd much rather win like that than be on the other end of that beating.

Down

No one, really.

Bring on the Jets.

Five Things to Watch This Week - Week 1

2010-09-10T11:44:00.000-07:00

The Patriots play their first regular season game at home against the Cincinnati Bengals on Sunday, September 12th. 1:00 PM start time. Don't be late. (I'm parenting solo all day Saturday, so I better get a serious stretch of uninterrupted couch time on Sunday.)

Sweet, glorious NFL football. It's back. No more preseason. These games count. How did last year's season end? Oh yeah!

Honestly guys, I don't know what to make of this year's Pats. They could go 10 and 6 or 6 and 10. The offense looks really good. The defense looks... ahhh... not quite as good (cue Sad Don Draper face). How deep a playoff run can you go on with a top 5 offense and a bottom 5 defense? Maybe some of young guys will actually turn out to be players. If not, it's going to be a long season.

The good news is that we play the Bills twice. It's like that free 200 points they give you on the SATs.

Also, I promise not to bitch about Laurence Maroney this year. If he's not going to put in the effort, why should I? It's just not worth it.

1) Red Lights: Stop for them. Seriously.

2) Stephen Gostkowski: Four year extension for one of the best kickers in football. Yes!

3) #12 - #81: Best deep ball combo ever. (Ever had "deep balls"? It's not comfortable.) Remember early in his career when everyone said Brady couldn't through the deep ball? Hilarious.

4) Pats TEs: Rob Gronkowski and Aaron Hernandez look awesome. What could Brady do with tight ends that can actually catch?! It boggles the mind.

5) 5A SECONDARY: They might turn out to be pretty good. But I'm not going to be holding my breathe.

5B D-LINE: There's Wilfork and... um... That's about it. No secondary plus no pressure from the defensive line equals trouble.

My prediction: Pats 35, Bengals 31

Now... Let's go eat a goddamn snack.

"Let’s Go Eat A Goddamn Snack."

2010-09-08T11:41:00.000-07:00

SB Wrap-Up

2010-02-08T06:41:00.000-08:00

And then there's this:

“I think they’re going to be so far ahead that people are going to say, ‘Oh, ho-hum, [Manning] played a good game, they won by two scores, the Colts won their second championship,’ ’’ Dungy told The New York Times. “He is going to have those rings Sunday night. I don’t think it’s going to be close.

Great job, Tony.

If the Pats went to the Super Bowl after Belichick left the team, everyone would be killing him.

But nobody ever says a negative word about Dungy.

Complete bullshit.

Season Wrap-up 2009

2010-01-14T08:52:00.000-08:00

Still not over last Sunday's loss. To paraphrase the great philosopher Emmitt Smith, "We just got debacle'd".

Julian Edelman and Kevin Faulk showed up. That's about it.

Here's what I'd like to see this offseason:

- Get "tougher" on defense (both physically and mentally). And a pass rush would be nice.

- Resign Vince Wilfork. Let Matt Light go.

- New offensive coordinator. Bill O'Brien just isn't getting the job done. There's no creativity there. I could have called a better game last Sunday. Even Brady didn't seem comfortable with the plays being called most of the season.

- I'm guessing Welker will be out next season. I'd like to see them draft at least 2 WRs.

The good news? We have 4 of the top 53 picks in the next draft.

(The bad news is that we'll probably be trading those for picks in 2013...)

Five Things to Watch This Week - Playoff Edition

2010-01-08T11:58:00.000-08:00

Playoff Football! Playoff Football! Playoff Football!

It's Wild Card Weekend. The Patriots host the Baltimore Ravens Sunday January 10th at Gillette Stadium at 1:00 PM. Thanks for coming along for the ride with me this season.

I'll save the negative comments for next week. I just don't see us losing a home playoff game (Unless Baltimore brings Avon Barksdale and Stringer Bell) (Anyone else think Avon looks like Kevin Faulk?).

Just THREE things to watch this week. We'll keep it simple.

Running Game - Here's the gameplan I'd like to see: run, run, run, play-action deep to The Moss. Boom. Hopefully, we'll see a lot of Taylor, Faulk and Morris (and maybe some Maroney). Baltimore's secondary is it's weakness. Let's set 'em up then kill 'em.

D-Line - If Vince Wilfork and Ty Warren play, we're in good shape. If not, we're boned.

Stephen Gostkowski - Will the game come down to Gostkowki's big leg? Maybe!

My Prediction:

Pats 24, Ravens 17

Five Things to Watch This Week - Week 17

2009-12-30T13:30:00.000-08:00

The Patriots play their sixteenth and final regular season game on the road against Houston on Sunday January 3rd at Reliant Stadium.

Convincing win last week. Just in time to get my hopes up for the playoffs. Are we healthy? Are we a dominant team? Are we a second-tier team? I have no idea. But I like our coach. And I like our QB. So I guess we'll take that and roll the dice.

League rankings: Points scored - 7th. Points allowed - 4th. Huh... That sounds like a pretty good team actually. I'm not saying they'll win it all, but they still could be dangerous.

Do I like idea of having to go to San Diego AND Indy? Absolutely not. But neither one of them is unbeatable.

Unfortunately, this game against the Texans this week barely matters. Here's what I'll be watching for this week:

Brian Hoyer - Let's give Tom a break this week.

Sammy Morris - Heck of a week last week. Let's see if he can build a little momentum for the playoffs. Obviously, Laurence can't hold on to the ball anymore.

Julian Edelman - I'd really like to see him emerge as the third WR.

Randy Moss - He was killer last week. Rest him, too.

Mike Wright / Jarvis Green - An acceptable substitute for Richard Seymour, no?.

Instead of pictures of Big Sexy Vince, I will now end every post with this picture. It makes me happy.

(Tell me that Peyton was on board with coming out in the second half...)

My prediction:

Pats 24, Texans 30

Ups and Downs - Week 16

2009-12-28T07:50:00.000-08:00

Up

Tom Brady

Sammy Morris

Brandon Meriweather

Wes Welker

Randy Moss

Down

The Mannings! Sweet, sweet Manning tears. I love it.

Five Things to Watch This Week - Week 16

2009-12-23T09:02:00.000-08:00

By Patty O'Tool

The Patriots play their fifteenth regular season game at home against the Jacksonville Jaguars on Sunday December 27th at 1:00 PM at Gillette Stadium. A win here and we own the AFC East.

Anyone else sad about football season being almost over already? Where does the time go?

Here's what I'll be watching for this week:

Tom Brady - He's still hurting. Shoulder, finger and ribs. And I'm sure the cold isn't helping the knee. This doesn't bode well for January.

Ben Watson - Will we see him this week? Maybe!

Fred Taylor - He's been a great interview as team spokesman this year. I hope he comes back next year. What? When are we going to see him on the field? He's supposed to PLAY, too? Oh.

Vince Wilfork - Speaking of "players I hope come back next year", if I'm Vince's agent (and I've been lobbying hard, but he doesn't seem to return my calls), I sit down at the negotiating table and show the Patriots the opening drive against Buffalo last week. Think the Bills knew they could run up the middle on them? Yeah. That's why we need Vince.

Pat's Secondary - The secondary has been toasted by average QBs lately. Thankfully, David Garrard has a ways to go to be an average NFL QB.

Bonus item: Tackling! Hopefully, the defense practiced some this week.

Do I expect them to go deep in the play-offs? Of course not. They'll probably win on Wild Card Weekend (which will be at home). Then they'll have to go to Indy or San Diego. And while I don't think either of those teams is unbeatable, I just don't think it'll be the Patriots that beat them. We don't travel well.

My prediction:

Pats 27, Jags 17

Week 15 Wrap-Up

2009-12-20T16:28:00.000-08:00

by Just a Guy on a Couch

I'm just a guy on a couch but . . .

. . . if not for the complete ineptitude of the Buffalo Bills, the Pats lose this game. Stupid offsides penalties, defensive pass interference, dropped passes by open receivers and a BIIIIIG offsides on the successful onsides kick.

. . . more poor tackling by the Patriots defense means a quick exit from the playoffs on the horizon. I'm beginning to think these guys sweat mayonnaise or Vaseline or something.

. . . I know Buffalo ranks dead last in the NFL in run defense but still, it's nice to see Maroney running like he has. Bad run D or not, he was putting a ton of effort into his runs.

. . . Mike Wright showed up to play today, and it's a good thing. Sacks, QB pressures, and making tackles 15 yards down field.

. . . nice adjustment by Pees after Buffalo's first drive. Having the defensive front out of their stances really seemed to be effective in forcing a young quarterback to make last second decisions.

. . . I seem to remember an awful lot of arm tackling and flailing at running backs from Jerod Mayo in this contest that I can't recall seeing in prior games.

. . . this game was the only evidence you need to illustrate exactly what Vince Wilfork means to this defensive unit. Remember this pre-season when Ron Brace was looking like Vince Wilfork, Jr? That was a long time ago.

. . . watching T.O. lose is, in the words of James Lipton, "aaaa deelight".

. . . I saw more "Survivor" during this broadcast than I ever had previously. People still watch prime-time network television, huh?

Five Things to Watch This Week - Week 15

2009-12-18T11:55:00.000-08:00

By Patty O'Tool

The Patriots play their fourteenth regular season game on the road against the Buffalo Bills on Sunday December 20th at 1:00 PM at Ralph Wilson Stadium.

Brady is hurt. The offense is struggling (that was one of the worst 10 point wins I can ever remember seeing last week). The d-line is banged up (if Wilfork can't go this week, we're boned... they're going to run all over us). Not good times.

Here's what I'll be watching for this week:

Wes Welker - Easily the team MVP this year. Note to Bill - please take him off punt returns. He takes enough hits already.

Laurence Maroney - Don't look know, but he's been somewhat productive the last few weeks. Still... For a guy his size, I'd like to see him actually break a tackle once in a while. His yards after contact isn't good.

Sebastian Vollmer - Last week they had him switching between left tackle and right tackle. Eff that. Stick him on the left side and let Matt Light cry about it on the bench. Sea Bass is a stud. Is it too early to start calling him Sea Bass? I think I'm going to start calling him that. And he's already the best German NFL player ever! Achtung!

Mike Wright / Jarvis Green (or whoever ends up picking up the slack for Wilfork) - I'd mix it up and go 4 - 3. Because no one human should have to take up this much space. (Could I post pictures of Vince Wilfork all day? Yes. Yes I could... It just makes me happy.)

Tully Banta-Cain - We'll give him a shout out. He leads the team in sacks. Unfortunately, on the 2009 Patriots, that's like saying you're the tallest midget. The pass rush is soft. (Pillowy soft, even.)

The weather on Sunday is going to be bad. Ever been to Orchard Park in December? A-W-F-U-L. (It's only slightly better the rest of the year...)

I'm going low on this one.

My prediction:

Pats 14, Bills 10

Week 14 Wrap-Up

2009-12-13T16:02:00.000-08:00

by Just a Guy on a Couch

I'm just a guy on a couch but.....

. . . I just finished watching the post-game festivities and why did Bill and Tom seem happy after that? Once again, TONS of missed opportunities by both the defense (dropped int's at least twice) and the offense (please hold the ball. it's rather important).

. . . where has Randy Moss been? I hate to sound like Mike Felger but seriously, where is this guy? I had really been hesitant to feel like he's not in the game but, he's not in the game. At all. At least he added some spice and flair by adding the fumble to his expanding repertoire of ineptitude (not finishing routes, shoddy blocking, not watching the weather channel).

. . . first Chad Henne and then who the hell was that again . . . uhhhh . . dude man? Whatever the hell his name was, he backs up Jake DelHomme. He's fucking terrible. Can this team realistically pull out a win in a one-and-done playoff aginast a PASSABLE quarterback?

. . . can we finally admit that the old Pat Patriots uniforms are WAY superior to the Flying Elvis?

Five Things to Watch This Week - Week 14

2009-12-11T07:17:00.000-08:00

The Patriots play their thirteenth regular season game at home (!) against the Carolina Panthers on Sunday December 13th at 1:00 PM at Gillette Stadium.

Oh man... I picked a hell of a year to start a Patriots blog... I feel like I'm chronicling the Fall of the Roman Empire.

The offense looks stale. The defense went from "young and fast" to "inexperienced".

And a big part of the problem is... (gulp)... Brady. He looks too predictable out there at times. Welker is making him better at this point.

Here's what I think is going on:

- Some of the creativity is gone from the offense. Bill O'Brien is no Josh McDaniels

- Nobody is stepping up after Welker and Moss. Sam Aiken is nice special teamer / 4th or 5th receiver, but they could actually use a Gaffney or a Stallworth.

- Brady has got a baby on the way (UPDATE - he just had a boy). Don't laugh. He looked like crap last time he had a kid coming.

(Tom - please note: with the use of modern birth control techniques, you can chose WHEN you have your kid. Please don't have any more kids during the season. Plus December babies have it rough. He'll be almost a year older than everyone else once he's finally able to start school.)

As my buddy JT put it...

Balls.

Here's five things to watch this Sunday other than the Patriots (because if they're not going to show up, why should we?)

- "The Dark Knight" (HBO) - Holy hell... they show that movie ALL THE TIME.

- "Pump Up the Volume" (CW) - Oh Samantha Mathis... Too bad you never did anything else this memorable in your career... (Note: not really worth watching edited.)

- "Caddyshack: The Inside Story" (Biography) - This totally sounds like something I'd get sucked into. "The making of the 1980 comedy classic Caddyshack is chronicled. Included: the reminiscences of the actors, producers and director Harold Ramis."

- "Star Trek" (2009) JJ Abrams did a phenomenal job with this one. Go rent it.

- Turn the TV off and go spend time with your kids. Oh man, do they grow up really fast (you just missed another amazing moment right there while you were reading this stupidness...).

My prediction: Pats 27, Carolina 10

(And Happy Hanukkah to my Jewish friend out there.)

Five Things to Watch This Week - Week 13

2009-12-04T12:14:00.000-08:00

By Patty O'Tool

The Patriots play their twelfth regular season game on the road against the Miami Dolphins on Sunday December 6th at 1:00 PM at ~~Joe Robbie Stadium~~ ~~Pro Player Park~~ ~~Pro Player Stadium~~ ~~Dolphins Stadium~~ Land Shark Stadium. (Really? "Land Shark Stadium"?)

"Hey Bill... It’s... uh ... it’s Pat. I need you to do me a huge favor. Can you please... uh... take your name off your phone...? My wife went through my phone and... uh... may be calling you."

Has my love for Bill Belichick diminished? No. Not even a little. But there are times when we've looked downright sloppy this season. Monday night sucked. Hard. My apologies to my football buddies out of market who only get to watch the Pats when they're on nationally.

But you know what? It's going to be OK. We're not nearly as bad as we looked last week. They've got a pillowy soft schedule coming up. They're going to go 12 - 4 (11 - 5 at worst). And there's nobody in the AFC that really scares me.

Remember when Miami almost signed Drew Brees and ended up going with Culpepper instead? Hilarious. Aren't you glad we don't have to face him twice a year?

See, look at that... You feel better already, don't you?

Offensive Live - Remember last week when I said I'd rather see Vollmer out there over Matt Light? Nothing I saw last week convinced me I was wrong on that one.

Sam Aiken / Ben Watson - If defenses are going to double Welker AND Moss, one of these guys has to step up. And how tremendous is Randy's beard right now? Wow. It would take me 4 years to grow that.

Randy Moss - I'm telling you, he's due for a big game (but I thought that last week, too). You can't keep that beard out of the end zone for too much longer.

Laurence Maroney - He actually had a good first half last week. He seems to do better later in the season. But holy hell... HOLD ON TO THE BALL, LAURENCE.

Defense - Thankfully, Chad Henne is no Drew Brees. The defense should look much better this week.

My prediction: Pats 27, Miami 17

Ups and Downs - Week 12

2009-12-04T11:36:00.000-08:00

Down

Everyone.

Bluh.

Overall Record: 7 - 4.

Uniform Record: Pat Patriot 3 - 1. Flying Elvis 4 - 3.

Five Things to Watch This Week - Week 12

2009-11-30T12:34:00.000-08:00

By Patty O'Tool

The Patriots play their eleventh regular season game on the road against the New Orleans Saints on Monday November 30th at 8:30 PM.

Tom Brady - Can he get the delay of game penalties on the road under control? That's been a glaring negative this season. But still... Write him down for "Comeback Player of the Year".

Randy Moss - Last week was a Welker week. They'll probably get the ball to Randy a bit more this week. (On a personal note, I've lived in the same town as Randy for two years now. And I still haven't bumped into him at Target yet. What the hell? I'm starting to suspect he doesn't spend much time here in the offseason...)

Pat's O-line - The regulars are pretty banged up. Brady is going to need some time. The game might come down to how many starters we can get out there (and I'm counting Vollmer as a starter at this point... I'd much rather see him out there than Light.)

Pat's Secondary - This is easily the best secondary we've had in the last 5 years. They'll be challenged tonight.

Laurence Maroney - How do you beat a Gregg Williams defense? You run the ball.

Is football the best or what? I watched about 5 hours of games I don't really care about on Thursday. And another 3 or 4 or Sunday. The NFL is the only league I'll do that for. I love baseball, but there's no way I'd sit and watch Brewers vs. Tigers. But watch the Packers beat up on the Lions? Sure... why not?

My prediction: Pats 35, New Orleans 28.

Ups and Downs - Week 11

2009-11-24T07:51:00.000-08:00

Down

Punt Team - Nice blocking there guys.

Mark Sanchez - Ha ha! (/Nelson)

Up

Wes Welker - Put him on the 2006 Patriots and we win that Super Bowl, too (Damn you, Reche Caldwell!)

Vince Wilfork - He just owns the middle of the field. It's really tough to find guys like that.

Tully Banta-Cain - Sure he's "just a guy", but Belichick knows how to use him properly.

Leigh Bodden - The secondary is a lot better this year.

Mark LeVoir - He absolutely leveled a guy on a screen block. Holy crap. Any time you've got a lineman on a DB, bet on the lineman.

Overall Record: 7 - 3.

Uniform Record: Pat Patriot 3 - 1. Flying Elvis 4 - 2.

Five Things to Watch This Week - Week 11

2009-11-20T13:22:00.001-08:00

By Patty O'Tool

The Patriots play their tenth regular season game at home against the New York Jets on Sunday November 22nd at 4:15 PM. It gets dark at like 4:30 here now, so this will feel like a night game.

I'm back. I've been on the road the last two weeks. Did I miss anything good?

Here's what I'll be watching for this week:

Jerod Mayo - He's awesome. I like him.

Randy Moss - Best receiver ever? Best receiver ever.

Sebastian Vollmer- He's been really, really good. Matt Light should be nervous.

Mark Sanchez - How does he like the hot dogs at Gillette? How do they compare to Oakland's dogs?

Rex Ryan - I'll be yelling "Boo effin' hoo" at the TV every time they cut to him (On a personal note, he looks just like my uncle Mark after a 3 day bender. It's kinda scary.)

I'll be honest, I'm a little concerned about the Jets this week... They're hungry... They're desper- Nah, I'm just kidding. They suck. We should kill them.

My prediction: Pats 35, Jets 17.

Ups and Downs - Week 7

2009-11-02T10:04:00.000-08:00

By Patty O'Tool

Downs

Again... No downs last week. Unless you want to count me. Because the bye-week sucks.

Ups

Brandon Meriweather - He's looking like a stud, isn't he? They brought him along slowly. He was a first round pick in '07. And now it's all paying off. Good stuff.

Wes Welker - Consistently awesome. We totally stole him from Miami.

Tully Banta-Cain - Is he a role player? Sure. But the Patriots seem to know how to use him much better than San Francisco did.

Myron Pryor - Did anyone else see #91 flying around out there? He was all over the place.

Overall Record: 5 - 2.

Uniform Record: Pat Patriot 3 - 1. Flying Elvis 2 - 1.

Five Things to Watch This Week - Week 7

2009-10-23T11:36:00.000-07:00

By Patty O'Tool

The Patriots play their seventh regular season game on the road against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers on Sunday October 25th at 1:00 PM. I think the game is in England or something. I can't really find any information to confirm . I will celebrate this tidbit by watching the game with a Guinness. (and at some point I'll get around to making my own fish and chips. But that just seems like a ton of work and is likely to make the house smell for a whole week. (Wanna sound British next time you're at a party? Just put "innit?" at the end of every sentence. Works every time.))

Tom Brady - My god, he looked good last week. Can he keep that up? No, of course not. But I'd expect to see at least 3 TDs this week.

Adalius Thomas - Mr. Thomas, last week was your wakeup call. Want to be a Patriot next year? Start showing us something.

The Field - The turf at Wembley Stadium should get a work out this week. Soccer players usually weigh 120 pounds. This field has never seen the likes of Vince Wilfork. Expect things to be pretty chewed up by the second quarter.

Laurence Maroney - What are the odds he has two good weeks in a row? I'm not betting my son's college fund on it, but I think he should be able to do something again this week. Tampa's defense is pillowy soft. (I still want to see some BenJarvus in the mix...) Plus I think the exchange rate is something like 1 British Yard = 1.66 American Yards. Make sure your fantasy football league commissioner makes a note of that.

RBs and TEs - We're down to three healthy wide receivers. And one of those is Sam Aiken. Yikes. Look for a lot of passes to the backs and tight ends.

Check out this quote from Bucs coach Raheem Morris:

"Bill Belichick is not going to take it easy on us," Morris added. "He just played an 0-and-whatever team (last Sunday), and the score was 59-0. Now he's going to play another one. I'm sure Bill Belichick is licking his chops. And he should be."

Way to fire up the team there, Smart Guy. That's why you're 0 and 6. Going on 0 and 7. Enjoy that long flight home!

My prediction: Pats 38, Bucs 10.

Ups and Downs - Week 6

2009-10-20T13:12:00.000-07:00

By Patty O'Tool

Downs

Ummm... Nobody, really. Who is going to complain after a 59 - 0 ass whupin'? OK, fine then... Adalius Thomas.

Ups

Tom Brady - Brady to Moss was workin'. That flea flicker was downright orgasmic.

Offensive Line - Brady looked pretty clean all day. Plenty of time back there. Plus Sebastian Vollmer looked good. Matt Light might be done after this year.

Defense - Maybe younger and faster is a good thing. Kerry Collins looked JaMarcus Russell-esque out there going 2 of 14 for -7 yards. Ouch.

Overall Record: 4 - 2.

Uniform Record: Pat Patriot 2 - 1. Flying Elvis 2 - 1.

Five Things to Watch This Week - Week 6

2009-10-16T13:07:00.000-07:00

By Patty O'Tool

The Patriots play their sixth regular season game at home against the Tennessee Titans on Sunday October 18th at 4:15 PM.

1) Tom Brady - I sense a little redemption coming this week. Plus he looks much more comfortable at home lately.

2) Junior Seau - We'll probably actually see him on the field this week. I set the over/under at 15 snaps, with a 2 late hit penalty teaser.

3) Randy Moss - He's due for a big week. I'll mark him down for 2 TDs. Did you see his INT at the end of the first half last week? The Moss is made of awesomeness.

4) Third WR - Oh, won't someone please emerge as the third option after Moss and Welker? Is Donte' Stallworth free? No? He isn't? Oh well.

5) Sammy Morris - He's as good a third WR as we've got right now. He should be on the field quite a bit on Sunday.

My prediction: Pats 38, Titans 10.

Ups and Downs - Week 5

2009-10-15T09:23:00.000-07:00

Downs

Tom Brady - Brady kinda stunk. 5 for 14 in the 2nd half. Ugh. If we just play our "B" game, we win that game. Instead, we turned in a "C minus" game.

Pass Rush - Orton did a good job of getting rid of the ball quickly, but his uniform stayed pretty clean all day.

Ups

Benjamin Watson - Catches his 3rd TD. He already has more more than all of last season!

Linebackers - Mayo returns and forces a fumble. Rob Ninkovich and TBC made some nice plays. Good stuff.

Defense - It took 4 and 1/2 quarters for the defense to finally give up 20 points. Our defense has suddenly become a strength. I like it. Again... a little bit more of a pass rush would be nice though.

Losing always hurts. But relax... We're still in first place. We've got two 0 and 5 teams coming up the next two weeks. We'll be fine.

Overall Record: 3 - 2.

Uniform Record: Pat Patriot 1 - 1. Flying Elvis 2 - 1.

Drew Brees - Waaay Underrated

2009-10-13T13:23:00.000-07:00

Drew Brees - WR?

http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/vault/gallery/featured/GAL1161258/2/12/index.htm

Five Things to Watch This Week - Week5

2009-10-09T10:19:00.000-07:00

By Patty O'Tool

The Patriots play their fifth regular season game on the road against the Denver Broncos on Sunday October 11th at 4:15 PM.

I'm still buzzed from last week's game. Good stuff. But when I broke down the tape of me watching the game, I feel like I could have made a few improvements (what? You don't film yourself watching the game?).

I was watching the game on Tivo, so I didn't haven't to sit through the injuries and challenges. That was good. But I was a little slow on the draw in fast forwarding through the commercials. I promise to do better this week.

1) The Broncos Defense - Are they for real? Or is it just smoke and mirrors? They're 4 and 0, and they've only given up 26 points to date. But they've also done it against such offensive juggernauts as the Browns and the Raiders. The Patriots' offense is slightly better than that. And after us, Denver plays San Diego, Baltimore and Pittsburgh. Yikes. Good luck with all that.

2) Running Backs - The Running Back Committee just lost its most productive member. Morris and Maroney have to step it up. Only it's probably not going to be Maroney. Will we finally see BenJarvus on the field? That would make me happy.

3) The Weather - It snows in Denver in October, right? I thought I heard something about a chance of snow. Snow + football = awesome. Plus I think we're in the throwback uniforms this week. That would look cool.

4) Junior Seau - Because we needed someone to fill the "dive into the pile 5 seconds after the play is dead" role. (Actually, he won't be signed until next week, but I didn't want to not use that joke...)

5) Post Game Handshake - You might even see a full on hug here. Belichick still talks glowingly of McDaniels (unlike Mangini, who's name he won't even say out loud).

My prediction: Pats 24, Broncos 21 .

Ups and Downs - Week 4

2009-10-05T11:10:00.000-07:00

by Patty O'Tool

Downs

Laurence Maroney - Seven rushes for 6 yards? Ouch.

Joey Galloway - I think I'll start calling him Joseph Galloway. That has more gravitas.

Ray Lewis - Made about as many plays as Joseph Galloway.

Ups

Tom Brady - Has he been shaking off the rust? Or was that the suck of Joey Galloway rubbing off on him?

The Secondary - Brandon Meriweather is starting to look like a stud. These might be the best corners we've had in years. And McGowan is my new binky. (Plus there was some kind of double safety blitz that resulted in a Flacco sandwich. Awesome.)

D-Line - Anyone miss still Seymour? I told ya. I like seeing Mike Wright and Jarvis Green out there.

What a great game that was. I like it.

Overall Record: 3 - 1.

Uniform Record: Pat Patriot 1 - 0. Flying Elvis 2 - 1.

Just the Pick - Pats 31 - Bal 20

2009-10-03T18:01:00.000-07:00

Ups and Downs - Week 3

2009-09-28T11:03:00.000-07:00

By Patty O'Tool

Downs

Joey Galloway - It's a good thing they had a home game yesterday. Brady might have dropped Galloway out of the plane at 30,000 feet. I really, really wish we had kept Greg Lewis instead (seeing Lewis all over Sports Center this morning hasn't helped).

Special Teams - Bluh. We look like C-R-A-P on kick-off coverage.

The Redskins - Oh my Gawd, they suck. Doesn't anyone else see how bad they suck?

Ups

Brady - Was he pissed at the end of the first half or what? I like it. It also looked like he had a ton of time all day.

Fred Taylor - Wow, he looked really good. I don't know how many more miles are left on those tires, but I like what I saw yesterday. And it's amazing how much better the play-action works when there is actually the threat of a running game.

Defense - I've been right about the D. They're good. Not great. But good. Granted, a huge part of that has been that they haven't had to spend that much time on the field. But that's part of the game, too.

Me - I'm feeling much better about things this week.

Overall Record: 2 - 1.

Uniform Record: Pat Patriot 1 - 0. Flying Elvis 1 - 1.

Five Things to Watch This Week - Week 3

2009-09-24T12:53:00.000-07:00

By Patty O'Tool

The Patriots play their third regular season game at home against the Atlanta Falcons on Sunday September 27th at 1:00 PM.

So far, my predictions have not been so hot. But like some unholy combination of Skip Bayless and Stephen A. Smith, I'm just gonna keep talkin', ONLY LOUDER. If my predictions have been off, that's YOUR FAULT.

1) Defense - The defense has been surprisingly decent so far. Who would have guessed? Their biggest challenge to date comes this week.

2) Penalties - I think there were 4 "Delay of Game" penalties last week. Wha? Huh? I don't think I've ever seen that with Brady at the helm. I'm guessing they spent some time on that in practice this week.

3) The Game Plan - Where was the screen game last week? I would have called twelve straight screens to Kevin Faulk, but that's just me. Not a big fan of the play calling so far this year. Hopefully, they'll get back to the ground game this week. The Atlanta run defense is pillowy soft.

4) Wes Welker - They need him back on the field. If I were him, I would have gone and asked for more money after last week.

5) Joey Galloway - I think this might be the week Brady completely chews him out on the sideline. Awesome. We couldn't have kept Greg Lewis instead?

Last week hurt. Nobody wants to lose. But to lose to the Jets?! That's just sad.

But I've moved on. I keep reminding myself that it's a long season. This team is too good not to play better.

My prediction: Pats 24, Falcons 21

Ups and Downs - Week 2

2009-09-21T12:42:00.000-07:00

By Patty O'Tool

Downs

Joey Galloway - Either Brady is overthrowing him, or he's running the wrong route on every single play.

Tom Brady - He doesn't look right. ugh. This could be a long season.

Me - I'm hurtin'. That one sucked. Moving on...

Ups

Julian Edelman - Played OK. Not great, but OK.

Defense - I thought the defense played well (Wilhite especially). The fact that defense isn't the glaring weakness we thought it was going to be has been a pleasant surprise so far.

Uniform Record: Pat Patriot 1 - 0. Flying Elvis 0 - 1.

Five Things to Watch This Week

2009-09-18T11:18:00.000-07:00

By Patty O'Tool

The Patriots play their second regular season game at the New York Jets on Sunday September 20th at 1:00 PM. I will be watching Sunday Services at the Church of the Immaculate Hoodie from the comfort of my couch (Have you gone to HD yet? You'll never leave the house again...)

1) Rex Ryan - Is he nuts or what? But at least we know he has a pulse (unlike, say, Dick Jauron). I like getting your team fired up and all... But what if they go out there and lose? Like Butthead says, "You can talk the talk, but you have to... uh... like... walk, too." (Plus there's this in case you missed. Tremendous, but not in any way safe for work.)

2) Tom Brady - The rust should be off this week. It was against the Jets in '07 that we first saw that "Brady to Moss" was going to be something special. I expect Tom to kick some ass. Plus, you can tell he's pissed about all the "embarrass the Patriots" talk that has been coming from the Jets all week.

3) Linebackers - Somebody has got to step up with Mayo out for 6 - 8 weeks. I thought the secondary played well last week (did anyone see T.O doing much of anything?). Hopefully that will continue. But if we see the return of the "Big Nickel" for any extended period of time, we're boned.

4) Ben Watson - Is there any way he can top last week? No. Or course not. But I would like to see him at least add some value again this week.

5) Laurence Maroney - I'm going to keep saying that this is the week he's finally going to put it all together and live up to his potential. When this finally happens, I'm going to look like a genius. If the Jets are sending 6 and 7 guys after the QB on every play, that should open things up for the running game and short passes. And while nobody is as good as Kevin Faulk on the screen play, Maroney has shown that he can make plays when you give him a little space.

And how awesome were the throwback unis last week? Would anyone be upset if we switched to those full time? The Flying Elvis just isn't doing it for me after that.

My buddy Big Mikey tried to convince me to pick against the Pats this week (he thinks I've got some kind of reverse jinx power since my predictions last week waaay off).

And I thought about it for a bit. But then I said "Nah, screw it." Sure the Jets beat up on the Texans last week. But they're, you know, the Texans. That's not really saying much.

My prediction: Pats 38, Jets 24

Ups and Downs - Week 1

2009-09-15T11:00:00.000-07:00

By Patty O'Tool

Down

Tom Brady (0:00 - 55:00) - Shaking the rust off? Feeling out the new knee? Where's the Tom Brady I knew and loved from 2007? The footwork doesn't look like what we're used to seeing out of Brady. Like he's trying to get it there all with his arm.

Bill O'Brien (QB Coach / Unofficial Offensive Coordinator) - Dude, you've got the keys to one of the best offensive machines ever assembled. Act like you know what you're doing.

Joey Galloway - I think I saw him out there last night, but I'm not really sure.

Up

Tom Brady (55:00 - 60:00) - There he is!

Pierre Woods - Way to be in the right place at the right time to force that fumble. And kudos to Meriweather for standing McKelvin up until help could arrive. Way to play smart football, guys.

Ben Watson - He made a couple of great grabs. Unfortunately, those two TDs will probably be his total for the year.

It was a win, but it sure wasn't pretty. Either the Pats aren't as good as we thought, or the Bills are much better than everyone thought.

I'm suddenly a lot more worried about the Jets next week.

Five Things to Watch This Week

2009-09-14T12:26:00.000-07:00

By Patty O'Tool

The Patriots play their first regular season game at home against the Buffalo Bills on Monday September 14th at 7:00 PM.

What a great first weekend of NFL Football. Hopefully, you got to watch a game or two. Good times. (Except for the Redskins. Watching Jason Campbell makes me hate football.)

FOR THE LOVE OF GAWD, WHY AREN'T ALL MONDAY NIGHT GAMES INVOLVING TWO EAST COAST TEAMS ON AT 7:00 PM? It just makes too much sense. Nobody on the West Coast is going to watch this game anyway. Plus, I'm old. I want to go to bed at a reasonable hour.

1) DE-FENSE (clap clap clap). I'm looking for nothing short of 4 sacks and 2 picks tonight. We should able to build up a big lead and get after Edwards early and often. If we give up more than 14 points to the Bills, I'm going to consider that a disappointment.

2) Pats' Secondary: I expect this group to be much better by the end of the season. Good thing we get to start easy. T.O. or no T.O., it's still Trent Edwards throwing it to him.

3) Brady. I'm telling you, he's going to go down as one of the All Time Top 5. Watch him every chance you get.

4) The Bill's no huddle offense. If you're going to go three and out, at least do it fast (Did I just steal that joke? Yes. But it was too good not to use again).

5) Belichick's hoodie. It's throwback uniform night at Gillette. Will the Coach be partaking as well? It might be a little warm for a hoodie at this time of year, but I'm dying to see Bill go Old School Hoodie

Bonus Item: Is anyone else going to miss Mike Reiss from the Globe? That guy busted his ass. I think he practically lived in the Gillette Stadium parking lot during the off season.

My prediction: Pats 38, Bills 10.

Seymour Traded to Oakland

2009-09-08T12:43:00.000-07:00

The Patriots traded Richard Seymour to Oakland for 2011 first-round pick over the weekend.

My first thought was "Whaaaat?!"

And then I paused and thought about it a bit. And I reached for my special Belichick Kool Aid I keep on ice for occasions such as this.

If Belichick thinks Seymour has lost a step, who am I to judge? He's obviously not the same player he was 3 - 4 years ago.

When was the last time you saw Seymour make a play? Jarvis Green and Mike Wright come in off the bench and make plays all the time. Just sayin'.

Does this mean we get to keep Vince Wilfork when his contract is up? Yes? Good. I'm in.

Was Seymour going to leave after this year anyway? Probably.

So is one year of Seymour worth a first round pick two years down the road? I say yes. Plus it's OAKLAND's pick. So you know it will be a top 10 pick.

Five Things to Watch This Week.

2009-09-03T13:29:00.000-07:00

By Patty O'Tool

The Patriots play their fourth preseason game at home against the New York Giants on Thursday, September 3rd at 7:30 PM

Oh man, do I hate the Giants. I still wake up thinking about how close we were to 19 and 0. I don't think I'll ever get over that.

Here's five things I'll be watching for on Thursday:

1) Tom Brady. How well does he hold the clipboard on the sideline? Does he hold it with his left hand or his right hand? Will he be in uniform or street clothes? These are the big questions for #12 tonight.

2) Laurence Maroney. OK, kid. I've been apologizing for you for three years now. Show me something.

3) Joey Galloway. I have no emotional attachment to this guy. I could care less if makes the team. He looks like crap out there so far.

4) Linebackers. Bruschi's gone. We're young and fast now. But are we any good?

5) BenJarvus Green-Ellis. This might be the last time we see him a Patriots uniform. If he gets cut, someone is definitely claiming him. He's good. He's just too far down on the depth chart.

How'd That End Up Working Out?

2009-09-03T06:28:00.000-07:00

What?! We could have had Ron Dayne instead of Belichic k? Why?! Why?!

Ups and Downs

2009-08-31T07:49:00.001-07:00

I'll be honest... I fell asleep during the 4th quarter of Friday's game. I had a glass of wine and a Benadryl. You might as well have given me a roofie.

Here's my thoughts on what I saw:

Randy Moss - If Brady and Moss had been together for their whole careers, they could have rewritten the record books.

Joey Galloway - Hasn't shown me anything yet. Is he going to make the team?

Kevin O’Connell - After a sub-par performance on Friday, Kevin got the axe. Didn't see that one coming. It sounded like they were grooming him to be "The Guy". Guess it just wasn't taking.

BenJarvus Green-Ellis - They've got to keep him, don't they? He ran the ball for 8 yards a carry on Friday.

Tom Brady - Oh God, please don't be hurt. Can't handle another season without #12.

Tedy Bruschi - Thanks Tedy. You done good.

Five Things to Watch This Week.

2009-08-28T11:05:00.000-07:00

By Patty O'Tool

The Patriots play their third preseason game at Washington on Friday, August 28th at 8:00PM.

The third preseason game is traditionally the "dress rehearsal" game for the regular season. The Football Bloggers Association of America requires you to use the words "dress rehearsal" when talking about the third preseason game.

Here's five things I'll be watching for on Friday:

1) O-Line play. Seeing Brady on his ass last week scared the crap out of me. Yikes. Gotta get better, boys.

2) Benjamin Watson. Is he still on this team? He's got the tools. He's got the talent. I really want him to succeed. But he just hasn't been able put it all together yet for whatever reason. Might be "on the bubble" this year.

3) Run defense. Am I worried? Not really. But we looked a little loose last week

4) Ron Brace. I really want this guy to be a star. Especially with Wilfork and Seymour up after this year. Plus I love guys with huge asses. They make me feel better about myself.

5) Cornerbacks. I believe you need to start 2 in the NFL. And I haven't seen any combination I feel comfortable with yet. Of course, everyone knows your corners are only as good as your pass rush (you knew that, right?) (Also, I think Wheatley just played himself to the bench.)

Bonus Item: Does Randy Cross set off anyone else's gaydar? Or is it just me?